Inside The Mind by PolaroidMemory

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Submission Name: Inside The Mind dots

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Author:	PolaroidMemory
ASL Info:	18/F/IN
Elite Ratio:	2.93 - 99/93/28
Words:	76

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Misc
Total Views:	251
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	519

Description:
I don't really like the title or the last four lines of this poem, so if anyone has any better or more creative ideas, please let me know!

Inside The Mind dots

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Write down your thoughts,
Tell them to the world.
Live out your dreams,
It's easy to make them heard.

Don't stay couped up
In your house on the hill.
Go on a vacation;
A journey, if you will.

Let out your feelings
And listen to your heart.
Don't let your anger
Tear your soul apart.

If you dream
In the dead of night,
You'll wake up in the morning
To soft, bright light.

Submitted on 2005-11-10 17:39:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  RUN! HALLMARK! HALLMARK!

Perhaps I'd suggest you try something that isn't so cliché. It's positive and encouraging, something one doesn't see here on the site often -koffangstkoff- so I'd congratulate you on that. But there's a lot more creative spirit that can be channelled into this piece, I'm sure of it. If you need help with a rewrite, let me know. I'd be more than happy to help.

Let out your feelings
And listen to your heart.
Don't let your anger
Tear your soul apart.

Keep up the smile!
Cheers
Azuire
| Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
  This is great and seems like it's a theme song for a children's show or something on PBS! It was sing songy, positive and encouraging! Good for you!
Happy day and weekend!
Love,Peace,Joy! tif
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed the poem up until i reached the end i like the you will wake up in the morning to soft bright light but not so much the dream in the dead of night thing because your poem is about get out there make things happen and stop being depressed type of thing i just dont feel as if it flows with the rest of the poem but overall good job
| Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by always thinking | [ Reply to This ]
  This is well written, but everything in it is a cliché. The images need to be more focused, more detailed, less general. Too much of a greeting card influence.
| Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by eliwhitneyradio | [ Reply to This ]

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