A confession by Atrip187

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: A confession dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Atrip187
ASL Info:	21/Male/Some Alley
Elite Ratio:	4.53 - 81/76/21
Words:	137

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	192
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	823

Description:
Just trying to make someone think awhile i liked it as i wrote it and hope that someone can help me learn how to refine and channel my thoughts more poeticly.

A confession dots

-------------------------------------------

To Whom it May Concern:

I thought it best to describe my recent actions,
So i will tell you the whole Story,
and fearfully await your reaction,
Once again i am sorry,
And i swear this is the truth,
I have committed a crime,
I have murdered Youth,
I wish i could say it was just one time,
But i have murdered Youth over and over again,
I truly feel ashamed,
But i am not alone in my Sin,
For Innocence must also be blamed,
He led poor Youth to Me,
and filled his head with lies,
He just couldnt see,
But I opened his eyes,
In fact i sewed them open,
He Stared at me as he died,
Foolishly hoping,
that i was affected by how he cried.
I was, i am- sorry.
-Reality

Submitted on 2005-11-08 21:46:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Beautifully written, I especially like the charactorisation of Youth, Innocence, Sin and Reality. Very effective, especially because such poetry has become quite rare these days. The theme was an awe-inspiring one, I congratulate you on such an open imagination and ability to create pictures in your head and present them to the reader.

Much admiration,

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  now this I fuuuucking dig--really I almost got the feeling like it was written in prison as this dude is just remebering his life maybe before he got the chair or something.......ya know like what a bad dude he has been --man this is good-my kind of shiiit, much better than that other one I read....see I'm not such an a$#%Hole
lamemansterms
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]

I very much liked your poem. I happened to think it is incredibly powerful both the language you used and the message you tried to convey. You successfully created and gave it this mysterious quality with the title and the subsequent line. My favourite lines were from lines 16 to 20 very moving. However, I did not particularly like the ending. I reckon it could've been sharper and/or more powerful.
| Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey atrip,

I think this is one of your more expressive pieces here, although alot of your other pieces say alot and do so in a strong manner .. they still seem to lack some of a personal voice. This piece (not that I have readall of yours) seems however to not be so controlled by .. or restricted by you in a setting or in a format .. form .. forming .. upbringing , but more of a timeless you expressing something.

Don't get me wrong here .. I am not saying that fusing languages, using street language .. or shouting [censored] [censored] [censored] is a bad thing .. i like that too .. i like to flail my norsemanship around , but only if there is a shallow harbor to slide into and some little cute christians to slaughter .. and [censored] like that ..

.. the only real nitpicky thing I can think of at the moment is your last couple of lines .. i think the and in the second to last line is kind of uneccessary. If you replaced that with a couple of commas it would make it stand out a bit more i think .. or just sound better .. like :

I was, i am sorry,
Reality

..I would keep the little i but that's just because I am norwegian and weird .. maybe you should make it a big one.. unless you mean little i .. heh ..

cheers .. see you,
Christian
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
  bout time someone paints it like it is. Its messed up out there. Yeah, but another take one could get off this is, like in my case, the Co led "poor" youth-wait no dragged them to the recruiter because I wasnt able to afford college by myself. I was fed the lies of "get a good job-where you are rewarded for honor." I serve also and everytime I see this sad truth you speak of it makes me a little sad because you know, I used to feel remorse for taking, life and pain for receiving it where I knew I didnt deserve it. I hope you are much stronger than I am and can get what you need out of your experience and have the courage to deal with what is yet to come. Nice write.
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by annae cattaya | [ Reply to This ]
  i like how you describe reality stealing innocense. it almost sounds like a rap at first when you start reading it, was it intended that way?
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by ptagirl | [ Reply to This ]
  I think I am reading this the way that you were thinking it when you wrote it. You are writing as if it was war talking. That war has killed theYouth in many soilders and even the actual youth caught upinnocently in the war, and even the youth that was left in any soilder be it they are old your young. That was my peception of your poem. And by the way it was wrote very well. And if I am wrong on my peception I would love to be imformed. Exceelent write! ~~Donna~~
| Posted on 2005-11-09 00:00:00 | by ThatWasOnceMe | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow!...this is very powerful...im sorry for what you have seen...i dont think that it needs refinement at all...it is well written...i hope that you understood through my reply that i dont at all think of you or other soldiers as murderers and that i do understand there are many facets to war...my simple declaration was one of which i would like to be..but one i know is virtually impossible in todays world...i have nothing but admiration for those who stand up for what is right...i have done the same all my life..just in a very different manner..i dont think that you should feel ashamed...i do think you should be proud...it is not a job some of us could or do take on...and we would be in a much worse position if not for the men and women like yourself..stormy
| Posted on 2005-11-09 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  This packs an amazing punch at the end, like being beaten into adulthood by shock troops in the middle of the night. If you haven't seen military action, you certainly give the impression you have; I'm almost certain I've seen it through your eyes. I'd suggest you edit the introduction a little (whole instead of wholest), but other than that, it fits its subject matter perfectly. Nicely, nicely done.
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.