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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Toils of tormentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: smartblond
    ASL Info:    18/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 97/114/33
    Words: 129
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 970
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 761



    Description:
        What do you think of it be very criticle.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsToils of tormentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Life is strangled by our torment
    that tears at us inside
    our elation is decaying
    our souls are broken into two
    Denial of lust for purpose
    is burning us inside
    our desires go unfilled
    our empty lives begin to fray
    under the pressure of our plight.
    Purity is worn so thin
    there’s no where safe to hide
    The infinite flaw of indignity
    is killing all innocence
    from the erasure of sanctity
    which brings with it enmity
    and a dose of anipathy
    so that we can
    no longer stand the stress
    so with a sigh
    the end grows nigh
    we wilt and collapse
    life’s restrained
    and death is refrained no more




    Submitted on 2005-10-30 10:16:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      WOW this is great

    "so with a sigh
    the end grows nigh
    we wilt and collapse
    life’s restrained
    and death is refrained no more"

    i luv the way u put that into words
    the way u said death is REFRAINED no more
    its extraodinary in a coo way

    memento mori
    Darkness of the Grim Draco
    | Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by darkness | [ Reply to This ]
      great! but it seems different did you add stuff??
    you did an excellent job w/ this 'un girl
    just had to say it again!



    ~jess~
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by lastdragon | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a good revision...one small (yes I know how annoying and hipocritical of me) typo...in your next to last line "ife's refined" I think you meant "life's refined" lol but thatz just my opinion=P yeps *nods approvingly* good write.
    peace
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Life as a concept, is quite a dificult thing to write about. I thought you tackled it very well. It flowed and hung together and was a good read - well done.
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      LONGER????

    NAH!

    I like it...really!
    But...(you knew it,huh!?)
    I think the fourth line would read better like this:
    our souls are broken in two

    And can you 'splain this line:
    are empty life's fray...
    unless you meant:
    our empty live's fray??

    And this line doesn't sound right:
    we wilt up and collapse
    maybe you should take out 'up' ??

    um that's all my opinion you don't HAVE to listen to me at all
    but that's all i gotta say
    write more!
    ~jess~
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by lastdragon | [ Reply to This ]
      this was very good for a short poem. I think maybe if you added more and just went a little farther in detail, it might be a little better. but there's really nothing wrong with you do have:) the flow was nice and alot of intresting images came to mind. good write. keep writing.

    Peace
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]


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