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Author: jermwerm
ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203 /268 /83
Words: 50
Class/Type: Deep Thought /I am dead inside
Total Views: 1477
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 347



Description:




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Amazon dawns,
whispers they draw.
Jesters of knowlaged quotes,
freedom to pawn.

Seasonal feelings.
presented with blame.
No visions inprisoned,
decsended december shame.

Fearfulled our hope,
demons we sigh.
Only our wasted crime,
only to die.




Submitted on 2005-11-07 21:08:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  hello,
i think that the first thing that you should perhaps look at are the following:

'Amazon dawns, [is there a need for a comma here?]
whispers they draw. [the full stop seems to stop the sentence before it has started]
Jesters of knowlaged quotes, [i am not aware of the word knowlaged, or even knowledged, perhaps knowledgable?] [again the comma seems to stifle the line]
freedom to pawn.

Seasonal feelings. [the full stop makes the poem start to read a little like a list]
presented with blame. [again here]
No visions inprisoned, [again the comma here] [spelling of imprisoned]
decsended december shame. [perhaps too many syllables and a bit of a mouthful within the context of your other short lines?]

Fearfulled our hope, [not aware of the word fearfulled, perhaps if it is not a word you might want to find an alternative?] [repetition of comma]
demons we sigh.
Only our wasted crime,
only to die.


i think that this should be looked at before anything else, as it seems to detract form your diction.

be well
on1eday
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  i reallly liked this pice.. it reminded me of a fary tale for some reason.. i know i am weird but hey it's fine lol
i love how short simple and sweet this peice is and how utterly blunt and visual it is as well
wonderful job my friend wonderful job
love and light
Archer
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by Archer | [ Reply to This ]
  "Fearfulled our hope,
demons we sigh.
Only our wasted crime,
only to die..." amazingly dark and although not intenional it seems almost hopeful of not just death but of love also... maybe thats just my imagination getting carried away though

But when you speak of "Amazon dawns,
whispers they draw."... it seems as though you can almost smell the rising of the dawn whithin the misty amazon... like I said almost painfully hopeful of maybe not love but contentment... Ok Im just going to stop beacause I am porobably missinterpeting your piece here

I liked it though a lot

Hugs,
Ella
| Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]


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