Tummy by punn

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Tummy dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	punn
Elite Ratio:	3.79 - 26/36/12
Words:	109

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	205
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	657

Description:
How i felt laying next to her.

Tummy

-------------------------------------------

Laying there with my hand over our baby
who, though not there yet, will be soon, I hope
Feeling your warmth against my chest
My nose concealed in your hair
I feel you breath away from me
I blend into your rhythm

While you sleep I stand guard
Protecting you from the past
you’re ok, I’m here
Holding you until they leave
I don’t like them haunting you
I would take them away if I could

My soul inside of you
I can’t be closer
I feel you with my heart
It’s bigger than my chest
I hope you know
People can see my love for you

Submitted on 2005-10-31 02:57:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This comes across as a very honest piece of writing and if it isn't an auto-biographical account of an event, then i'd be surprised. That's a good thing.
Although the language used isn't particularly refined or experimental, i don't feel that it needs to be and this is because i believe every word you say...every promise you make.
It tells of a simple devotion, something which these days is often lost in a haze of confused metaphors and sterile intentions.
well done to you.
| Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by phineas | [ Reply to This ]
  I've read the poem a couple of times but I get lost on the first few lines...

Laying there, my hand over our baby
Who's not here yet but I hope soon.
Feeling your warmth against my body;
My nose concealed in your hair.

If your baby is not here yet, how can your nose be concealed in it's hair? Perhaps I am not reading it correctly? Because of the title and the first line, I assumed you were pregnant but when you went on to say 'my nose concealed in your hair, I assume you have had the baby? Other than that, I feel the powerful emotion and desire to protect your child from whatever it is you have seen, and understand this emotion as only a parent really can. Best of luck to you. litllost.
| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
  You do a good job of expressing your feelings in your writings. You could try to include more descriptions of things to enable your reader to understand more of what you are expressing. For instance, in the second stanza you mention protecting her from the past...what is the significance of this? Who is "them"? Maybe you could add more descriptions to enhance the senses in your writings. "My nose concealed in your hair"...how does it smell, feel...etc...I feel you breath...how does it feel? Mention more of how it feels to you through your words. "I feel you with my heart. It's bigger than my chest...how does it feel to you? Sensations... the actual love itself...etc...I like what you have here but you could enhance this wonderfully in a few easy ways. I hope you get my meaning here. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi. I really like the first line. Gives you an emotional contact instantly. I do feel though that your poem could benefit from some punctuation and to lose some of the filler words ie:

Laying there, my hand over our baby
Who's not here yet but I hope soon.
Feeling your warmth against my body;
My nose concealed in your hair.
I feel you breath away from me
I blend to your rhythm.

I've changed a couple of the word too. It just makes it easier to read, so the reader spends more time on your images as apposed to spending time just wondering where it is they should pause etc etc.

Take it easy
| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by Paradelle | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.