Description: I'm just trying this non-rhyming and haven't a clue if I'm anywhere close. Just giving it a shot.
A Train -------------------------------------------
Sitting beside the railroad
Watching a train load
At a plant nearby
Becoming very alert
As the whistle starts to blow
Knowing it's ready to go
Warning all in it's path
Speed picking up
As it goes faster and faster
Trying so hard
Just to reach it's destination
Life in itself
Is like that old train
Living in a rush
Ignoring all around
Picking up speed
We go much to fast
Unable to go back
So stop and pause
Ask yourself why
Enjoy your life
It fades much to soon
Like that old train
It will soon disappear
That is when the end is near
Fantastic reminder here of life and its tracks into eternity. When you here the whistle grab your bags and get ready huh? There is an old abandoned set of tracks just up on the ridge left over from the coal age when mining was prominent here. I will miss the sound of the whistle too, I can even remember the smoke from the old steam engine that puffed its way north. The smoke might linger for hours after he was long gone. Have you ever seen those memories for real? You have a lot more trains in the south, and I wish you might route one my direction some day. Oh, thats right, you just did and I need to thank you a whole bunch for the nice ride! Thanks again Linda.
This is an excellent poem. It seems like life is whizzing by and we are just watching it go by.Think how much better life would be if we slowed down and looked at what we did and admire others work. Sometimes it feels like we are watching life in fast forward . Your poem gives a good point of view. And comes from an excellent preception. We just need to stop and smell the roses.
Seems to me like time goes by faster every day. The older I get the faster time goes by just like that ole freight train pick'n up speed. I enjoyed read'n your poem and I think you did a nice job composing it. !doc`
I like this one. Comparing life to a train is really good. We all move through life too fast, and if we could only slow it down a bit, then that would be wonderful...but then again, not reality. And knowing my luck, it would slow down at the worst time and I would wish it was going really fast again. haha! I think you have done a really good job with this one. It is always wonderful to try a different style then what you are used to, it helps give your writings depth and character by giving some differentiation between them. I see nothing here I would change. This is good and would enjoy more of this style from you as much as I enjoy everything else you have written. Always a pleasure! Take care.
I like it as is, but if you want to play with the form here are a few ideas.
What happens if you move the last part to the first and then use the train as a vision of reflecting on those ideas?
You might also try intermingling the life lesson lines with the train images. It would add a bit of insecurity to the reader and let them bounce back and forth from the internal and external images. Sort of showing that they are different versions of the same thing.
Again, this is just fine the way it is. However one of the pleasures of getting your poetic license is the ability to take joy rides and be playful.
A good blend of rhyme and non. You shouldn't compromise your style, but I think you have started out well trying this one on for a fit. In this poem you start out with a statement, actually drawing a scene for us. Then you go on to put in an explanation. I'd try doing some pieces that avoid the explanation. First, you never know what someone else might take from your work, even something you didn't intend. There also can be multiple meanings woven in on purpose, or subconsciously on your part. Good luck, I hope you'll continue in this vein, Dave
Nice poem. I totally agree. We go through life way too fast. We need to slow down and notice the simple things. I like the referral of the train.. and the moral to this poem is one we all need to heed. A writer sees the world differently.. such as you do here.. while watching the train. Things speak to you in various ways once you start writing about them. I enjoyed this read. . and the meaning behind it. ~Sandra
this one is pretty good. i personally like poems that rhyme but i thought this one doesn't need it. i agree. sometimes life moves so fast we don't have a chance to sit back and enjoy our surroundings. we have to run full speed just to keep up with our own lives.