Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: enervationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TD
    ASL Info:    34/f/Aust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 92/81/21
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1341



    Description:
       "We are the hollow men ....." What if the quest is simple and it is others who have sacrificed compassion or morality for the sake of idealism (or themselves)? What then is the salvation? This is not a direct commentary, but rather an insight into those forgotten ..... by others and themselves.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsenervationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Left to his own devices, vices once applauded,
    and cloistered in a hell of cinders
    of cherished memories–
    faux fur to the gaudy.
    Thoughts once potent and sharp
    drift like black snow in cane burning season;
    staining, marring the whites hung out to dry.
    Where have all the blue sunbirds gone?
    – camouflaged in the absence of his mate,
    a relic, a millstone, mislaid au fait.

    Yesterday, a man to be reckoned with,
    a companion with designs,
    marvelled at a world unfolding,
    supine in the soft, satin of his palm.
    But Yesterday dissolved
    in the creases that remained;
    too deep to scour away,
    too sorrowful to salve.
    Who will help him when he's down,
    when they've left him to his own?

    And in the mire, man and boy merge,
    a wraith in Valhalla,
    abandoned by the faithful
    and condemned by his patrons
    (or paid too small a price).
    He wanders the cross-hatched
    road, in search of what he had:
    a metallic blue sunbird
    nesting with a sunburst twin;
    and wishes only for one small thing–

    someone, somewhere, listening.




    Submitted on 2005-11-03 09:08:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      TD,

    This piece is cutting edge. I read it a while back briefly, before i was drawn back to what i should have been doing, and didn't give it the time. This poem is your best, and i only realise this truly with dictionary in my hand. This is particularly the first stanzas fault.

    The first stanza you speak so eloquently a duality of loss and love, of stength and weakness and of pride and all that is stripped away. This is us, always, at the same time, the bipolar duality - a contradiction and paradox. This is what is ignored when all is well, hidden because it is too hard to acknowledge and understand, but at some time, for all of us this is brought to bare. At the end of the road, when we stop, it is there. What makes us, tears us apart, from the inside.

    The second stanza builds on this beautifully, the unsalvagable, but still there is no regret. There is strength but no salvation.

    The last stanza though is heartbreaking. Again there is the duality, the man and the boy, as one. All is stripped away. And despite the discarding of all that once was by others, all that is yearned is beauty. Simple beauty. This is the duality, the yin and the yang. The beauty of the blue bird is only a reflection of the self, a beautiful, well lived and now truly honoured man.

    It's my fav.

    Abzy
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your imagery, but don’t care for your verbiage – not because it is elevated, but because it seems to stretch for its meaning, rather than appearing to flow naturally. For instance, “marvelled” in S2 seems to mean that he amazed the world, rather than that ‘he marvelled at the world’. If that 1st meaning is correct, it requires more interpretation than I prefer, though that is only a personal preference. If you mean the 2nd meaning, then it’s merely incorrectly stated. Also, I (again) personally would have preferred the line split to occur before “supine”.
    Having ragged on some details, I want to compliment your command of language, and more important, your attention to detail. Obviously well thought out, as most your poems seem to be, this one too reflects a lot of work. Please do not think my nit-picking and differing personal preferences reflect a lack of appreciation. Far from it. Your thoughts are deep and interesting, and I shall be looking for your writes.
    fred
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    79727

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry