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    dots Submission Name: WIld Dancingdots

    Author: akaietowa-ru_18
    ASL Info:    20/F/Belly of the Beast
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 101/125/64
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 960
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 758

       I don't know why I wrote this....
    Must of been cause of Rob Zombie's Dragula!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWIld Dancingdots

    Burning with the desire,
    dancing to the sweet blood.
    The thumping throughout my body.

    The music blasts
    I dance.
    Down and down
    I go and go.

    My body is heating
    Heating with the desire for more.
    I dance with the sadistic melodies.

    Bloody nights like this
    I just love to sway.
    My hair flaying this way and that way.

    Lower and lower I go
    Not until the bottom I get back up
    then I go at it again to the down.

    The deathly lyrics
    ringing through my senses
    The sweet tangy taste
    of death coated to the words.

    I go and go,
    Just going wild,
    with the sweet temptation.

    Submitted on 2005-11-07 17:33:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Nicely written takes me back a couple of years. Parenthood drives the wild nights out of you after a while and they become less and less and also it hurts to much.
    My critiques: forth stanza could read better I think
    'Bloody nights like these
    I just love to sway.
    My hair flaying this way and that'
    and as said below flaying could be changed but to what I don't know.

    and stanzas two and six could be shortened to three lines to keep the rythm, but these are minor things.

    Enjoyed reading
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, the title sucked me right in. I sometimes measure the talent of a writer to put movement, whether dance, a stroll or an absence of movement, into writing. You've done a wonderful job of this, so bravo for that;)

    A groovy tone and pace runs solidly through this piece, and I was captivated by looking to where it was going.

    Great use of repetition with "I go and go." I was going to critique it's initial use till I finished and saw the wrap in your close. Great job!

    The only real 'eh' moment I had with your descriptions was using 'flaying' as a movement indicator for your hair in the 4th stanza. I think there are stronger words that will fit the metaphor in a better sense.

    "The sweet tangy taste
    of death coated to the words."

    Groovy line;)


    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      wow I loved this one. your imagry was truely admired. My favorite part of it was the last two stanzas...so much imagry...sick desires This was very very well written. I loved the end it just put everything together "with sweet temptation" 3 words said all they needed to for this one and you went so deep. very cool inspiration to...Rob vombie overall great write. I might suggest trying some kind of ryhming scheme just because a few parts didn't flow as well as the could have but I think your choice of words and not too long lines took away from that enough for it not to be all that important. this was all in all a wicked read thanks for posting it. hope to read more from you soon. keep writing.
    take caer,
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]

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