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    dots Submission Name: The Piper's Songdots

    Author: BrokenAngel
    ASL Info:    21/F/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 179/157/47
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1230


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Piper's Songdots

    Listen to the Piper's song
    While you hide inside
    Hiding from the childs face
    That you know has lied
    One by one the children come
    Marching towards the door
    Following the piper boy
    Who comes to settle a score
    Covering your ears you try
    To block out his hateful song
    No matter what it doesn't help
    Because you know he isn't wrong
    One by one the children come
    Marching towards the door
    Following the piper boy
    Who will soon settle this score
    Wanting you to follow him
    Upon this fateful day
    You've told him no once before
    But he never stays away
    One by one the children come
    Marching towards the door
    Following the piper boy
    Who is here once more
    Looking up into his eyes
    You realize this life is done
    Taking his outstreched hand
    You know he's finally won
    One by one the children go
    Marching through the door
    Dancing with the piper boy
    Who has captured you once more
    Listen to the Piper's song
    Serenading death
    This is where we all belong
    After our last breath

    Submitted on 2005-11-07 14:11:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Yeah its a lot better this way,see because it was in four line stanzas it made it seem like it HAD to flow perfectly,but this way the lines aren't as restricted,when I mentioned there not being enough syllables last time it was only because of the way it was arranged,it looks fine like this now though so great job.

    I had a poem kind of like this were it was in four line stanzas and it just didn't work so I changed it and it somehow seemed to flow better so thats kind of made me not like the style,and loads of other poets use it so your work looks more original if you avoid it.

    But its all a matter of opinion I guess...though I do think you've definitely changed this for the better and I like it a lot more now myself.

    Another thing I wasn't sure I commended you on was that the words you chose to rhythm were good,as the person below said they hate rhyming poetry but this was good...thats because you picked good words to ryhme so kudos on that too.

    Anyways yeah...this is much improved I like it:-)


    PS the lines themselves are fine as they are too...
    | Posted on 2007-05-15 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good piece but it would be even better if you were to ditch the four-line stanzas because it makes any kind of rythming sound forced.I mean its not even the vocab you use,as that was quite okay its just that style that drags work down a little,(I think anyway).I also thought that if you did want to use this style it could use some more syllables in certain lines to help it flow a tad better.

    All the same though I did like it,it was a nice take on the pied piper of hamilton (think thats how you spell it) story.

    It had some nice touches like I thought it was different the way you referred to the piper as a boy rather than an adult.Because of this the poem is much more open to metaphors and the like,is the piper a metaphor for some guy getting girls pregnant,or seducing them etc...theres a load of meaning you could take from it and I enjoyed that.Also,even if there was no deeper meaning it was still unique enough to be worthwhile I think.

    So yeah,good work over-all even if you don't make any changes itll still be a very enjoyable piece:-)

    | Posted on 2007-05-14 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This is really good Betsy. Many kudos to you. I giggled a little bit at the typo in the second stanza(followiing), but this is wonderful. I'm going to favorite this okay? I hate rhyming poetry, but this is that good. Keep it up ya?
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]

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