I never found the time (rev) by punn

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Submission Name: I never found the time (rev) dots

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Author:	punn
Elite Ratio:	3.79 - 26/36/12
Words:	122

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	224
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	733

Description:
i wish we had talked more when we had the chance.
do you feel it?
does it flow?

I never found the time (rev) dots

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Maybe I never found the time
to tell you what you needed to hear…
I guess I thought you knew,
That I was new to this,
And didn’t know what to do.
Take my hand and hold it tight,
I’ve never felt safer.
With you, I’ll go through life,
And stand by your side.
I’ll hold you up when you are down,
And lay with you while you sleep.
I never felt like this before,
In dreams it seems like fiction,
A new emotion for me
In love for the first time.
My pride is over flowing,
You'll be my lovely wife.
Storybooks and movies,
always have an ending.
nothing last for ever,
except my love for you.

Submitted on 2005-11-04 11:02:19 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Well, it's good that people can relate to this... but I found you use the words 'I and you' too much. You wanted nitpicking details so here I am lol.

Try to inject a metaphor or two. Stating it bald-faced is kind of predictable and boring. And yea, it's been said before. I'm not wanting to rain on your parade but you want something that goes 'oomph' in a new and interesting way. It's all fair and nice to write about real experiences but to inject something different and unusual is what gets me going. Otherwise I just go 'hmm, ok'... you know?

Don't be afraid to explore metaphors and language. There's trillions of combinations out there... you just have to find your own code.

As this stands, it almost comes across as a Hallmark card. Which is generally not that cool. I guess what I'm saying is that I would like to know more about you and this lady of yours.... why do you love her, what makes you go 'wow' when you're around her... I mean, there's a million questions and answers you could go into, instead of posing the same force-fed jargon that I've seen here a few too many times.

Sorry to be so harsh dude, but I seriously hope this helps. You wanted nitpicking, you got it. And most people are too afraid to give their honest opinion without fear of reprisal or whatever. I hate middle of the road comments - it smacks of skimming a piece through or just plain lethargy in trying to make other writers see their weaknesses or their strong points. Hell, I know I have mine... but I get told them and I try to work through them, you know?

Disregard everything I just wrote. It's just my crappy opinion out of a sea of billions of fishes. Meh. Lol.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2005-11-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Awww...I can reallly relate to this, because I remember feeling like this, and I still do somewhat, and I barely see him anymore, and I miss him. The way that you captured your emotions was really good. I think this is a really like great write, because I can feel the words, like a gentle breeze, it was very well written.
"You'll be my lovely wife.
Storybooks and movies,
always have an ending.
nothing last for ever,
except my love for you"
were myy favorite lines, because you ended the poems with how you really felt, and it was just hard core feeling, and I really thought it was an amazing write. Great job with it.
Peace and love,
~Aya*
| Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece was something that my boyfriend has been telling me for a long time, but he has a hard time explaining it to me, he saw this and dragged me to the computer. Thank you for writing this, it has helped him express to me how he feels. Well written I think, emotions are hard to put into words but I believe you did it well. Good work!
| Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by angel_eyes9701 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is wonderful. So full of love and emotions. You have done a great job expressing your feelings with this poem! I only have one suggestion. This poem reads as if you were writing this to her but in your 17th line you say "she'll be my lovely wife" and I think you mean "you will be my lovely wife". Otherwise I think this is very romantic and nicely written. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  For a completely raw poem, I don't mind the rawness, if that makes any sense. Love is raw, unsure and quite mind boggling. Love is...love, there is and will never be anything like it. Now on to my nitpicking:

"Maybe I never found the time
to tell you what I needed you to hear…" Hmmm...the 'I needed' part takes out of the sentance. I like the begining, by the way, it's like someone saying softly, come...come...anyway: If you switch the second sentance around to 'to tell you what you needed to hear...' I think it'd flow better.
"I guess I thought you knew;" Interesting, what do you think she knew already? That you loved her? If I were you, I'd take the ';' out and replace it with a comma. It'll help with the connection to the next line.
"That I was new to this,
And didn’t know what to do." These two lines are one of my favorites. This is the point where the poem becomes a POEM and not just a bunch of words strung together. Finally a human voice begins to form here.
"Take my hand and lead me through,
I’ve never felt safer." Lead you through what? A maze...a maze of love? You feel safe with her when she holds your hand...awww...here is where the love forms.
"With you, I’ll go through life,
And stand by your side." You'll protect her and stand by her when she is with you. The poem starts to become more understandable here, I know now how deep the love is, however cheesy it sounds.
"I’ll hold you up when you are down,
And lay with you while you sleep." Awww...nothing can be said here...
"I never felt like this before,
In dreams it seemed like fiction…
In love for the first time." I'd drop the '...' and instead use a comma, it helps with the ever hating flow that is essential for a great poem. Plus I don't like the second line, sorry. It's like a dead weight on this very nice group. Change it, switch it around since you aren't rhyming in this one.
"What a joyful bliss." Ohhh...this needs help. Bliss will be when this line is fixed. You've done so well so far that it hurts to see such a rushed and forced ending. Switch it around, maybe, what bliss is this joyful? Or something like that.
"Storybooks and movies end,
But I saw our future." GRRRRR! The one thing I'd change is this ending. It's been so beautiful and I know that it is hard to think up endings but you HAVE TO TRY! Add a few words to the first line in this group. Like: Storybooks and movies always have an ending/but only I can see our future.

I really like this poem, I'm not lying. It needs work though. I love the idea and you have a knack for getting the emotions right. My challange to you is to make this 10 times better then it is and then send me a PM. I'll come and review it again. I am so glad that I got the chance to read this and help you. Have a nice day!

~Cheers
AshNight
| Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by AshNight | [ Reply to This ]

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