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    dots Submission Name: Angels' Tearsdots

    Author: Metal Heart74
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 72/61/17
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1341
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1019

       idea just came listening to music

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAngels' Tearsdots

    A clap of thunder and
    Pouring rain,
    are unable to extinguish this flame.
    It was small at first, but was allowed to grow.
    The origins of which
    the bearer doesn't know.

    A deep wound, that will not mend.
    A painful ache when made to bend.

    Never to be seen
    by her true love again.

    Condemmed to a life of pain.
    Exiled, through a path of sorrow,
    that meets it's end at a wall of earth
    six feet thick. And capped with a large stone.

    The memories fade
    with each passing day.
    But not for one,
    he will always stay

    full of regret.
    but he does not forget.

    His world turns green, red, and white.
    But her place never leaves his sights

    The rain is strong, but calms his fears, because he knows he's sheltered,
    by angels' tears.

    Submitted on 2005-11-07 18:18:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      What I like about this piece is that the emotions are more clearly expressed than most people usually express themselves. The emotions and ideas that you are feeling are extremely visible, and leaving you nearly barren to the public.

    On the other hand, when you take a closer look at some of the actual content of the piece, you find the words to be overly simplistic, and somewhat childish. These feel to be ideas that a young child might come up with, expressed in a bigger person's body. I love the way that the emotions are there, but you need to do something about the imagery. You are not five, and you need to show and express that in the writing. Use some of the more expressive words, that I am sure you know.

    Another thing that gives it that childish feel is that you rhyme your lines. I do not know whether or not that was intentional, but either way, in this poem, it is incredibly distracting, and quite detrimental to the flow of the piece. Like I have already said, it works fine in a piece of poetry written by a young child, but not by someone older. You need to go back and mature out the content. It is a decent beginning, with a great title, but now you just need to make the piece live up to its title.

    I am sorry to come across overly harsh, but you have a long way to go, and a lot of potential, and I would hate to see that potential wasted. Good luck!

    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      woah, this is cool, ya i write my poetry while listening to music, its like an influence but also calms the mind to think up brilliant ideas and words that flow, ur poem as an example

    rhyming is usually clichéd but it is totally not the case here, the title eclipsed my mind to wanna look at the poem, and im glad i did, its a really good one.

    full of regret.
    but he does not forget.

    those lines, tho short, say a lot, i like it. it brings you farther into the meaning of the poem.

    these lines kinda kinda made me pause:
    His world turns green, red, and white.
    But her place never leaves his sights

    If u can, please tell me what that means, it probably is obvious but went right over my head

    otherwise, this poem is beautiful, yet sad, but is a great piece of work!

    ~Midnight Shadow~
    | Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by Midnight Shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Did you find it hard trying to find words that rhyme? I always have that problem... Anyways, I really liked this. This was pretty good. Maybe you should keep listening to your music. There was one line that stood out to me, especially due to recent events, and it was: "A deep wound, that will not mend." That was awesome. I can't wait to read more of your stuff.

    | Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by DeadValentine | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really pretty poem. Welcome to EliteSkills - keep on writing, you have talent! I did notice one misspelled word in here:
    remosresful = remorseful
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]

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