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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Something must be.......dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mon28
    ASL Info:    29 /F /Montana
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 176/59/14
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 838



    Description:
       I am looking for some clean up advice. I need to know my spelling errors, things that could be added or taken away from this piece. I wrote this about someone that my heart can not get over. I have had a couple of relationships in the two years that I have known him, the times that I am unattached I can not work up the nerve to take these feelings somewhere. In short, I am very chatty towards him when I am in a relationship, and very shy and quiet when I am not. Any advice would be great......Thanks!


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    dotsSomething must be.......dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Something must be said about my feelings toward you. I have held on way to long without due progress, emotions lay in the depths of bounty less boundaries, this area of which I may never distinguish a foot path. Something must be uttered for the intense pressure that leaves me gasping for breath when your presence gains my immediate attention. Something must be expressed for the words that do not seem to come when my current thoughts are flooded with that nervousness of mine. Something must be realized for each encounter that elevates me to the clouds, and those memorable moments that keep bringing me back. Something must be determined for the times that I notice you looking at me and I wonder if your thoughts mimic those of mine. Something must be gained if I tell you the truth of how I feel, and ask you to do the same.




    Submitted on 2005-11-08 16:49:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is good. An honest heartfelt expression of your feelings and emotions. I can relate to these feelings, these thoughts. It is not easy to feel so strongly for someone and not have the peace of mind of knowing these feelings are shared. Love is such a complex emotion, a sort of mystery that always remains a mystery. I think you have done a great job with expressing yourself. I dont see any grammatical errors here. The only thing I can offer in the way of critisism is maybe a bit of repetitiveness with certain words. "Something must be" is said throughout this write and is also the title of this. I think if you could find other ways of saying this so that you avoid saying the same things it would add some depth to your piece. It would give a greater impact on the overall effect of the write. Otherwise I think this is very good. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah, i've been there. i wish i said how i felt. she is the awesome. but i never worked up the balls or whatever to ask her. eventually i had to move and it is hard for me not think about what might have happened if i just told her how i felt. i guess i didn't wanna ruin the friendship or something. but she might've been the one, hehe . . . nah. i liked this - i could relate. good [censored]e.
    | Posted on 2005-11-13 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't see any spelling errors...I could feel the love and emotion you put into this...as for constructive critisism I would have to suggest not such wordy portions like bounty less boundaries...it's a little confusing...it might flow better if things like that were wroded different...overall great job...very loving and a good read
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by tinkerbellsas | [ Reply to This ]
      Good stuff, lots of emotion, not quite sure I understand what "bounty less boundaries" means either? suppose if you put a comma between bounty and less boundaries it could mean minus boundaries?My only other suggestion would be to maybe,instead of one long paragraph, divide it into paragraphs, each one starting with "something must", I think that would make it a little more reader friendly, just some thoughts,ideas, whatever. Overall I thought this was really sweet and well written, as far as spelling mistakes, I don't think I noticed any, look forward to reading more of your work.

    Milo
    | Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a good, strong poem. who is this for? i would ask you to expand on this, but there is alot of love here in this poem. as for the spelling errors. i didnt see any. one part i was left feeling questionable on. what does "bounty less boundaries" mean.

    other than that... you did a good job. =]
    | Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by irish storm | [ Reply to This ]


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