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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Many Faces of Mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dycrain
    ASL Info:    56/F/U.S.A.
    Elite Ratio:    7.33 - 51/54/19
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 987
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1299



    Description:
       Always looking for an honest opinion, with possible suggestions of changes that could make poem easier to read. If this was your poem, would you want it to be published? If you were to come upon it as a published work, would you want to stop and read it?
    All suggestions, earnestly,given will be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you for stopping by to read.
    Blessings to you,
    Yvonne (dycrain)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Many Faces of Mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Why must a man wear a mask?
    Which is meant for you, you ask.

    Man will show a different face.
    Each depending on the time, people or place.

    Disruption, hate, love, and illusion.
    Purpose, only complete confusion.

    Cry, laugh, trust, and fears.
    Each can make us shed many tears.

    Fear of ourselves being shown.
    Is it fear of the Darkest unknown?

    Just let down your hair and be free.
    Shout to the world, THIS IS THE REAL ME !

    Rules, mores, preached all your life.
    Is this what causes the inner strife?

    Drugs, pot, pills, and lust alive this day.
    Can this be why, from life, we push away?

    Just for once, take a chance and trust.
    Rid your mind of every unjust.

    Just let down your hair and be free.
    Shout to the world, THIS IS THE REAL ME !

    Every day can be glorious beyond measure.
    Every moment can hold a hidden treasure.

    If only we could let down our hair and be free.
    Shouting to the world, THIS IS THE REAL ME !

    This beautiful day would be near.
    And, "The Many Faces of Man" could disappear.







    Submitted on 2005-11-02 06:52:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really really liked this one
    To me it reflected how shallow a life it is when all we do is live life doing what we believe others want us to do
    Its sad that many people are afraid to show there true selves
    In a mans case I can understand this a little
    because when a man shows his heart he is immediatly labeled by society
    This in return creates fear
    I have personally stepped away from the So called norm
    and established my own identity finally at peace with myself
    A very good write that captured true emotion
    Great Job!
    Ron

    And thanks for the recent comments
    I am very happy that you not only like but understand my poems
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the attitude you showed in your description and if you hold on to that you'll do well.

    I wouldn't want this as one of my poems or if it was published I wouldn't be too impressed. There are nice ideas here and I can get over the inconsistencies with your rhythm because everyone is different and I firmly believe that I poem has its own life and can be read in such a way that it defies convention and works beautifully. I don't like that the poem is made up of couplets as it is quite a noble venture and complex piece to a certain extent but because it's broken up into easy to handle portions it's n great treasure technically and if you consider that some of the rhymes are predictable fears/tears those are not high points in the piece. I also think it appears a bit rhyme driven considering that there are patches where the grammar is lagging and this gives the impression that it was a struggle to get from point A to point B at times.

    A closer look at the poem...

    Why must a man wear a mask?
    Which is meant for you, you ask.

    I think the second lines gets you to where you want to go but it could perhaps be a little clearer & I am not fond of the you you dble.


    Man will show a different face.
    Each depending on the time, people or place.

    To improve the meter you might say....

    each depends on the time or the place

    Disruption, hate, love, and illusion.

    this line here is wonderful

    Purpose, only complete confusion.

    purpose, creating confusion?

    Cry, laugh, trust, and fears.
    Each can make us shed many tears.

    Here you have cry, laugh, trust as singular and fears as plural...it would be better with complete symmetry

    The tears line has way too many syllables and is a mouthful to spit out and when I get to 'shed many tears' it combines with the fears/tears rhyme to make for a cliché moment as opposed to a kodak one as far as poetry goes.

    Fear of ourselves being shown.
    Is it fear of the Darkest unknown?

    'fear' in the last couplet and now twice in this one.
    'darkest unknown' is either a great phrase or shady as far as grammar is concerned. I can't make up my mind.

    Just let down your hair and be free.
    Shout to the world, THIS IS THE REAL ME !

    The only original words in this couplet are the uppercase ones. And I don't think there's any justification for doing it. It's like if I was afraid of lines and you tell me to jump in a gazelle custome and run around in the cage? What will I gain from this or what reasoning is there to take such a risk.

    Rules, mores, preached all your life.
    Is this what causes the inner strife?

    'mores'? morals?

    Drugs, pot, pills, and lust alive this day.
    Can this be why, from life, we push away?

    This couplet is odd because if you count the syllables in the last couplet this one is way different....and variations like that can be bought into if the reader been rewarded for their effort but this piece has a considerable amount wrong with it.

    Just for once, take a chance and trust.
    Rid your mind of every unjust.

    'just for once' seems like filler....the message is adequately conveyed by the words that follow on 'take a chance and trust' and so you've again created the appearance of not having proficiency in your craft....better to use the space to enrich the poem by reworking the lines to say more.

    Just let down your hair and be free.
    Shout to the world, THIS IS THE REAL ME !

    The repeat is a good idea but as I already mentioned, I'm not fond of the content.

    Every day can be glorious beyond measure.
    Every moment can hold a hidden treasure.

    Nice ideas here that could just use a little refinement. Since you are working in couplets and if you decide to keep that format it might be cool to think of where you want to go with the poem as a whole and then consider each couplet your last dying breath. Say to yourself....would I want to be remember by this? Do the lines say something new and is the phrasing different? Does what I'm saying in these 2 lines strengthen my argument and add to the power of the poem? If you work on one portion at a time the task is fun, you see results and before you know it you have an entirely different and richer piece (hopefully)

    If only we could let down our hair and be free.
    Shouting to the world, THIS IS THE REAL ME !

    A third variation of the 'let down our hair' phrase is too much.

    This beautiful day would be near.
    And, "The Many Faces of Man" could disappear.

    So, at the end of all of it your justification is that a beautiful day would be near...not here but near....this to me is another example of good ideas that lack the follow through to make them work....and since the end of the poem is so diluted all the good facets in it and even in your final line are locked away behind the weaker aspects that are not a hopeless case but that just require some more thought and polish on your part.

    I don't pretend to know everything about poetry and if you are feeling beaten down then that was not the reason I spent so much time typing with two fingers...I liked your open attitude and their is a poem of merit lying in waiting.

    use or lose,

    DB
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      As a whole it's not a bad poem, but it can be improved.

    I don't think the way it's spaced out really works, it doesn't really suit the poem so maybe you could try putting it into stanzas, ending each one with the THIS IS THE REAL ME couplet.

    The second couplet feels too bottom heavy and could maybe be trimmed to something like:

    Man will show a different face.
    Depending on the time or place

    Jumping forwards slightly, I'd do something similar to the last couplet:

    The beautiful day would be near
    When "The Many Faces of Man" disappear.

    Also you don't need to end every line with puncuation, leave some out and let it flow a bit more.

    It's your poem and feel free to disagree with my suggestions.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Icarus.
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very true poem. People only show what they want others to see. It is a shame that we seem to be this way, but it is a fact. We only tend to let our hair down with a select few that we are close enough to and comfortable enough with to do so and even then, do we really ever know someone? The world would most certainly be a different place if there were no masks, but would it in fact be better? This is quite thought provoking if both sides are considered. People tend to hide what they think is bad, so how would it be if that wasnt hidden? Would our society be even worse than it is? Hmmm...??? I think overall this is nicely written. I wonder if you should have a question mark after the question in the second line of the first stanza. And one typo noted in the 7th stanza, mores...should that be morals? Otherwise a good write that raises lots of what if questions. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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    79598

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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