THIS ONE IS FANTASTIC! the way those death masks always look weird and saggy, but the lips are life-like, but so stern and set...wonderful thing to bring to the surface...also like the idea of a pebble in sand...the sets of ideas..how did you choose what to group with what?
I really enjoyed this alot, I hate the feeling of knowing something & not being able to tell. You really discribed keeping secrets in a very beautiful way, very captivating.
again I am at a loss of words to tell you, I always enjoy when people let me know they liked the write, so that is what I am doing for you
I enjoyed this very much, very well written & the feelings were very well relayed to your readers. Take care ~jennifer
Guess what? Your first stanza fits the requirements of sen-ryu perfectly... cool huh? I feel that most of your message is in that first stanza somehow.
I read mike's description and agree with what he says... I was going to do a breakdown but he's done it for me already so yea hahah.
With all that said, I do think this needs one extra stanza... something is being left unsaid or not being explained... but hell, that's the title of your poem so you probably want it like that, right?
It would be very easy to make this a chained sen-ryu... lines four and seven have four syllables - one more in each line and it's a perfect chained sen-ryu.
Food for thought? It won't take much you know. I don't have much else to say I'm sorry. So I'll leave it at that.
Obviously there is a lot of images indicative of hurt in this poem, I’m not sure I fully understand them all. The pain associated with Keeping Secrets behind this death mask presumably the mind races unable to express your feelings. There is a sense of warfare as you write argument between friends, Picasso's trenches, with bodies twisted and caught in unspeakable horror. For such a short poem there is a wealth of association. Really interesting. lol Comradenessie
L1 “lips setting to stone” this means to me being tight lipped. though the “set in stone” also has its meaning as something that is permanent. another stone reference can be drawing water out of a stone which means something that is almost impossible to achieve and someone who is stubborn. turning to stone obviously to grow cold. just a few stony items I thought I’d plug in.
L2 now this line is interesting and if “dabbed for a death mask” I think of burial masks especially ancient Egypt come to mind.
L3 “a pebble in sand” a pebble in sand means to me something that would stand out. the pebble having more mass in a given area. it can represent a large problem that is among smaller ones something one cant live with.
L4 the night can be a mood and the smashed glass. that would depend on what type of glass it is a chalice, mirror, window, etc each has a meaning attached. glass by itself is very open.
L5 this is a wicked line to say the least “barbs in pulsating heart valves” not just the heart but the valves. since valves are there to allow blood to pass either to the heart or away from the heart in a single direction. now just thinking of this is painful, I wouldn’t want to know what that feels like. also the beat of the heart I believe comes from the valves opening and closing. so either this is describing pain, implication of a disease, or maybe even a terror of sorts.
L6 “Picasso’s trenches” I cant help thinking of something political from this. but the work of Picasso is very symbolic and abstract.
the jump out of metaphorical language into plain, I believe. could be wrong though. L7-8
L9 “neons” I would change to “neon” this verse means to me that what it is will be made known. only because I picture neon signs. and diffuse I knew it was: to spread out and be made thin but I wanted to see if there was another definition for that word so I looked and aha!: using more words than are needed. diffuse might be better as diffused.
well it is a very interesting and thinking write. don’t know how accurate I could be on this. sometimes I throw the dart and I hit, other times I miss the board completely. thanks for the lovely read,
wow! i really found the imagery apt... the first three lines really depict the tone of the poem... nice work... will watch out for ur name... kep 'em coming...
Submission Name: Keeping Secrets
