"Far gone and out" by YoungWerther

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Submission Name: "Far gone and out" dots

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Author:	YoungWerther
ASL Info:	20/M/ Los Locos
Elite Ratio:	4.14 - 69/92/65
Words:	68

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	209
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	460

Description:

"Far gone and out" dots

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Spilling five or six, no more drink
Feeling my eyes reel as they sink
Never understanding life
Then assuming myself a suicide
Five instances passed as I became
Aware of my flaws and lame
Am I, imperious contractor of souls
Pimp at my trade while lighting my rolls
Smoking forever condescending
brands of descending
products of higher zenith
But of materials of lower pith.

Submitted on 2005-11-04 22:01:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
OK... I've looking forward to commenting on your poems... I stumbled across "Sorge des Melancholischen Herz" and I was thunderstruck... I couldn't say anything about it though I believe it's too deep and complex a piece... I may comment on it later... I have it on an folder so as not to forget that I have to say something about it.

But let's get down on business shall we... I thought the current write was a very twisted one... thought I liked it... correct me if I'm wrong but from these line …

“Five instances passed as I became
Aware of my flaws and lame”

….I got that you might have tried to do away with yourself 5 times...

I reckon that the whole thing was quite delightful but something weird happened to me while I was reading it... I reached "Am I, imperious contractor of souls" and I had to stop coz it took my breath... I guess you can’t get more passionate than that, can you? ... was exceedingly intense and powerful.

On a similar vein, I have to admit that I’m inclined to believe that the second part of the poem is way more piercing and effective than the first... from the aforementioned line onwards... As for critiques ….. be careful with line breaks matters and try to add some punctuation that’s always an important issue if you really want to show where the emphasis was placed.

Take care

With much admiration,

Ethan.
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
praise the lawd! you have come down a notch i thought you were always going to be at that level where I'd have to look in the dictionary at every fifth word ha ha ok enough smart assism (made up word) from me. to your write good sir.

"Then assuming myself a suicide" is this death of the body or spirit? hmmm maybe both. ok had to look up "imperious" found it to mean: arrogant, overbearing and the second definition i found is: urgent, imperative. funny it seems a few could fit there too.

correction "descedning" to "descending"

had to look up "pith" means: a soft spongy tissue in the center of lower plant stems (hey what you smokin! ) 2nd meaning essential part; gist

ok i had to back up to "pimp at my trade while lighting my rolls" i just see weed in this maybe using/selling it. if that is the case it could explain the rest, the quality of it getting worse. interesting write though and thanks for the read,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]

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