The Piper's Song -------------------------------------------
Listen to the Piper's song
While you hide inside
Hiding from the childs face
That you know has lied
One by one the children come
Marching towards the door
Following the piper boy
Who comes to settle a score
Covering your ears you try
To block out his hateful song
No matter what it doesn't help
Because you know he isn't wrong
One by one the children come
Marching towards the door
Following the piper boy
Who will soon settle this score
Wanting you to follow him
Upon this fateful day
You've told him no once before
But he never stays away
One by one the children come
Marching towards the door
Following the piper boy
Who is here once more
Looking up into his eyes
You realize this life is done
Taking his outstreched hand
You know he's finally won
One by one the children go
Marching through the door
Dancing with the piper boy
Who has captured you once more
Listen to the Piper's song
Serenading death
This is where we all belong
After our last breath
Yeah its a lot better this way,see because it was in four line stanzas it made it seem like it HAD to flow perfectly,but this way the lines aren't as restricted,when I mentioned there not being enough syllables last time it was only because of the way it was arranged,it looks fine like this now though so great job.
I had a poem kind of like this were it was in four line stanzas and it just didn't work so I changed it and it somehow seemed to flow better so thats kind of made me not like the style,and loads of other poets use it so your work looks more original if you avoid it.
But its all a matter of opinion I guess...though I do think you've definitely changed this for the better and I like it a lot more now myself.
Another thing I wasn't sure I commended you on was that the words you chose to rhythm were good,as the person below said they hate rhyming poetry but this was good...thats because you picked good words to ryhme so kudos on that too.
Anyways yeah...this is much improved I like it:-)
-Craig
PS the lines themselves are fine as they are too...
This is a good piece but it would be even better if you were to ditch the four-line stanzas because it makes any kind of rythming sound forced.I mean its not even the vocab you use,as that was quite okay its just that style that drags work down a little,(I think anyway).I also thought that if you did want to use this style it could use some more syllables in certain lines to help it flow a tad better.
All the same though I did like it,it was a nice take on the pied piper of hamilton (think thats how you spell it) story.
It had some nice touches like I thought it was different the way you referred to the piper as a boy rather than an adult.Because of this the poem is much more open to metaphors and the like,is the piper a metaphor for some guy getting girls pregnant,or seducing them etc...theres a load of meaning you could take from it and I enjoyed that.Also,even if there was no deeper meaning it was still unique enough to be worthwhile I think.
So yeah,good work over-all even if you don't make any changes itll still be a very enjoyable piece:-)
Wow. This is really good Betsy. Many kudos to you. I giggled a little bit at the typo in the second stanza(followiing), but this is wonderful. I'm going to favorite this okay? I hate rhyming poetry, but this is that good. Keep it up ya?
Submission Name: The Piper's Song
