i wonder why (edited somewhat) by sudie

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Submission Name: i wonder why (edited somewhat) dots

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Author:	sudie
ASL Info:	18/ f / virginia
Elite Ratio:	4.33 - 182/195/51
Words:	86

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	193
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	661

Description:
the contest theme is "i wonder why".......just thought id give it a shot

i wonder why (edited somewhat) dots

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Perfection.
Something wonderful
    it seems;
draws our grasping hands
that are bleeding with the cracks of imperfection.
Dirtied by their work
and smudged by gray frustration...
why is this illusion so endearing?

Something tempting
    it would seem.
We grapple harder still
when we are told that we will never reach it.
If we don’t? Why search?
If we do? What for?
It is only to arrive at death
and give it something perfect to destroy.

I wonder why,
why is this illusion so alluring?

Submitted on 2005-11-10 18:13:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  http://www.eliteskills.com/formatting.php
Look it up and it'll show you how to indent or apply spaces... better than the funny arrow markers that you have.

The thing that drew me into this piece the most was the sound of it. It was very flowing in it's euphonic sonics lol.

'that (bleed) with the cracks of imperfection'
-or-
'that are bleeding with ( ) cracks of imperfection'

Try it on for size... I'm probably throwing the flow off but those two minor suggestions are something to look at to try and condense it down a bit more.

'and smudged by (a) gray frustration...'

I feel like there should be something to fill it out a bit more in this line... it just sounds better to me to have 'a' included. Your call.

'I wonder why,
why is this illusion so alluring?'

Two 'whys' seem too much, although I know why you have it there. How about -
'I wonder ( ),
why is this illusion so alluring?'
-or-
'I wonder why( )
( ) this illusion (is) so alluring?'

Just two more little suggestions that might interest you.

'that are bleeding
with the cracks of imperfection.'

'when we are told
that we will never reach it.'

Perhaps have these lines enjambed so you don't have such long lines?

Actually, stuff my suggestions... I don't know why I suggested these things. But it was about time I reciprocated lol.

Overall, an introspective and yearning piece. I know how you feel...

And that's all I can say right now.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with unspokendreamer.
I think that you will do a great job,
i really like your depth in this piece. you really dug deeper & asked your audience to think.
they arnt just words on a page.

i am sorry I didnt have anything else to say.
let me know how you did,
i enjoyed this alot
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  Perfection.
Something wonderful
it would seem;
draws our grasping hands
that are bleeding with(instead of with put "Through") the cracks of imperfection.
Dirtied by their work
and smudged by gray frustration...
why is this illusion so endearing?

Something tempting
it would seem.
We grapple harder still
when we are told that we will never reach it.
If we don’t? Why search?
If we do? What for?
It is only to arrive at death
and give it something perfect to destroy.

I wonder why, (Put a period here)
(Capitalize this)why is this illusion so alluring?

Other than those minor things, I enjoyed this a lot, I think you have a great shot.

Tom
| Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]

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