You cried when you told me by punn

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Submission Name: You cried when you told me dots

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Author:	punn
Elite Ratio:	3.79 - 26/36/12
Words:	132

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	250
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	759

Description:
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You cried when you told me dots

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I will find my way back to you…
I don’t know how,
I don’t know when.
My life will be nothing without you…
I will be very alone,
No one to love.
You cried when you told me.
Sitting on the bed with your knees bent.

How am I supposed to deal with this…
I go back to nothing,
without you.
What will I be without you…
What will I do without you?
You cried when you asked me.
Sitting on the bed with your knees bent.

yes, and it is the first time that i have ever had
anyone to really love...
Don’t let me go alone.
Come with me?
I cried when you asked me.
Sitting on the bed with your knees bent.

Submitted on 2005-11-03 01:08:30 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This poem brought back some pretty tough memories for me...but it was a great write. When my boyfriend left for the Marines...the night he left...we just sat there and cried...It was exactly like your first stanza...I knew my life would be nothing without him..and we didn't know when the next time we would see eachother would be. I would have given anything to be able to go with him...but I couldn't..and I'm still waiting to be with him again...really WITH him...and I can't wait for that day. Great write. Great emotion. ~hailie!
| Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow this is a very good love poem... I love the end it made me feel cared for you know... Very nice ending which I thought was the best part because it is what the poem is all about it is about this person who has to go away not by choice and this other person is feeling the pain from that but in the end the light comes when the person asks if he would go with her... You really catch peoples feelings with that... absolutly caught mine anyways... Again I must say this is great just for the fact that true love waits and can overcome everything like the first stanza established but in the end they find a way to stay together and that is really sweet...

Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
  this seems to be a breakup poem of some sort, am i correct? in general, i enjoyed it because i could feel the emotion, having gone through a terrible break up recently. however, i thought it was a bit redundant throughout. i get the feeling that that's just your choice of style for this poem, but i dont know if it works. you might want to switch it up rather than have so many parallels in consecutive lines, but thats just a suggestion! good work!
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by xvacantxskiesx | [ Reply to This ]
  The way I read this was that she had to go away for some reason and was torn in all directions. I'm glad she asked you to go with her. (I'm assuming you are male-sorry if wrong). I love the emotion in this poem which I feel even more when you mention the lines 'sitting on the bed with your knees bent'. These lines make the mental image much sharper in my mind. The only thing I would change is the last two lines by making them one line lower like this;

I can’t see my life without you…
Don’t let me go alone.
Come with me?

...I cried when you asked me!
Sitting on the bed with your knees bent

A lovely poem. litllost.
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a sad love poem. Overall this is a good expression of your feelings. I think this could benefit from a few things. First, it needs more description. What did she tell you? Should we assume she broke up with you? Why is she crying? This leaves the reader with a whole lot of questions. The repetition throughout the poem isnt bad but I think the poem would benefit from less of it. Maybe a different description of how she is sitting with different words that say the same thing maybe? Or just mention how she is sitting just once and use the other lines for something else. Even small changes in the repetition can make a big difference in the read. Is she moving? Where is she going? How does it make you feel? These are all suggestions, and just my opinion. This tells a very sad story that is nicely written. A little more insight could help the reader relate more to the write. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good poem. I like the simplistic voice and the repitition of the very vivid and personal 'sitting on the bed with your knees bent'. It seems charged with emotional energy. If I were to improve it anyway, it would be to say all of it should be so personalised and idiosyncratic. Perhaps, using alternatives for:

I will find my way back to you…
I don’t know how.
I don’t know when.
My life will be nothing without you…
I will be very alone.
No one to love.
What will I be without you…
What will I do without you?

Yet there is a charm in these familair phrases that is all there own. So it might work just as well like this. A good write thanks for shring,

Speacenik.
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]

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