The Cherry Blossoms by mistakes

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Submission Name: The Cherry Blossoms dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	mistakes
ASL Info:	15/f/ the shadow realm
Elite Ratio:	2.65 - 16/56/6
Words:	67

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	254
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	468

Description:
inspired by a picture someone i know drew that featured cherry blossoms.

The Cherry Blossoms dots

-------------------------------------------

cherry blossoms drifted
in the sparkling water
as she lay her head unto the grass
her hands playing
across the smooth crystal surface.

her green eyes misting over
with tears of remorse
as the water turns pink,
then a thick red.

the cherry blossoms fall
across her face so pale
and then into the tainted water.
her eyes close,
and she fades into beautiful death.

Submitted on 2005-11-06 20:13:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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-------------------------------------------

the shadows are not as they seem
they promise fame,
they offer money,
but give nothing at all.
and the dreams
oh, you'll never be rid of the dreams
they will haunt you
like the shadows from which you try to hide
twisting your reality into a nightmare
full of horrible screams

in the darkness they wait
blending and mixing
so you cannot see that they are there
waiting for you to let your guard down
your flesh and spirit they will tear
so i tell you, shadows are security
as long as you don't believe their lies
or fall victim to there sanity shattering cries

if you cannot handle this
tthen take this to thought
never get lost in the dark
you will lose your way
and then you are theirs
stay out of the desolate corners
and the wide open and empty spaces
and away from the paper blank faces
what happens to you there
is beyond all repair.

Submitted on 2005-07-24 11:15:40 Terms of Service / © Rules
Help: [ The Average Poem ] [ Writing Tips ] [ Help! ] [ Hall of Fame ] [ Top Givers ]

"I can relate! Great write! Love the [[flow, wording, rhyme]]. You rock!!!" = Bad comment

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Author: mistakes
ASL Info: 15/f/ the shadow realm

Elite Ratio: 2.87 - 16/46/6
Words: 174
Class/Type: Poetry/Death
Total Views: 55
Average Vote: No vote yet.
Bytes: 1366

Commentary type requested: Thoughts
[ Recent comments given by mistakes. ]

Description:

Suicidal Children
-

suicidal children
with glowing red eyes
sit bloody and bleeding
waiting for the Reaper
to come sweeping by
so he'll take them
away from their pain
and release them from
unimaginable shame.

suicidal children
with such empty gazes
lie unloved and alone
no one to hold them tight
no one to call their own
no one to whisper
everything's gonna be alright.

suicidal children
filled with anger and fear
walk dark streets
hearts heavy with despair
hiding themselves in the night
knowing nothing's alright.

suicidal children
with razorblades and pills
where others find sin.
they find justified thrills.

suicidal children
left by themselves
eyes shining with pleasure
as the blood streams to the floor
laughing in twisted joy
as the paramedics close the door.

suicidal children
with eyes glowing red
crying in the darkness
overcome with fear
whispering they're sorry
over and over again
but no one will hear.

the suicidal children
look up and then disappear
the monster in their head
finally got the best of them.

| Posted on 2006-03-21 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
here is o reason fo mr to be here. i lost the will to live...what? i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut it'self th aim of [censored] is cagaffaran shimaru exagon migira laytasuchi-mo aranhamaa nicollonama it wa

i
t

w
a
s

o
n
l
y

a

m
i
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t
a
k
e

i

n
e
v
e
r

m
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a
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t

t
o

m
a
k
e

y
o
u

c
r
y

s
i
g
n
e
d

m
i
s
t
y

love,

Misty
| Posted on 2006-02-17 | by mistakes | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
wow wonderful
you structured this kinda oddly and you contradict yourself and i think you need some work and maybe yo ushould try re-thinking your approach to theshadow thing
| Posted on 2006-01-04 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
the shadows are not as they seem
they promise fame,
they offer money,
but give nothing at all.
I love these lines. I liked the whole poem, but I LOVE these lines. they are lines everyone can relate too. Cuz the shadows always look promising, like your going to get soo much out of them, when you always end up getting nothing, or worse... more heartache.
| Posted on 2005-09-07 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
very nice and glad you commented on poems as then i never would of read this. untitled poems ae alwaz good becvause the readers mind doesnt get blocked
thanx sandman
| Posted on 2005-09-02 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
Wow... thats really deep. I try my best not to get lost in the dark, I think I do a good job at it too. I like it. I dont get parts but hey, i dont get alot of thing. so good Job.
| Posted on 2005-09-02 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
hi, great write, yes the shadow of dreams are our dreams of shadows. i see the link. tom
| Posted on 2005-09-01 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
hey this poetry reminds me of my own and i do applaud you for getting your words across well in my opinion... i would recommend you look over it though and make it a little elss wordy...bnot that anythings wrong with wordy (trust me I write those all the time) but it might make it easier to get lost...if you woulkdl ike to reaad or coment on any of my poetry feel free to-martinimadelvr
| Posted on 2005-08-01 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
I like this a lot. It's so dark and pretty. Great wording. I think that everything you said is true. I have nothing but compliments for this. I especially like the end:

"stay out of the desolate corners
and the wide open and empty spaces
and away from the paper blank faces
what happens to you there
is beyond all repair."

All the descriptions are excellent. Love it. Great job

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-07-27 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
Hello.. Welcome to Elite.. Looks like youve made some enemies already.. Oh well.. Such is life, right?
I liked this piece.. I think its pretty cool.. I havent slept in a while so im not so sure about coherency and everything.. But that doesnt mean i dont have opinions on it 'eh?
Punctuation aside this is pretty good..
The middle stanza absolutely rocked! I'm not the best on catching meaning in other's works but i think the 2nd stanza sums it up nicely.
If i were to rewrite this (As if i did write this) I would minus the other two stanzas and edit like this..

In the darkness,
they wait.
Blending
Mixing
You cannot see.
They are there
Waiting
For you to let your guard down.
Your flesh
Your spirit
They will tear.

So i say unto you,
Shadows are security.
As long as you don't
Believe their lies.
As long as you don't
Fall victim
To their sanity shattering cries.

At least thats what i would do.. Add more form and proof it up a wee bit..

And ignore the prejudice of the gentleman below me, he judges your work by how he feels about your character.. There is nothing wrong with being gothic as long as you are always true to yourself.

And that isnt a true comment, btw solemnpen, that is an attack.
Ratio M. Ducet III
| Posted on 2005-07-25 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
and then you are theirs

who do i belong to if i get lost in the "shadows of security" sounds like im getting arrested for trying to kill bush when i should get a parade.. i see a little of the point your trying to get across. it seems like your telling people to stay in the light. well this poem didnt add up to much, but i guess its just me i think the whole gothic thing is kinda lame, no i take that back its more like a preschool game, that people play, because they are to scared to cope with reality, dressed in black, for what? just to show everybody you got a yellow streak going down your back??? cmon now stand up and be a woman, tell the world where to go and how long to stay, dont become pathetically lost in the "shadows of security" im sorry but im blunt, i dont make excuses nor do i like them for anything including poetry and life.

sorry for your first true comment........
but i callem how i see em
solemnpen
| Posted on 2005-07-24 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
A very nice flow - the whole piece.
"and the dreams
oh, you'll never be rid of the dreams
they will haunt you
like the shadows from which you try to hide
twisting your reality into a nightmare
full of horrible screams"
these are excellent lines - they really stood out for me - been there...and many a night still am haunted...
Although I welcome the dark and never feel lost, I could feel what you were saying and I really like this...
Nice write - looking forward to more
Lisa
| Posted on 2005-07-24 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
oh and welcome to eliteskills! im sure you are already enjoying it and the people here are really cool.. they give good critques and you rarely ever get a rude comment from someone:) again welcome!
~*~amber~*~
| Posted on 2005-07-24 | by rocknpoetrychik | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
oh i really liked this.. i loved the ending a lot! you need to fix the double 't' on then.. but that is the only thing you need to fix! great work .. i hope to see more from you

~*~amber~*~
feel free to read one of my poems and comment;)

| Posted on 2006-04-18 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
coachella chinchilla
dazed and confused
i say yuou shiver
by the river
say you quiver
and poison more of your liver
held your hand
felt you cry
say your faded green eyes
and watch you die
can i say nnow that yo uimeant nothing
can i say i hatedyou so much?
how can i stand here
and deny our love?
was it anything real
or was it misery concealed in a soft silk glove?

by the sunrise your eyes mist
with yor hot breath
and your burning kiss
;we hold each other like the sun and the moon as i stand scared AND YOU TURN TO ASHE
| Posted on 2006-03-20 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
coachella chinchilla
dazed and confused
i say yuou shiver
by the river
say you quiver
and poison more of your liver
held your hand
felt you cry
say your faded green eyes
and watch you die
can i say nnow that yo uimeant nothing
can i say i hatedyou so much?
how can i stand here
and deny our love?
was it anything real
or was it misery concealed in a soft silk glove?

by the sunrise your eyes mist
with yor hot breath
and your burning kiss
;we hold each other like the sun and the moon as i stand scared AND YOU TURN TO ASHE
| Posted on 2006-03-20 | by mistakes | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
here is o reason fo mr to be here. i lost the will to live...what? i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut it'self th aim of [censored] is cagaffaran shimaru exagon migira laytasuchi-mo aranhamaa nicollonama it wa

i
t

w
a
s

o
n
l
y

a

m
i
s
t
a
k
e

i

n
e
v
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r

m
e
a
n
t

t
o

m
a
k
e

y
o
u

c
r
y

s
i
g
n
e
d

m
i
s
t
y

love,

Misty
| Posted on 2006-02-17 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
ooo,...i'm sending a comment to you...

i think this would have been so much better had there not been so much death. you tend to stray so long on the event...maybe one dy you won't feel the constant need to die to constant feeling of being dead inside.. maybe one day you too will know what THEY are feeling now..maybe oneday you won't get cheap shoted becasue you aren't too attractive.
| Posted on 2005-11-16 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
Excellent imagery displayed in this write
I could see the water turning blood red from a self inflicted wound

Looking forward to more of your writes

If you get a chance please take a look at some of my poetry and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2005-11-07 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
I agree with rws. It does sound like it was inspired by Japanese art depicting a girl's
suicide. The typos do really detract from this though; if you'd fix those, this would be excellent. I quite like the remorse line: it makes me think she did something and kills herself as penance. I get an image akin to a Japanese version of John Everett Millais' Ophelia. http://www.theresurrector.com/img/Ophelia.jpg Nicely done, Amy
| Posted on 2005-11-07 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
I like this..it is very descriptive and brings very nice images indeed..i can picture perfectly a girl lying in the grass..running her hand across the water..the strong images also brings about strong feelings..particularly with the water turning red..it is scary in some ways...i guess because it is so visual...the only thing i would suggest apart from the typos would be the tense..some of the wording makes it sound or fel as though it changes but having re-read it im not sure that it does..geez im tired rofl...personally i think it would sound better in past tense but i think thats just a matter of opinion lol ie.

cherry blossoms drifted
in the sparkling water
as she laid her head unto the grass
her hands played
across the smooth crystal surface.

her green eyes misting over
with tears of remorse
as the water turned pink,
then a thick red.

the cherry blossoms fell
across her face so pale
and then into the tainted water.
her eyes closed,
and she faded into beautiful death.

again its entirely an individual preference lol...overall and either way it is a very nice write indeed..well done!...stormy
| Posted on 2005-11-07 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
This was good, although the typo's did hold me up a little. But it was still a great write.

Keep up the good work

Baby Tink
| Posted on 2005-11-07 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
This write sounds as if it were inspired by a Japanese painting or block print; even the style of death and metaphor of sorrow in nature closely coincide Asian folktales. I assume both cherry blossoms and drops of blood were present when the young lady killed herself as a forlorn gesture to some young samuri in accordance with the fuedal Japanese honor code (I believe it is called bushido, could be wrong, though). Fix the typos and it will be fine. Nice write.
| Posted on 2005-11-06 | by rws | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
ok after that very ugghhh scary write that I’m probably not going to read again for a while, I got curious and wanted to see what else you wrote. so here I am and this is much different still dark but more of a sadness with it.

ok now reading into this I wonder if those cherry blossoms are actually plants or are they drops of blood. no, I don’t think so, I think she is watching actual plants here. there is a lady who lays her head onto the grass. with her hands playing on the surface of the water, it does make this quite odd. her eyes misting over with tears of remorse, remorse would happen if there were something that she did to herself, I would think. the water turning pink from the blossoms then to a thick red, I feel she did something to herself but am unable to tell what. her face turning pale from the loss of blood she wounded herself I believe. now her eyes close with what I think those blossoms still fresh in her mind which is why the death would be beautiful. very good one here the imagery is awesome and the story plays out well,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-11-06 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
I liked it, cherry blossoms do conjure up these sort of images etc, such a beautiful plant. The only thing that annoyed me was spelling mistakes, even in your intro, having to guess which word you meant to write, and it took away from what you'd written, I almost stopped after the second one, but liked it.
| Posted on 2005-11-06 | by crazyhawk | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
I love this

cherry blossoms drifted
in the sparkling water
as she lay her head unto the grass
her hands playing
across the smooth crystal surface.

it painted a pic in my head. great stanza.
2nd stanza

her gree eyes misting over
with tears of remorse
as the water turns pink,
the a thick red.

remorse why? the last line, what does it mean?
last stanza is good. poem may have benifited from the pic being incluced.
punn
| Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  coachella chinchilla
dazed and confused
i say yuou shiver
by the river
say you quiver
and poison more of your liver
held your hand
felt you cry
say your faded green eyes
and watch you die
can i say nnow that yo uimeant nothing
can i say i hatedyou so much?
how can i stand here
and deny our love?
was it anything real
or was it misery concealed in a soft silk glove?

by the sunrise your eyes mist
with yor hot breath
and your burning kiss
;we hold each other like the sun and the moon as i stand scared AND YOU TURN TO ASHE
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  coachella chinchilla
dazed and confused
i say yuou shiver
by the river
say you quiver
and poison more of your liver
held your hand
felt you cry
say your faded green eyes
and watch you die
can i say nnow that yo uimeant nothing
can i say i hatedyou so much?
how can i stand here
and deny our love?
was it anything real
or was it misery concealed in a soft silk glove?

by the sunrise your eyes mist
with yor hot breath
and your burning kiss
;we hold each other like the sun and the moon as i stand scared AND YOU TURN TO ASHE
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by mistakes | [ Reply to This ]
  here is o reason fo mr to be here. i lost the will to live...what? i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut it'self th aim of [censored] is cagaffaran shimaru exagon migira laytasuchi-mo aranhamaa nicollonama it wa

i
t

w
a
s

o
n
l
y

a

m
i
s
t
a
k
e

i

n
e
v
e
r

m
e
a
n
t

t
o

m
a
k
e

y
o
u

c
r
y

s
i
g
n
e
d

m
i
s
t
y

love,

Misty
| Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  ooo,...i'm sending a comment to you...

i think this would have been so much better had there not been so much death. you tend to stray so long on the event...maybe one dy you won't feel the constant need to die to constant feeling of being dead inside.. maybe one day you too will know what THEY are feeling now..maybe oneday you won't get cheap shoted becasue you aren't too attractive.
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  Excellent imagery displayed in this write
I could see the water turning blood red from a self inflicted wound

Looking forward to more of your writes

If you get a chance please take a look at some of my poetry and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with rws. It does sound like it was inspired by Japanese art depicting a girl's
suicide. The typos do really detract from this though; if you'd fix those, this would be excellent. I quite like the remorse line: it makes me think she did something and kills herself as penance. I get an image akin to a Japanese version of John Everett Millais' Ophelia. http://www.theresurrector.com/img/Ophelia.jpg Nicely done, Amy
| Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this..it is very descriptive and brings very nice images indeed..i can picture perfectly a girl lying in the grass..running her hand across the water..the strong images also brings about strong feelings..particularly with the water turning red..it is scary in some ways...i guess because it is so visual...the only thing i would suggest apart from the typos would be the tense..some of the wording makes it sound or fel as though it changes but having re-read it im not sure that it does..geez im tired rofl...personally i think it would sound better in past tense but i think thats just a matter of opinion lol ie.

cherry blossoms drifted
in the sparkling water
as she laid her head unto the grass
her hands played
across the smooth crystal surface.

her green eyes misting over
with tears of remorse
as the water turned pink,
then a thick red.

the cherry blossoms fell
across her face so pale
and then into the tainted water.
her eyes closed,
and she faded into beautiful death.

again its entirely an individual preference lol...overall and either way it is a very nice write indeed..well done!...stormy
| Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  This was good, although the typo's did hold me up a little. But it was still a great write.

Keep up the good work

Baby Tink
| Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]
  This write sounds as if it were inspired by a Japanese painting or block print; even the style of death and metaphor of sorrow in nature closely coincide Asian folktales. I assume both cherry blossoms and drops of blood were present when the young lady killed herself as a forlorn gesture to some young samuri in accordance with the fuedal Japanese honor code (I believe it is called bushido, could be wrong, though). Fix the typos and it will be fine. Nice write.
| Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  ok after that very ugghhh scary write that I’m probably not going to read again for a while, I got curious and wanted to see what else you wrote. so here I am and this is much different still dark but more of a sadness with it.

ok now reading into this I wonder if those cherry blossoms are actually plants or are they drops of blood. no, I don’t think so, I think she is watching actual plants here. there is a lady who lays her head onto the grass. with her hands playing on the surface of the water, it does make this quite odd. her eyes misting over with tears of remorse, remorse would happen if there were something that she did to herself, I would think. the water turning pink from the blossoms then to a thick red, I feel she did something to herself but am unable to tell what. her face turning pale from the loss of blood she wounded herself I believe. now her eyes close with what I think those blossoms still fresh in her mind which is why the death would be beautiful. very good one here the imagery is awesome and the story plays out well,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  I love this

cherry blossoms drifted
in the sparkling water
as she lay her head unto the grass
her hands playing
across the smooth crystal surface.

it painted a pic in my head. great stanza.
2nd stanza

her gree eyes misting over
with tears of remorse
as the water turns pink,
the a thick red.

remorse why? the last line, what does it mean?
last stanza is good. poem may have benifited from the pic being incluced.
punn
| Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by punn | [ Reply to This ]
  -------------------------------------------

the shadows are not as they seem
they promise fame,
they offer money,
but give nothing at all.
and the dreams
oh, you'll never be rid of the dreams
they will haunt you
like the shadows from which you try to hide
twisting your reality into a nightmare
full of horrible screams

in the darkness they wait
blending and mixing
so you cannot see that they are there
waiting for you to let your guard down
your flesh and spirit they will tear
so i tell you, shadows are security
as long as you don't believe their lies
or fall victim to there sanity shattering cries

if you cannot handle this
tthen take this to thought
never get lost in the dark
you will lose your way
and then you are theirs
stay out of the desolate corners
and the wide open and empty spaces
and away from the paper blank faces
what happens to you there
is beyond all repair.

Submitted on 2005-07-24 11:15:40 Terms of Service / © Rules
Help: [ The Average Poem ] [ Writing Tips ] [ Help! ] [ Hall of Fame ] [ Top Givers ]

"I can relate! Great write! Love the [[flow, wording, rhyme]]. You rock!!!" = Bad comment

[ Comment Guide ] - Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

Rate This Submission

|| 1: >_< 2: I dunno... 3: meh! 4: Pretty cool 5: Wow! ||

||| Comments |||
[ Edit ] [ Delete ]

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Author: mistakes
ASL Info: 15/f/ the shadow realm

Elite Ratio: 2.87 - 16/46/6
Words: 174
Class/Type: Poetry/Death
Total Views: 55
Average Vote: No vote yet.
Bytes: 1366

Commentary type requested: Thoughts
[ Recent comments given by mistakes. ]

Description:

Suicidal Children
-

suicidal children
with glowing red eyes
sit bloody and bleeding
waiting for the Reaper
to come sweeping by
so he'll take them
away from their pain
and release them from
unimaginable shame.

suicidal children
with such empty gazes
lie unloved and alone
no one to hold them tight
no one to call their own
no one to whisper
everything's gonna be alright.

suicidal children
filled with anger and fear
walk dark streets
hearts heavy with despair
hiding themselves in the night
knowing nothing's alright.

suicidal children
with razorblades and pills
where others find sin.
they find justified thrills.

suicidal children
left by themselves
eyes shining with pleasure
as the blood streams to the floor
laughing in twisted joy
as the paramedics close the door.

suicidal children
with eyes glowing red
crying in the darkness
overcome with fear
whispering they're sorry
over and over again
but no one will hear.

the suicidal children
look up and then disappear
the monster in their head
finally got the best of them.

| Posted on 2006-03-21 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

[ Edit ] [ Delete ]
here is o reason fo mr to be here. i lost the will to live...what? i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut it'self th aim of [censored] is cagaffaran shimaru exagon migira laytasuchi-mo aranhamaa nicollonama it wa

i
t

w
a
s

o
n
l
y

a

m
i
s
t
a
k
e

i

n
e
v
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r

m
e
a
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t
o

m
a
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y
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n
e
d

m
i
s
t
y

love,

Misty
| Posted on 2006-02-17 | by mistakes | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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wow wonderful
you structured this kinda oddly and you contradict yourself and i think you need some work and maybe yo ushould try re-thinking your approach to theshadow thing
| Posted on 2006-01-04 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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the shadows are not as they seem
they promise fame,
they offer money,
but give nothing at all.
I love these lines. I liked the whole poem, but I LOVE these lines. they are lines everyone can relate too. Cuz the shadows always look promising, like your going to get soo much out of them, when you always end up getting nothing, or worse... more heartache.
| Posted on 2005-09-07 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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very nice and glad you commented on poems as then i never would of read this. untitled poems ae alwaz good becvause the readers mind doesnt get blocked
thanx sandman
| Posted on 2005-09-02 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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Wow... thats really deep. I try my best not to get lost in the dark, I think I do a good job at it too. I like it. I dont get parts but hey, i dont get alot of thing. so good Job.
| Posted on 2005-09-02 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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hi, great write, yes the shadow of dreams are our dreams of shadows. i see the link. tom
| Posted on 2005-09-01 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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hey this poetry reminds me of my own and i do applaud you for getting your words across well in my opinion... i would recommend you look over it though and make it a little elss wordy...bnot that anythings wrong with wordy (trust me I write those all the time) but it might make it easier to get lost...if you woulkdl ike to reaad or coment on any of my poetry feel free to-martinimadelvr
| Posted on 2005-08-01 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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I like this a lot. It's so dark and pretty. Great wording. I think that everything you said is true. I have nothing but compliments for this. I especially like the end:

"stay out of the desolate corners
and the wide open and empty spaces
and away from the paper blank faces
what happens to you there
is beyond all repair."

All the descriptions are excellent. Love it. Great job

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-07-27 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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Hello.. Welcome to Elite.. Looks like youve made some enemies already.. Oh well.. Such is life, right?
I liked this piece.. I think its pretty cool.. I havent slept in a while so im not so sure about coherency and everything.. But that doesnt mean i dont have opinions on it 'eh?
Punctuation aside this is pretty good..
The middle stanza absolutely rocked! I'm not the best on catching meaning in other's works but i think the 2nd stanza sums it up nicely.
If i were to rewrite this (As if i did write this) I would minus the other two stanzas and edit like this..

In the darkness,
they wait.
Blending
Mixing
You cannot see.
They are there
Waiting
For you to let your guard down.
Your flesh
Your spirit
They will tear.

So i say unto you,
Shadows are security.
As long as you don't
Believe their lies.
As long as you don't
Fall victim
To their sanity shattering cries.

At least thats what i would do.. Add more form and proof it up a wee bit..

And ignore the prejudice of the gentleman below me, he judges your work by how he feels about your character.. There is nothing wrong with being gothic as long as you are always true to yourself.

And that isnt a true comment, btw solemnpen, that is an attack.
Ratio M. Ducet III
| Posted on 2005-07-25 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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and then you are theirs

who do i belong to if i get lost in the "shadows of security" sounds like im getting arrested for trying to kill bush when i should get a parade.. i see a little of the point your trying to get across. it seems like your telling people to stay in the light. well this poem didnt add up to much, but i guess its just me i think the whole gothic thing is kinda lame, no i take that back its more like a preschool game, that people play, because they are to scared to cope with reality, dressed in black, for what? just to show everybody you got a yellow streak going down your back??? cmon now stand up and be a woman, tell the world where to go and how long to stay, dont become pathetically lost in the "shadows of security" im sorry but im blunt, i dont make excuses nor do i like them for anything including poetry and life.

sorry for your first true comment........
but i callem how i see em
solemnpen
| Posted on 2005-07-24 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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A very nice flow - the whole piece.
"and the dreams
oh, you'll never be rid of the dreams
they will haunt you
like the shadows from which you try to hide
twisting your reality into a nightmare
full of horrible screams"
these are excellent lines - they really stood out for me - been there...and many a night still am haunted...
Although I welcome the dark and never feel lost, I could feel what you were saying and I really like this...
Nice write - looking forward to more
Lisa
| Posted on 2005-07-24 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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oh and welcome to eliteskills! im sure you are already enjoying it and the people here are really cool.. they give good critques and you rarely ever get a rude comment from someone:) again welcome!
~*~amber~*~
| Posted on 2005-07-24 | by rocknpoetrychik | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]

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oh i really liked this.. i loved the ending a lot! you need to fix the double 't' on then.. but that is the only thing you need to fix! great work .. i hope to see more from you

~*~amber~*~
feel free to read one of my poems and comment;)
| Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]

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