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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Baby Breathedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wallya20
    ASL Info:    18/m/Bahamas
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 113/68/26
    Words: 298
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 974
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1861



    Description:
       Bout my love


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBaby Breathedots
    -------------------------------------------


    That love merely shifted it never died.
    Yours truly, the face you see each time you close your eyes.
    It should be my voice entering, filling and,
    Sticking in that mind of yours
    Words can and will express how I feel,
    Listening to your voice places warmth,
    Like the evening sun passing through an open window,
    Grazing and caressing my skin,
    When you place your hands upon-
    Just speak once again that warmth draws me,
    That comfort you need to feel, is right here,
    Right here with my touch,

    You breathe …

    Within that one breath are over-induced feelings of-
    It said to me “That’s it baby right there, hold me tighter,
    Interlace your fingers; I am here, its that place ‘only you can’
    That emotion, feeling, I feel so”-
    Broken sentences personifies and intensifies that emotion,
    You’re trying to explain it but shhhh; I’ll do as you said,
    Our lives aren’t always perfect,
    Times go on and problems are in our future,
    I was hurt by you, left in the dark,
    Trying in a sense to protect me, more harm done than good,
    This is an interlude telling of an empire of love fading with that downpour of tears,
    A love that was almost lost, nearly turned into hate,
    Or brushed aside, forgotten like an inanimate object misplaced,
    But like the star of a sappy love movie,
    You showed up in the nick of time, just before-
    Overpowering feelings, almost too many, rushed back
    That love graced me with its acquaintance once more,
    Welcomed back by tears and open arms,
    No one’s going to love you like I can
    I have emotions with the simplest thing you do,
    I feel comforted, loved, greeted, and smiled upon baby just-
    Baby breathe…




    Submitted on 2005-11-02 17:38:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this poem alot :). The meaning of love is a powerful emotion, I love the poems that come straight from the heart they always seem to have the greatest effect on me. The wording is terrific, I can really 'feel'. When I read this I thought of my own personal experiences, I recently went through a situation where my love left my world and came back to me. He's the only thing I've done right in my life in a long time, so when he didn't want to be without me, he made me the happiest I've ever been. But anywho, overall this is a great piece and I'll be reading more of your writings! Grea job :).

    ~Cris
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ]
      aww bubz this was beautiful, u write about love so perfectly, u have a great talent and it should be seen and heard by everyone, im gonna spread the word,
    keep me posted
    &
    keep em cummin
    kyrenia
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by secret kisses | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow..This was beautiful, I mean no words, the flow was perfect, captivated me to want to read more, it was just wow..Hm..I like the feel of this poem, its honest, yet to in love and somewhat hurt. Everyone gets hurt, its just a matter of how you respond and grow from that feeling of rejection. And doesn't it suck when people are trying to protect you, but they end up hurting you even more in the end, I did that this week..Made me feel like ----.

    "No one’s going to love you like I can
    I have emotions with the simplest thing you do,
    I feel comforted, loved, greeted, and smiled upon baby just-
    Baby breathe… "

    I liked those lines the best..Strong ending..very strong..It was just emotional and deep, very warm and strong for some reason, once again great feel. Makes the reader feel really good, and hopeful after reading this. One thing I can't believe is how many views this poem has, and that almost no one has commented, take that as a compliment, I hate it when people don't comment,lol. But anywho, lovely poem, keep up it up! and good luck with love!!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a beautifully well-written poem. You have a lot of vivid lines in this and show a very well-developed and mature voice. I think your only the second poet I’ve seen on this site who can render authentic dialogue, the first was On1eday. You can create the most evocative images yet, it seems to me, and this is only my opinion, that you feel a need to add in summary lines in case your reader doesn’t fully understand. Of course, all that I suggest in this critique is just my own subjective opinion, for you take or leave as you please.

    That love merely shifted it never died.

    This is engaging because by using that and not the reader feels as if they should be familiar with that love which leaves them asking ‘what love’

    Yours truly, the face you see each time you close your eyes.

    You go on to show that he should, and is, in love with you. You don't need to tell us here. By doing so you lose the potentail for suspense as we read. In my own subjective opinion I'd prefer the poem unravelled as I read it.

    It should be my voice entering, filling and,
    Sticking in that mind of yours

    This is one exquisite line, very fresh, original and unique. Yet, I think collocation might be stronger if you didn’t end on an ‘and’. I think also it might read easier without the ing’s, and as ‘your mind’ rather than the more prosaic 'that mind of yours' so I’d render it:

    It should be my voice that enters, fills
    and sticks in your mind

    I love how you allude to the cliché ‘words could never express how I feel’ and make it the affirmative

    ‘Words can and will express how I feel,’

    I also think the lines:

    Listening to your voice places warmth,
    Like the evening sun passing through an open window,

    are stunning, yet every reader has heard phrases akin to ‘listening to your voice places warmth,’ you could frame these superb lines better if you condensed them to:

    Listening to your voice,
    Like the evening sun passing through an open window,

    Now I come to one of my favourite lines:

    Grazing and caressing my skin,
    When you place your hands upon-


    That’s just perfect, it couldn’t be better expressed.
    I would lose the lines:

    Just speak once again that warmth draws me,
    That comfort you need to feel, is right here,
    Right here with my touch,
    You have already created the sense of a warm voice, and you're being comfort to him if he needs it so repeating these lines feels like your giving your reader a summary, like you haven’t trusted the strength of your writing to lure them this far, and believe me it has done.
    I like the middle phrase ‘You breathe …’

    The second stanza far outshines the first. I think your only the second poet I’ve seen on this site who can render authentic dialogue, the first was On1eday. The lines:

    Within that one breath are over-induced feelings of-
    It said to me “That’s it baby right there, hold me tighter,
    Interlace your fingers; I am here, its that place ‘only you can’
    That emotion, feeling, I feel so”-
    Broken sentences personifies and intensifies that emotion,
    You’re trying to explain it but shhhh; I’ll do as you said,

    are just inspired. Yet, I find the lines:

    Our lives aren’t always perfect,
    Times go on and problems are in our future,
    I was hurt by you, left in the dark,
    Trying in a sense to protect me, more harm done than good,

    jar with the rest, they are overly sentimentalised. Like I could be reading them off of a Birthday card, it isn’t that there isn’t a role for poetry like this, it's just that it doesn’t fit with the rest of this particular poem. I, personally, would lose it.

    This is an interlude telling of an empire of love fading with that downpour of tears,

    This line is just awe-inspiring, yet again you seem to think that the line hasn’t conveyed as much as it has, and add in a line summarising it:

    A love that was almost lost, nearly turned into hate,

    I think you could lose this. Using the first clause to begin the very beautiful line:

    Or brushed aside, forgotten like an inanimate object misplaced,

    So that it becomes:

    A love that was almost brushed aside, forgotten like an inanimate object misplaced,

    Then we come onto:

    But like the star of a sappy love movie,
    You showed up in the nick of time, just before-
    Overpowering feelings, almost too many, rushed back
    That love graced me with its acquaintance once more,

    These lines again are wonderfully evocative and don’t, in my opinion, need:

    Welcomed back by tears and open arms,
    No one’s going to love you like I can
    I have emotions with the simplest thing you do,

    I do however like the last line very much.

    I feel comforted, loved, greeted, and smiled upon baby just-
    Baby breathe…
    | Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    79673

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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