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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dusk-dreamingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1272
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 834



    Description:
       I wrote this after a particularly memorable sunset in the middle of my final exams...it's about doing what you want to do, acting uninhibitedly and pursuing things with childish enthusiasm- as such I've tried to give it a sort of dreamy quality.

    If you 'get' anything else from it I'd be interested to know, as it's probably just abstract enough to ellicit different responses. Any comments are of course welcome, but suggestions for a new title especially so.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDusk-dreamingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Thereís something in dusk that stirs the
    soul of every Romantic.
    Itís as if a sculptor's hand has
    scooped the sky in his palm and moulded
    it into a terracotta
    teacup splashed across the horizon.

    For a moment something lives, as
    the daylight slides into a hazy
    fuchsia gown, playing with the sparrows
    that hop madly from power poles
    and rooftops. Itís one of those scenes
    you wish would keep forever under
    an inverted jampot by your bedside.

    But then dusk dims to twilight, and
    the bold burgundy gown makes way
    for night timeís soft charcoal lingerie.
    I much prefer dusk; tomorrow
    at seven Iíll take that jampot
    outside and swirl it around
    until it glows and glows and glows.




    Submitted on 2005-11-10 22:11:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting metaphors of teacups and gowns to this setting sun of yours... terracotta teacup has a nice alliterative effect too - same with sculptor's, scoop and sky - just not as noticeable. Inverted jampot and charcoal lingerie also stood out to my mind as original phrasings.

    Ok, I'm gonna nitpick a bit if you don't mind - well, you really don't have a choice, so bear with me lol. You're Australian, so shouldn't 'molded' be spelt 'moulded'? And I think terracotta and teacup can be spelt as compound words - I checked with dictionary.com and that's what it came up with.

    I'm not sure about your enjambment in some places. It's often used to pull the reader forward or to abide by line lengths to keep them more uniform - but in this case, I'm not sure what it does for this piece... perhaps end-stopping them might suit this piece better? Suggested lineation for your poem - take it or leave these suggestions as you will -
    'Thereís something in dusk
    that stirs the soul
    of every Romantic.
    Itís as if a sculptor's hand
    has scooped the sky in its palm,
    and moulded it into
    a terracotta teacup
    splashed across the horizon.

    For a moment something lives,
    as the daylight slides
    into a hazy fuchsia gown
    - which plays with the sparrows
    that hop madly from power poles
    and rooftops; itís one of those scenes
    you wish would keep forever
    under an inverted jampot
    by your bedside.

    But then dusk dims to twilight,
    and the bold burgundy gown
    makes way for night timeís
    soft charcoal lingerie.
    I much prefer dusk; tomorrow at seven
    Iíll take that jampot outside
    and swirl it around
    until it glows and glows and glows.'
    - just a suggestion. But do you see what I mean?

    Something I'm not sold on is the word 'and' after 'fuschia gown' - this part after it seems too lengthy on the tongue to me. If you were to take out 'as the daylight slides into a hazy fuchsia gown' you would be left with 'For a moment something lives, and plays with the sparrows that hop madly from power poles and rooftops' - what I mean is, does this connect together how you want it?

    I'm confusing myself right now... but something just doesn't add up. It still flows nice, I just think this part could be tightened up slightly.

    Hmm, I just looked at that second stanza again and added some punctuation - a dash and a semi-colon, and changed 'and' to 'with' - your call with this, of course. I realize it's a crappy suggestion, but I like making suggestions - so forgive me lol.

    Your last line initially bugged me - the repetition of 'glows and glows and glows' seemed a bit over the top... but after reading it again, it fits perfectly with your theme.

    This piece has concise and potent imagery. Don't think that my critique carries a negative association - far from it - I'm just another brother looking at it from another perspective lol.

    By the way, I think the title is fine. It's what it should be in my mind.

    I enjoyed reading this. And with that, I bid you adieu.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very good poem. It is full of wonderful descriptions and captures this time of day really well. Your words are beautifully written and expressed with a true admiration of your view. You really allow the reader to visualize what you are describing and the feel of this poem is just as lovely. I do have one question...what is a jampot? I have never heard of that before? This is a very nice and descriptive poem. Well done. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem sure has a "dreamy quality" to it!

    You have really creative discriptions. I'm especially amazed at the way you wrote about the "terra-cotta tea cup". It's an unusual metaphor, but really unique.

    My personal favorite lines are
    "But then dusk dims to twilight, and
    the bold burgundy gown makes way
    for night time&#8217;s soft charcoal lingerie."
    I really like the scene it draws up in my mind.

    A little suggestion, I think you could make your thoughts link better. Some of them seem to "disconnect" a little. If you get what I mean.

    Overall this is a great poem. Thanks for sharing!

    Regards,
    CoRaL
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by CoRaL | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a beautiful poem!

    I like the image that you have created in my mind about daylight slipping into a gown, frolicking with the sparrows, and hopping wildly from roof to roof.

    Overall, this was an impressive poem la la la...
    ciao bella

    PEnny

    This:
    "It&#8217;s as if a sculptor's hand has
    scooped the sky in its palm and molded
    it into a terra-cotta
    tea cup splashed across the horizon."

    This is a very unique description of dusk... terracotta tea-cups>? hahaha, nice.

    This line:"For a moment something lives...", gives the poem an air of n mystery, and allows the reader to let their imagination roam more freely...

    "the bold burgundy gown makes way
    for night time&#8217;s soft charcoal lingerie"

    These metaphors are not only beautifully worded, they are intelligent and allow the poem to flow as they make a connection to this line:
    "the daylight slides into a hazy
    fuchsia gown..."

    This pulls the poem together, and lets the stanzas flow well into each other.
    | Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by barefootangel | [ Reply to This ]


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