Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Falling Through The Skydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 689
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1167



    Description:
       This poem is about my sister. It seems like she's fallen into her own version of Wonderland, and I want her to come back out.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFalling Through The Skydots
    -------------------------------------------


    She's tumbling down a rabbit hole,
    She's falling through the sky.
    She's picking up those "happy" thoughts,
    She's learning how to fly.

    She's biting into forbidden fruit.
    She's clicking her heels together.
    "Which way do I go?" she inquires of the cat.
    He shrugs and says,"Whereeeeever..."

    "Drink me," proclaims the label on the bottle.
    "Eat me," demands another.
    She tries a little of both and finds
    That she's swiftly changed into her mother.

    She cries herself an ocean of tears
    And finds that she can't swim.
    She flails about in a useless dance,
    Her consciousness slowly growing dim.

    Then a strong hand pulls her out,
    She looks into eyes like her own.
    They tell her to give up this fantasy
    Of the world she's never really known.

    She's tumbled down the rabbit hole.
    She's fallen through the sky.
    She lands on her feet this time.
    She gives the world another try.




    Submitted on 2005-10-31 09:13:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i really like this alot, it was well written.
    the rhyming was very well done, really flowed.

    I loved the imaginary, beautiful.

    'She cries herself an ocean of tears
    And finds that she can't swim.
    She flails about in a useless dance,
    Her consciousness slowly growing dim.

    She's tumbled down the rabbit hole.
    She's fallen through the sky.
    She lands on her feet this time.
    She gives the world another try.'

    those where my favorite parts, you did a wonderful job!
    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a really good poem...It made me really sad...Jazmine needs to come out of that damned hole...I saw her on Halloween...we were going to fork your yard...but cops kept driving by so we left...we were in Nathan's van and we left our four bags of forks in his van...now he's got 192 forks...lets hope he is hungry is suppose...
    wel anyway...I liked this poem a lot...
    Very good job on that...
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      Fantastic write...it flows magnificently and the ryhme scheme is just perfect...beautifully written and very heart felt...if i am to take what i read literally im really glad that your sister was able to get out of the wonderland before she like many others was lost for years or forever...or is this just ending that you hope for? ...with a kind and caring sister like yourself...she had/has a better chance than most...i really love the whole thing..the feel to it the reference to fantasy and fairytales...defintely an Alice in Wonderland...which that story itself was also not always filled with happy and wonderful experiences...it is very apt for the story you tell so very well...i cannot praise this enough...it is one of the best ive read in a long time and i am adding it to my favs...i loved the whole thing as i said but the last verse is my fav because it is filled with hope and faith renewed...

    She's tumbled down the rabbit hole.
    She's fallen through the sky.
    She lands on her feet this time.
    She gives the world another try.
    | Posted on 2005-11-01 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well written
    I felt a lot of emotion reading this
    In this case suprisingly I saw my sister reading this poem to me about me

    I cant explain why but thats the feelings I got

    Be there for your sister as I can see your doing stay positive so she can see just how beautiful life is when you think of others and care about yourself

    Once again
    Fantastic Write Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This almost made me cry...and I don't know if you will get this in time but I wanna come see you and Jess tonight...momma said that she would bring me...I mean I guess you have to work but maybe I can see you before then hmm?

    Talk to you later...

    This was a really good poem.

    Jaz
    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      you don't need "she's" after the first line
    this is what i mean:

    She's tumbling down a rabbit hole,
    falling through the sky.
    picking up those "happy" thoughts,
    learning how to fly.

    i would say the same thing about the last stanza.

    otherwise, great read

    jonathon
    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by huntingjonathon | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah! A tremedous piece. A truly beautiful poem. The flow seems perfect apart from one little bump:

    "Which way do I go?" she inquires of the cat.

    I think it would be much better if you said:

    "Which way do I go?" she asks the cat.

    It would make the flow much better especially cause the flow hasn't wavered in any other verse. The imagery is very nice because it's simple and most of us think of those scenes when we think of fantasy. I absolutely adored the ending, though, it was truly outstanding:

    Then a strong hand pulls her out,
    She looks into eyes like her own.
    They tell her to give up this fantasy
    Of the world she's never really known.

    She's tumbled down the rabbit hole.
    She's fallen through the sky.
    She lands on her feet this time.
    She gives the world another try.

    Beautiful... :D
    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    79393

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Wavelength written by saartha
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Push written by JanePlane
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    This written by Chelebel
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Linger written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bond written by saartha
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry