Description: Andre and I had a deep conversation a few nights ago. He called me a daughter of Aphrodite. This is my attempt to see myself through his eyes. And d*mn it, when I say earthy, I mean earthy. Do not question that word anymore!
She somehow captures their attention
The moment she walks through the door.
She radiates life and vibrancy.
She has a sensuality that you can't ignore.
Look at her, she's perfect.
The girl of every man's dreams.
She's cute and she's goofy,
Yet so much deeper than she seems.
She could have any man she wanted
And of this, she's unaware.
Watch her blue eyes dance as she laughs,
And restlessly runs her fingers through her dark hair.
She touches everyone she meets.
Her smile is a light in the dark.
She has a earthy beauty that attracts attention.
Her greatest treasure is her heart.
She doesn't know the effect she has,
But you know that you want her.
This nymph that dances between shadow and light,
I like this poem and the idea behind it. you take the idea of perfection and unreachable beauty and bestow it to an odviously human girl. You combine perfection with reality with a beautiful mix. But I do agree that the earthy beauty should be earthly or un earthly depending on if you want to emphasize the human or goddess charecteristic.
I think Treybur has a very good point. I don't think of 'goofy' when I picture a Greek goddess. The theme of not realizing her beauty and how men desire her is the way to go with this, and you've got some good things to build on here with truly wonderful lines here like 'This nymph that [SHOULD BE 'WHO' WHEN REFERRING TO A PERSON, BTW] dances between shadow and light' - expand on that mythological theme.
it's got a very good theme: i love the subject of unrecognized self-beauty. and i think you've done some really good writing here, but i think you need to change some stuff too. the rhyme doesn't really work unless you establish a meter. so, my suggestion is get rid of the rhyme or get you some meter!
here's the other thing...the phrase "Aphrodite's daughter" envokes mythical imagery, but then you use very common, almost cliché' phrases like "The girl of every man's dreams. She's cute and she's goofy, Yet so much deeper than she seems." you're using common language to describe someone who is, according to your friend Andre, supposed to be anything but common. paint us a picture of this girl, don't just give us a definition...
Hmmm... quite a good piece. The flow needs some adjusting, and I think it would have been okay if you hadn't restricted yourself with rhyming. It seems rhyming has had a negative affect on this certain piece, I belive if it were free verse it would be much better.
I was very held-in-place let's say while reading the first few lines, but when you say 'she's cute and she's goofy' it's like the whole air just collapses. I mean, she's Aphrodite's daughter, she's the daughter of a goddess, she radiates life and captures everyones attention... when you say she's cute and goofy it kind of breaks the whole image the beginning of the poem creates in the readers mind.
Another thing, 'a earthy beauty'. Apart from the spelling mistake (which is something we all make) I don't think it should be 'earthy' It should be 'earthly' or even better 'unearthly' because don't forget you are describing a goddess here. The daughter of Aphrodite. I know that by 'earthy' you meant natural beauty and all that, but I think you should adjust that.
Aside from all that, I think it was a nice poem and it did have interesting imagery and certainly an excellent theme. Good job.