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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On a Stardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Archer
    ASL Info:    17/female/Oregon
    Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 118/148/53
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 983
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1134



    Description:
       I wrote this in third person at four in the morning last night
    let me know what you think, though four in the morning may be a good time to start writing lol..
    ttyl
    love and ligh t
    Archer


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn a Stardots
    -------------------------------------------


    Slowly eyes down cast,
    a tear trickles unseen from sad blue eyes.
    Lying awake in the soft caress of a pillow,
    she loses control.
    Eyes misting over she sobs.
    Bitter, crystal tears fall in to the darkness.
    Loneliness, when had you become a part of her?
    Taking away the smile in her eyes,
    the joy in her heart.
    Lying alone she wishes again, as she has every night for years
    that it would send her the one true love she so desperately needs.
    Rocking the depths of reason her
    body has gone numb, still feeling bitter,
    hate covered hands touch her,
    screaming for it to end.
    Her sobs slowly subside as she
    falls asleep, the last thought on her mind lingering in the abyss of pain.
    "Why am I alone? Why wont the stars grant my wish for love? Why... why do my
    tears never dry up?"
    She wants to love again, to feel not so numb, but her bruised, battered, and cracked heart wont awake
    from it's healing slumber.
    So still she cries and wishes for him...
    On a Star




    Submitted on 2005-11-07 18:09:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You have so much passion! I love it. I agree with Jeremy, the part about :
    She wants to love again, to feel not so numb, but her bruised, battered, and cracked heart won't awake from it's healing slumber
    Is amazing. Even though I have not actually been in love, I have still had my share of heart breaks. As you know, it is hard for me to approach guys. And I think that that is because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe we can help each other.
    Love ya babe!
    Alicia
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Spiderwebb123 | [ Reply to This ]
      You have so much passion! I love it. I agree with Jeremy, the part about :
    She wants to love again, to feel not so numb, but her bruised, battered, and cracked heart won't awake from it's healing slumber
    Is amazing. Even though I have not actually been in love, I have still had my share of heart breaks. As you know, it is hard for me to approach guys. And I think that that is because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe we can help each other.
    Love ya babe!
    Alicia
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Spiderwebb123 | [ Reply to This ]
      You have so much passion! I love it. I agree with Jeremy, the part about :
    She wants to love again, to feel not so numb, but her bruised, battered, and cracked heart won't awake from it's healing slumber
    Is amazing. Even though I have not actually been in love, I have still had my share of heart breaks. As you know, it is hard for me to approach guys. And I think that that is because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe we can help each other.
    Love ya babe!
    Alicia
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Spiderwebb123 | [ Reply to This ]
      beginning note: I have grown weary of being influenced by others comments so if anything is repeated ideas and corrections I do apologize. I am doing this blind.

    I do like that usage “downcast” it reminds me of God in the scripture asking Cain “why is thy countenance downcast?” (paraphrase of course I’m not 100 percent sure of its accuracy) starting with a single tear only to read on more tears, I do like how that is set up. “Lieing” change to “lying” the “soft caress” very good again, detailed. a light personification with the pillow itself. I the fourth line “controle” you might want to change that to “control” the “eyes misting” excellent, I like that a lot. now I would give you lengthy detail explanations on these things I have said I like but they are pretty much self explanatory expressions. except on the next line, line 6 the usage of crystal tears. I had a similar instance where I had to look up that word to clarify it for me. to have a better grasp it. (this is what a liberal amount of drugs will do to you) so I found out crystal to be understanding. so I posted my findings, only to think much later haven’t I ever heard the term “crystal clear”? I feel rather dumb that didn’t occur to me at the time. anyhow crystal here in its deeper meaning could apply but it can also be just beauty in verse. on line 7 change “lonleyness” to “loneliness” awww that is very lovely that verse “taking away the smile in her eyes” so touching. ok on line “lieing” again change to “lying” waiting for that one true love {my connection} don’t we all? even those who are in relationships wonder am I with the “right” person, that true love serves as a double edged sword really it undermines love itself and damages relationships in many cases. just a thought. “rocking the depths of reason” that is killer there, just how it hit me. I don’t know fully what it means but I don’t care, it sounds pretty darn good. rocking let’s see to cradle maybe to jolt.. hmm breaking out thesaurus rock: vibrate, jolt, reel, totter, swing, move, push, push/pull, agitate, shake, shove, jiggle (ha ha jiggle), quake convulse etc hmm ill take jolt or shake, works for me hmm now why didn’t I just think of something like “rock you world?” see? that is what I am talking about get so blindsided sometimes. ok moving on here…14th line you have “coverd” change to “covered” ooooooo I really like this next one a lot “mind lingering in the abyss of pain” that kicks major butt there! kudos for that one. ok on this lines where you have the two questions. I would separate those into their own lines it just looks better though perhaps you or others may not agree. on the last night the closing line is very nice to wrap it up especially since it goes with the title.

    overall:you have used many language usages that I love. some are very original as far as I can tell. it had a not as much depth at first but as I read on it became better and better for me in depth. very nice piece,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's always a true blessing to find a new poet that I enjoy reading, I'll admit I'm somewhat picky, but this poem has really resounded with me, and I believe I've found a new artist to follow ;)
    I love this poem, it puts into words what I've been feeling for what seems like an eternity. I'm known as the cheery, happy-go-lucky girl, always bubbly and upbeat. But lately I've been so lonely, I always go to bed crying, though not so much over wishing for my true love. I have a best friend (a guy) who I've always told everything, and I cherish more than just about anyone else in the world, but lately he's kind of drifted away and seems too busy to make time for me. This is so passionate and emotional, I love the painted details. I'm in a block lately, and this poem beautifically expressed that which I've so been struggling with. A definite favorite of mine, and an absolutely stunning write! Looking forward to seeing more of your talent :)
    ~Jen~
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Jengrr | [ Reply to This ]
      She wants to love again, to feel not so numb, but her bruised, battered, and cracked heart wont awake
    from it's healing slumber

    love that part, so true, I feel you on this one. If you get time scan all my writings and you'll see alote of them are like this one you wrote and from reading this poem I know how deep this write goes and you worded it as best as it could be. I felt every word. If you write deep like this, you'll feel mine as well.

    Good, good job, this is going to my fav.

    Look for this poem by one of my fav poets on this site, you'll like it as I did.



    In the House of Selfishness by charmedidentity



    good eork.
    jeremy
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Archer,

    Jeremy asked me to check this piece out because he thought it was worth reading and so knowing him for such a long time and knowing his tastes, i went and looked at this piece. To be honest, I am impressed by the deepness behind those words. Very simple words, but the intensity behind it surprised me with contrasting feelings. It's very hard for me to think of the words you used and the emotions you used together. But the outcome is terrific. Truly am impressed.

    The one thing that did upset me was your lack of interest in the vocab and the format of the work itself. you mispelt certain words and writing the whole thing straight up just like that without any construction to it seems more like you were in deep thoughts and you just wanted to write it down instead of thinking throughout and wondering what is the best way to being out the beauty of it- how it should be portrayed, how it should be read and how it should be understood. I just thought that by reading this things straight through made little sense. You didn't really have a pattern behind this piece...you just tried to put your thoughts in and send it to everyone.

    Just my opinion though.

    About the idea itself, i believe a lot of people feel this way and they definitively can relate to this. Wondering if they could find love again yet somehow it's not really coming anytime soon yet still, every night, they just look out the window or somewhere where the sky is open and pray on their lucky stars to bring to them this love they have been waiting for. That sucks...I'm lucky i got my love with me and i won't do anything to destroy this passions we got for each other.

    It's deep. Overall, I had great joy reading this although i did find some problems with your work. I did find that you could of elaborated on certain issues but in the end, i find it's good just the way it is.

    I'm looking forward for reading more of your work. It's indeed inspirational and worth reading. Thanks for sharing.

    Take care...
    Irina
    | Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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