Baltimore Melancholy by Poly Jean

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Submission Name: Baltimore Melancholy dots

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Author:	Poly Jean
ASL Info:	31/f/FarAway
Elite Ratio:	4.46 - 382/259/68
Words:	148

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	382
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1021

Description:

Baltimore Melancholy dots

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Blue light from a blue screen
Spread across the room
Baltimore melancholy, unseen haze
For my inner sight only.
Characters from your favorite TV series
They’re getting older
Like imaginary friends, they know secret
Of my heartbreak.

It’s been a long time
Since the burning stars of your eyes
Kept my soul warm
And it’s been a while
Since the clarity of your face
Dissolved turbid of the world.

In this wasteland I’m in
The only flower blooming is you
In spite death and destruction
You bloom, oblivious
Of heroes fallen on a blue screen.

A fallen hero, a metaphor
Of a sister, poetic avenger
Who mustn’t fall in life.
The flower of you, blooming in wasteland
Will stay white, oblivious
Of heroes fallen on a blue screen
While the Baltimore melancholy
Is reaching me, on the other side of the ocean.

Submitted on 2005-11-08 09:33:00 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This piece made me think of some of my so-called heroes who are looking so lod that they make me want to skirt around a mirror lest I realize that I am not looking so good either. People such as Paul Newman and Robert Redford...Butch and Sundance are looking pretty haggard these days. Ah, but life does go on!
| Posted on 2007-09-02 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
  Melancholy is write. I know what you mean about TV| heroes getting older, and in turn, needlessly reminding us of our own mortality. I mean, if the Fonz can get old, what chance do I have, right?

And the blue light from the TV can be pretty depressing to an insomniac, especially when it often means you then sleep through the few daylight hours God does send you in England, or minutes in Iceland, as the case may be.

Enjoyed reading this, sort of. i'd say i loved it but unfortunately you've gone and reminded me that my TV heroes are getting older, and so in turn am i :P haha kidding, this was a clever write for sure

well done.
| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
  Touching! Sad! The "Melancholy" comes through, clearly, and the reader is left saddened by the loss. Someone is missing, gone across the sea, perhaps. The narrator laments the separation, notes the length of it by the aging of T.V. characters, and the pain of it by reports of fallen heroes. This is a clever way to bring the longing through to the reader. The mundane habit of watching T.V. pierces the heart of the narrator, bringing remembrances of the one who is missing (a lover perhaps, someone close for sure), and draws the reader in by its connection to ordinary life.

Some suggestions for your perusal:

S1
L6 - Change "they're" to "are".
L7 - Add "the" before "secret".

S2
L1 & L4 - I think you need something a bit more colorful than "long time"and "a while". Since you talk of "stars" and "souls" something "mystical" is in order, maybe, "endless" or "eons".
L6 - "Turbid" is an adjective, the noun form is "turbidity".
I prefer the use of turbid, and in conjunction with your aforementioned "haze", it seems right. To clarify the line, however try something like "Dissolved the turbid_______of the world". What word to fill in the blank? I like "mystery", but the choice is yours.

S3
L1 - Drop "I'm in". Redundant.
L2 & L4 - "Blooming" and "bloom", too close together. Change "bloom" to "grow" or some other verb.
L3 - Add "of" before "death".
L5 - I think "heroes falling" sounds more appropriate.

S4
Final line - It should pack a punch, be memorable, and exemplify the entire poem. I would avoid the "cliché", "the other side of the ocean", maybe say "another side of the ocean" or change it completely.

This poem drips in the "melancholy" you were seeking. It has the images and well chosen words to effect the reader. It is original in its form, and its very idea, its essence. Your words are well chosen. i "Blue light", "blue screen", very melancholy. Also, "getting older", secret of my "heartbreak" and "death and destruction". These phrases pull the reader down into the blues along with the narrator. The longing for the missing one becomes the readers as well.

Nice poem, sad and blue, as intended. I want to say I enjoyed it, but it is better said that I was depressed by it, and in that emotion is its beauty.

Phil
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this it was strangely refreshing. Made me forget I'm having such a bad day at work. Thanks for the jolt of life.

Peace,
Jermaine.
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
  to keep up on the other comments would be complete redundancy. (doubt i spelled it right) this is a great poem. I'm form NY, not from Baltimore. but still, maryland is a good place...kidding. it's very thought it, easy to read, flows real nice. it's a great write. keep it up
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by frozenflame | [ Reply to This ]
  what can i say the title makes me hungry for crabs i love baltimore and i love the poem. i often thought i would write a poem about bertha's mussles on the inner harbour or one of the countless crab shacks keep up the good work
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by papalegba | [ Reply to This ]
  Woah. Chills. That's amazing. The depth here-it's almost as if someone lost someone and blames themself, or lost someone a long time ago and has never gotten over it. The grammer was rough, but I wouldn't change it. It gave the whole poem a more emotional pull.
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by Dark_Dancer | [ Reply to This ]

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