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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: WIld Dancingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: akaietowa-ru_18
    ASL Info:    20/F/Belly of the Beast
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 101/125/64
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 831
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 758



    Description:
       I don't know why I wrote this....
    Must of been cause of Rob Zombie's Dragula!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWIld Dancingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Burning with the desire,
    dancing to the sweet blood.
    The thumping throughout my body.

    The music blasts
    I dance.
    Down and down
    I go and go.

    My body is heating
    Heating with the desire for more.
    I dance with the sadistic melodies.

    Bloody nights like this
    I just love to sway.
    My hair flaying this way and that way.

    Lower and lower I go
    Not until the bottom I get back up
    then I go at it again to the down.

    The deathly lyrics
    ringing through my senses
    The sweet tangy taste
    of death coated to the words.

    I go and go,
    Just going wild,
    with the sweet temptation.




    Submitted on 2005-11-07 17:33:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nicely written takes me back a couple of years. Parenthood drives the wild nights out of you after a while and they become less and less and also it hurts to much.
    My critiques: forth stanza could read better I think
    'Bloody nights like these
    I just love to sway.
    My hair flaying this way and that'
    and as said below flaying could be changed but to what I don't know.

    and stanzas two and six could be shortened to three lines to keep the rythm, but these are minor things.

    Enjoyed reading
    V
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, the title sucked me right in. I sometimes measure the talent of a writer to put movement, whether dance, a stroll or an absence of movement, into writing. You've done a wonderful job of this, so bravo for that;)

    A groovy tone and pace runs solidly through this piece, and I was captivated by looking to where it was going.

    Great use of repetition with "I go and go." I was going to critique it's initial use till I finished and saw the wrap in your close. Great job!

    The only real 'eh' moment I had with your descriptions was using 'flaying' as a movement indicator for your hair in the 4th stanza. I think there are stronger words that will fit the metaphor in a better sense.

    "The sweet tangy taste
    of death coated to the words."

    Groovy line;)

    Cheers!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      wow I loved this one. your imagry was truely admired. My favorite part of it was the last two stanzas...so much imagry...sick desires This was very very well written. I loved the end it just put everything together "with sweet temptation" 3 words said all they needed to for this one and you went so deep. very cool inspiration to...Rob vombie overall great write. I might suggest trying some kind of ryhming scheme just because a few parts didn't flow as well as the could have but I think your choice of words and not too long lines took away from that enough for it not to be all that important. this was all in all a wicked read thanks for posting it. hope to read more from you soon. keep writing.
    take caer,
    Peace
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]


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