I want to cry too by punn

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Submission Name: I want to cry too dots

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Author:	punn
Elite Ratio:	3.79 - 26/36/12
Words:	144

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	226
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	897

Description:
Do you feel it? does it flow?

I want to cry too dots

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When you get home,
write someone loves me
on your mirror,
put my initials up.
Always believe that,
Always know it’s true.

When you get home,
send me your address,
i have a pillow to send to you.
Blue and long,
i held it in my arms,
maybe you can too.

When you get a phone,
remember my calls,
how my voice comforted you.
i’ll be looking at mine,
the one that is blue.

When you get a phone,
hold it in your hand.
i’m on the other end,
wishing i could talk to you
once again.
Hiding under my blanket,
With my eyes focused on you.

When you want to cry,
go look in the mirror.
Get under your blanket.
Hug your pillow.
Take the phone.
i want to cry too.

Submitted on 2005-11-11 08:36:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This is beautiful, so highly emotive, replete with so much authentic and idiosyncratic detail as well as a unique voice.
There is a very prosaic style to this poem and for the main part this is excellent and more readable than most poems, yet I think making the language a little more elliptical as in 'Put my initails up' instead of 'put my initails up there too' and:

I have a pillow to send to you,
blue and long,
I held it in my arms,

instead of:

I have a pillow to send to you.
It’s blue and long.
I held it in my arms,

and the more definitive:

I'm on the other end

instead of:

I'm somewhere on the other end.

Might sound stronger. It might, in my opinion, read stronger too if you capitalised according to sentence and not line, as in:

When you get home
write someone loves me
on your mirror [this line was rhythmically overlong in my opinion]
Put my initials up.
Always believe that.
Always know it’s true.

When you get home
send me your address.
I have a pillow to send to you,
blue and long,
I held it in my arms
maybe you can too.

When you get a phone
remember my calls,
And how my voice comforted you.
I’ll be looking at mine,
The one that goes dead.

When you get a phone,
hold it in your hand,
I’m somewhere on the other end.
Hiding under my blanket,
With my eyes focused on you.

When you want to cry,
look in the mirror.
Get under your blanket.
hug your pillow.
Take the phone.
I want to cry too.

I think this is, as I say, a deeply emotive and very realistic poem.

Speacenik.

(2nd comment) This is really much stronger, I especailly like the decapitalisation of i that is so clever, you really apprecaite how helpless you feel. Perhaps, in my opinion, it would work better if you did this throughout),

Speacenik.
| Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  i really do love this.. it flows well except maybe the line: "The one that goes dead" in the 3rd stanza, it doesnt fit the rest of the poem and kinda throws off the reader..try to make it rhyme with "true" and "you" and "too" like the other stanzas.. that line's just a little random.. but the rest is really great.. it makes me want to hug a pillow *sniffles*

you did a good job on this
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by thehappyfaery | [ Reply to This ]
  Ohhh! Gee this is so sad. I like how you have written this one. Yes, I could definitely feel the sadness in your words. Made me feel sad just reading this. I really like your expression here. I can relate to these feelings. They really suck. I know all about wanting to hide under the blanket and just shut out the world. It is very hard to deal with feelings like these. Very nice heartfelt write you have here. Good job with this. *sniff*

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  *sob*

Thats how I feal at the moment... but I don't have a pillow or mirror and the phone alone will not help. Life is brutal, but love is a torture, we will all go through this once...
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by WriterX | [ Reply to This ]

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