Description: What do you think of it be very criticle.
Toils of torment -------------------------------------------
Life is strangled by our torment
that tears at us inside
our elation is decaying
our souls are broken in two
Denial of lust for purpose
is burning us inside
our desires go unfilled
our empty lifes begin to fray
under the pressure of our plight.
Purity is worn so thin
there’s no where safe to hide
The infinite flaw of indignity
is killing all innocence
from the erasure of sanctity
which brings with it enmity
and a dose of anipathy
so that we can
no longer stand the stress
so with a sigh
the end grows nigh
we wilt and collapse
life’s restrained
and death is refrained no more
This was a good revision...one small (yes I know how annoying and hipocritical of me) typo...in your next to last line "ife's refined" I think you meant "life's refined" lol but thatz just my opinion=P yeps *nods approvingly* good write. peace
Life as a concept, is quite a dificult thing to write about. I thought you tackled it very well. It flowed and hung together and was a good read - well done.
this was very good for a short poem. I think maybe if you added more and just went a little farther in detail, it might be a little better. but there's really nothing wrong with you do have:) the flow was nice and alot of intresting images came to mind. good write. keep writing.
Submission Name: Toils of torment
) typo...in your next to last line "ife's refined" I think you meant "life's refined" lol but thatz just my opinion=P yeps *nods approvingly* good write.