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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: IMMORAL CITY; MINDdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 608
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 929



    Description:
       the 2nd part to my series of poems. b4 you read this you should read "IMMORAL BEINGS"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIMMORAL CITY; MINDdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In my mind I rest no more,
    To find these answers no one knows,

    The figures become demons haunting my existence,
    I run through the alleys of my winding mind,

    Each corner I find ablaze with scorching flames of rage,
    As I run I sweat, not from exertion but from fear of those,

    Those who case me during this chaos,
    A red sky and buildings black with burns,

    Surround me at ever turn,
    A path of sin I have for chose,

    I try to help but I just lead to devastation,
    My mind still abrupt in torment,

    The hell shown demons fly with grace,
    I fall, struggling to make haste,

    In this city of wickedness I plea,
    For my sins to disband from me,

    A flash of dark shadows collides with my outer shell,
    I now lie in hell, the center of this city, of my mindů




    Submitted on 2005-11-02 06:31:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think it's fine the way it is, and trying to ryme ussually only screws poems over, I think I get this one more than I get the first one, I still dont think I am grasping the whole concept but I've got most of it.

    A red sky and buildings black with burns,
    I dont quite under stand this line was it just a line you put in there just because or does it have a reference to something???

    I really liked this part
    I try to help but I just lead to devastation,
    My mind still abrupt in torment,

    The hell shown demons fly with grace,
    I fall, struggling to make haste,

    In this city of wickedness I plea,
    For my sins to disband from me,


    BUt I dont get this part
    A flash of dark shadows collides with my outer shell,
    I now lie in hell, the center of this city, of my mindů

    So did you die and your actually in hell, because the demons got you or are you saying that your mind is a constant hell and your trapped in it???


    Drea
    | Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with my pain, rhyming would complete this poem. This is much better than your first 'immoral' poem, just do some grammatical editing and consider rhyming more, thats all i can say.
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Kane Martyr | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice this would have to be one of your better poems, u should try ryhming it flows better..well thats what i think.
    ++My Pain++
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]


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