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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dream to Seemdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: toyysruss
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 494/336/134
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 1622
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1091



    Description:
       this isnt my best.then again i wouldnt know what was my best.
    i did this fast inbetween the book im writing
    i wanted to add more=i dream 4 everything to seem normal again

    normal?

    toyysruss


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDream to Seemdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There seems to be no more
    Family land
    And there seems to be no more
    Hand in hand
    We've all gone and got in a hurry
    The world's spinning to fast
    Oh so blurry
    And the path it's leading us down
    Is one of the reasons
    This face has a frown

    There seems to be no more
    Family dinner
    And at the table,no more praises
    For todays school winner
    Instead it's done on a cell phone
    Couldn't it have waited
    Till we all got home
    Oh I forgot,that was just a dream
    Around a table,I dream to seem

    There seems to be no more
    Family reunions
    And I tell ya,It's causing
    A whole lot of confussion
    I'm asking a whole bunch of questions
    As to why?
    And the answers always the same
    So I cry
    Please let's all slow this down
    My relief,for above said frown
    Look at you're spouse or child in a way
    And apperciate every moment of the day





    Submitted on 2005-11-10 23:31:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Family has been on my mind a lot recently; I remember hours spent discussing things over the dinner table when I was a girl but as you say ‘we’ve got in a hurry’,

    There seems to be no more
    Family dinner
    And at the table,no more praises
    For todays school winner

    I really like the sentiment in this. There is a definite rhythm/almost I’d say a beat to this poem that could be set to music. I’m not a great rhyme fan but this works. I wonder if you need a ‘It’s’ before ‘oh so blurry’ and I’m not totally sure about ‘I dream to seem’ that seems odd I would think of something else to rhyme here. With such a lovely poem it seems a shame that there seem to be a couple of little errors. I think you need a space between table,no and forgot,that and also I think you need an apostrophe in today’s. Also, you need a space between ya,It's and there are spelling errors in ‘confusion and appreciate’ Still these are nitpicking details. Whereas, I really enjoyed the poem.
    Take care, love and peace
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      That is great. I love every word of it, and I agree. Im not even sure what else to say. You really are talented. Im sorry I cant make this longer, but you left me speechless. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      man this is goood, describes the desire that we all have. . . .only when we slow life down, or when someone you love dies,or we are lonely.its so sad how all you've described in the poem seems to take less of a prioriety than our work/business. it reminds me of some John Legend song "it don't have to change". Has the book you were reading got anything to do with the poem, if ya send me the title...

    Keep spreading the love
    Nadia*
    | Posted on 2005-11-13 00:00:00 | by AfricanPrincess | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good piece a lot of people discriminate on the works of others who have a rhyme sceme. But you did a great job. A lot of my pieces rhyme to I hope you get a chance to check them out.
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Thornful Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice message in this poem. and it's quite good. it gets a little weak at the end but you could fix that. I wouldn't worry about best or worst. your writing seems quite good to me. and all writing can stand improvement--don't let anyone tell you otherwise. life does seem to be on the run with no time to stop and appreciate it sometimes. it shouldn't have to be that way. keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent!

    A very true and heartfelt Poem

    Know I feel exactly the same way

    When I heard stories from my Grandp[arents of the way it used to be I do cry

    It seemed so beautiful

    God Bless
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. It's so true to! I don't even know the last time I sat at the dinner table with my family. We always go in our directions and just forget about each other. I think we all just need to chill out at least just one day a week with the fam instead of talking on them damn cell phones or going out to a club. Sometimes I just feel like I'm leaving out my parents when they do so much for me. I like your poem. Very good thoughts and you wrote it so well. Nice work!
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]
      i will try to appreciate each day and the love i have for those around me, i know life is difficult and i am so glad we can all express ourselves in a wonderful way of song! i would love tohear this with a guitar in the background...ps i don't know if this is your best either! but i'm sure we can always do better!
    ;-P
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by orpheus | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with all that youve said in this piece...things are changing and not always for the better which is very sad...good write i think maybe if you re-look at it after a short period of time you will see that i might be improved in areas but really overall its a good piece...stormy
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this is good. i loved how you rymed your words. i do not know what to say to this. it must be hard for you if your going through these things that you have written. if you are not going through these things that you have written then i applaude you. you have got me thinkg and feeling the thoughts of this person. i guess now days families are spilting up much more than before. and it saddens me. i hope you are happy.

    suzi
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by sushi wok | [ Reply to This ]


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