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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sunlight of Time (Fourth Revision)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: colopoao
    ASL Info:    42/ Male / Hallowell Mai
    Elite Ratio:    4.89 - 62/55/18
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 973
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 583



    Description:
       This is a poem that I wrote several months a go. I honstly do not remember the circumstances that may have sparked the words. Maybe it will help you reflect on the little things in life that are so easily overlooked.

    Chris 11/6/2005


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSunlight of Time (Fourth Revision)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A leaf sitting by the side of the road
    Brown
    Tattered
    Green and Bright
    Several Months Earlier
    Now....alone
    wilted
    remembering.....

    A jogger moves slowly
    towards the leaf
    Left....Right....Left
    Stops and picks it up

    It crumbles
    Brown dust
    across the road
    and disappears into
    the dark.....

    Spring brings buds
    which will once again
    Bring beauty as the seasons move
    forward into the

    Sunlight of Time.....




    Submitted on 2005-11-06 15:50:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The way you convey the passage of time in this poem is truly lovely. While I recognise that there is a convention for commencing lines with capitals and even including them midline for emphasis I think that the beauty of this poem is in its simplicity. Albeit, I would keep the Capitals for the Left...Right...Left because this makes for a great contrast. Also you seem to have an unnecessary e in darkness. I hope you dont mind my suggesting

    A leaf sitting by the side of the road
    brown
    tattered.
    Green and bright
    several months earlier
    now alone
    wilted
    remembering.

    A jogger moves slowly
    towards the leaf
    Left...Right...Left
    stops and picks it up

    It crumbles
    brown dust
    across the road
    and disappears into
    the darkness of the
    pavement.

    Spring brings buds
    which will once again
    bring beauty as the seasons move
    forward into the
    sunlight of time...

    I hope this helps. Please keep in touch
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Like Paradelle I really don't like the way you have used brackets here its very confusing for the reader but the image of the leaf is strong and the description of the jogger moving slowly towards the leaf - Left...Right...Left is cleverly done.
    Love and peace
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-09 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello. I like the way that this is formatted, but i'm not so sure about the use of []. You've used very little punctuatiion, obviously so that the reader flows through the work, but i kept stopping at the [] and pausing when i shouldn't be.

    It's alomost as if you have a 2nd voice in your poem, an omnipresent narrator looking over the shoulder of your main narrator.

    Of course, i'm always a bit down on [] () ' ' or italics.

    Cool
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Paradelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall, I think the poem was a fairly good one. The imagery was nice and the wording, I found, was wonderful. The layout was nice as well. The one thing I'd like to comment on is at the end of the poem, when you say "But not with ugliness ...
    With a beauty as the seasons move
    forward into the
    Sunlight of Time..."

    Like Alia, the 'transition point' as she puts it, is not in relation with the rest of the poem.

    This kind of shattered the feeling I had. I mean throught the poem I got the idea that the point you were trying to get across was that green leaves turn brown and get tattered and old and crumble and are forgotten, but there are other leaves to be green.

    The point you seemed to be sending, on the other hand, was that next time the green leaves will turn brown but won't be tattered or torn or old, they'd turn brown with beauty.

    Now, perhaps the image you give is nice, but I don't get the poitn of it. Could it mean next time you try things will be better? You see, with the first image, the point is clear. I'm describing life. Things do get tattered and torn, but others take it's place. An example is death. While people die, people are born.

    You're point is less clear, so I think if you were to go back to this piece, it'd be good if you remembered what inspired the poem and what the point you want to get over is.

    All in all, I think the rest of the piece was good enough. An interesting poem.
    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you.

    You never know how a piece of writing will look to other eyes. I have always used the ' dot 'approach to my poetry. I can deffinatley see how at this particular time of my life, it is not working for this piece. Thank you very much for your critique. I really appreciate it.

    I really just typed in in really quickly and changed a couple of things as I was typing it. I wanted to get all of the words on to the screen so that I would not lose them. The piece of paper is really tattered.


    Have a great day and thank you very much for your thoughts I will be modifying this in the very near future and will be looking to some of your thoughts for the next revision..... :-) Chris
    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by colopoao | [ Reply to This ]


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