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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Numbdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SorrowfulMind
    ASL Info:    18/Female/Alton, IL
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 27/39/13
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1121
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1196



    Description:
       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNumbdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beat me 'til your fingers break.
    Hurt me all your heart can take.
    No regret and no mistake.
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb.

    Scream and shout your final breath.
    Scorn me 'til your ending death.
    Burn me as you care no less.
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb.

    Cease your words of pointless fears.
    Scold me as you wipe my tears.
    'Til no more cries will reach your ears.
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb.

    Drop me on a bed on nails.
    Push me down if all else fails.
    Kick me 'til you hear no wails.
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb.

    Shattered dreams and countless nights.
    Hollow words and endless fights.
    Silent bark, yet still it bites.
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb.

    Selfish grasps and dying cries.
    Still, no tears will fill these eyes.
    Nothing spoken.. no replies.
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb.

    Tear me down with bitter hands.
    Break my heart from where it stands.
    Hear my screams across no lands.
    Don't worry.. I'm still numb.




    Submitted on 2005-11-06 02:34:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this write
    It is a very powerful and heartfelt write
    I believe you were writing about being hurt so many times in life that you are know immune against someones negativity
    Kind of what happenend in my life

    I can relate very easily

    A Great Write!

    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Why you require suggestions is beyond me.
    The piece is brilliant.
    I love the way the emotion is spread out, they way the rhyming is situated.

    “Shattered dreams and countless nights..
    Hollow words and endless fights..
    Silent bark, yet still it bites..
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb.”

    This one was my favorite stanza, I can relate to this one on many occasions.
    Done beautifully.
    It immediately won it’s place on my fav’s list!
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by theDevilsPocket | [ Reply to This ]
      my general advice to you is maybe tale out the .. at the end of every line. i don't think they belong. but that's only my opinion if you want them, leave them. it's your poem. i thought the poem was good in the subject matter, stanza formation, rhyme, word choice, etc. you get the point. good work.

    Misty
    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by mistakes | [ Reply to This ]
      why do you think you need suggestions? this poem is perfect the way it is... it made alot of sense... it works in every way... the flow is good... the rhyming gives it a wonderful touch... it was a very good poem... enjoy
    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by Esophagus1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yum, I like this. You really capture the helplessness of a relationship that has deteriorated to such a state.

    Nice rhyming, Welsh Rhupunt form, I believe, and if you fixed a couple of the syllable accents, it would be perfect. Let me know if you want me to showyou where, but if you're happy with it, well that's OK

    I liked it a lot, very well done!

    be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent typification of the numbness of a shattered relationship and the slow moment of realization that the two are no longer one. You (or whomever the broken hearted may be) have reached the maximum point of saturation in regard to pain and disappointment, and every additional sorrow is like water pouring from a full glass: cruelly uneccessary. Nicely, nicely, beautifully done.
    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very intense. The coninual repeats do a very good job of breaking up the poem which seems to add to the pain thats trying to be caused.

    Selfish grasps and dying cries..
    Still, no tears will fill these eyes..
    Nothing spoken.. no replies..
    Just hurry.. while I'm numb..

    This verse is amazing i love the way it shatters the lines as well as showing how she still doesnt care. I really hope this isn't you because if you are numb then society has a great loss on its hands.
    xxAngelxx

    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by The_Angelic_Dea | [ Reply to This ]


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