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    dots Submission Name: Set Freedots

    Author: kaoriliveshere
    ASL Info:    19/F/USA
    Elite Ratio:    2.15 - 5/10/10
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1174
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 946

       I imagine this girl dieing. She is telling her friend you know I have seen what I have seen don't worry about me. I will be okay.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSet Freedots

    This life of mine she said
    Is too esoteric for my ears
    I have flown with the butterflies,
    And still will never understand the mind.

    Under Saturn’s rings she thought
    About the vertical sunset lines,
    How it mixes with the evil sky’s rays
    Making this picture horizontally radiant.

    With tears she cried barely for her father
    All the Earthly pain inside her faith.
    She let her spirit be release to the warmth
    To not be tame by Nature’s mother.

    In my arms she stained my clothes
    With her liquid constructed screams.
    Trying not to slip from the dream
    With her last breath to me she tells.

    Always follow the butterflies’ wings.
    They’ll never guide you down bad paths.
    Always watch the golden circle sun
    When it doesn’t make anymore rays run
    That is when I stop watching you.

    Submitted on 2005-10-30 17:17:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      an interesting poem.
    I would start by breaking it up, adding the quotations when they are needed.
    It will make it alot easier to understand.
    Maybe try making them into stanzas. that would also help it seem less .. cluttered.
    It seems now, like alot of thoughts just written on the page.
    Though your thoughts I found very interesting.
    Your words I think are very well picked,
    I would just remember that the reader needs to feel the feelings that you are creating. Sometimes you can place a word like pained.. yet another word like agonizing get the feeling across much better.
    Overall, I liked the thought the story & meaning behind the piece.
    I hope you dont think I am being mean, because I am trying to be.
    Please take this advice as you see fit & only as you see needed.
    take care
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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