blood running slowly down her arm
it tells a story of a girl who was happy..
until she met that guy
it started out fine of course
then one day he beat the shit out of her
yea...he was one of those men who'd
beat you if the wind blew
so yea back to the story
he beat the shit out of her
rap her, implanted his seed in her
then left...Was he high?
Doesn't matter five months later
he came back and for three of those months
well they were great
third month he beat the shit out of her again
almost sending ME to an early grave
uh huh my dad
now fifteen years later he came back
he beats the shit out of me..
| I like it. I had a childhood that is similar, though not exact. I agree that you really should take out the parenthesis. Maybe, instead, you could have the *asides* at the bottom, instead of in the poem to interrupt the flow. It's really good, though. I like it. Good job.|
The Dark Ainjul
|| Posted on 2005-11-09 00:00:00 | by Ashleigh Mari | [ Reply to This ] || It's weird, but I like it. It's got good imagery and really makes the reader think, I like that. One thing that I think is important in any writing, is that the reader is able to take from it what they will, and this poem, or whatever, does that really well. Good job, just a bit depressing in a way|
|| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by Kalinda | [ Reply to This ] || yeah very twisted... but it makes me think. maybe u should take out the parentheses.. i know they are there for emphasis but they ruin the flow of the story. good job overall||| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by chini | [ Reply to This ] || i dunno...this one is weird. i wanna comment though becuz i try to comment everything that i read. oh...i had to read it again to really understand it. damn...life sux. so "ur dad" beat his wife when she was pregnant then he came back and beat his kid. wow life's hard. after reading it a second time it actually is pretty well thought out||| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ] |