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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: hold my breathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: andnow
    ASL Info:    19.f.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 136/135/42
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 744
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 821



    Description:
       im not entirely sure where i was trying to go with this...
    however, this is the end result


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshold my breathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Morning. Dark.
    I hold my breath to confirm my heart beating.
    And youíre lying there,
    you look so serene in your silent slumber.
    A peacefulness Iíve never seen in you.
    One youíve needed and deserved for so long.

    I turn to look you in your dreaming eyes,
    to reach my hand to rest on yours.
    I hesitate beside you, for fear of disturbance.
    But just before my lips grace yours,
    youíre gone.

    I smack these lie-ridden sheets. Frustration.
    This familiar scenario brings a warm bed chill.
    The bedside clock screams 3:54
    breaking the illusion of being close
    to one so heavenly.

    Iíd love to wake up next to you.

    I hold my breath, and watch the moon drip from the ceiling.




    Submitted on 2005-11-08 14:06:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I understand why you have so little comments this poem is true to it's title: hold my breath. Thats what your readers are doing adn when they let it out, they don't know what to say for lack of oxygen to their brains-some people are very guilible! Ne way, it was good, but I don't know quote how to comment on it... and when you request unspecified, I am even more befuddled.
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't figure out why you have had almost nobody read this.

    It's a little different, a little dark, and I like the way you structured it.

    Maybe describe the time a bit better , like "morning...still dark" just to set the scene a bit.

    Otherwise, i liked it lots, the story comes through nicely, and I would say well done indeed.

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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    80351

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