Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: All That Is Left (redraft)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Speacenik
    ASL Info:    23/f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    7.09 - 413/359/96
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 254
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1146



    Description:
       A poem for peace.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAll That Is Left (redraft)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Woodstock, a distant clearing in a park,
    somewhere in New York State
    where seeds lay lulled in the ground
    for well-established decades
    until awakened by pacifists' feet.

    I was just stardust: ethereal, unreal,
    less a dreamer than a dream
    who ran the circumference of earth
    and streaked the cosmos
    as carbon fell on that foreign mire,

    like lost breath in a hot summer residue.
    Conscript leafleteers swayed, tranquil
    as summer elms, soldiers burnt
    their typecast futures,
    while the crowd hummed that harmony

    that was both America and not America,
    that was set to the tune of Universal Soldier
    Is this footage all that is left of 100,000 faces?
    100,000 memories of unwrinkled
    flesh and dreams. And 100,000 photons?

    Jimi, hawk-taloned-dove, fresh from Vietnam,
    shoulders caged in braided suede jacket,
    frizzy hair free of communist-red bandana.
    His flesh splinters on steel strings as he plays
    that rare, raw moment through time to us.




    Submitted on 2005-11-11 09:16:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Another high quality, thought provoking, historical piece. Woodstock has become a singular icon of the Vietnam era, summing up the entire almost embarrassing ten years in American history. It's interesting to see a piece by someone from a different country and a different generation.

    What's wonderful you and sad for us, is that you may have learned more from it than we have. I love the questions you ask her for they imply so much more.
    Is this footage all that is left of 100,000 faces?
    100,000 memories of unwrinkled
    flesh and dreams. And 100,000 photons?


    Judging from modern day American policy, yeah that's it. All we have left are pictures and memories. We didn't learn a thing.

    The last stanza, with the Hendrix references almost sounds like a plea. Well, maybe not a plea, but more of a request to take notice. Jimi's message is still there for any who care to listen. “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.”"

    Nice work,



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      A very complex crafted piece depicting the cynical way that the world has become especially when it comes2 all the drama pertaining to warfare. I honestly dont think we need any of that, it does not make sense why some nations elect themselves in becoming the gatekeepers of the world, while they are infact the perpetrators of all the despicable acts of torture..Nevertheless, who am I "Im merely David challenging Goliath"...Its a little sad how unpertubed the world has become regarding matters of genocides...A very phenomenal piece that vividly paints that scene for us...Very powerful and provocative piece...THANK U FOR SHARING..Be happpy..Nobantu
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
      November 11 - to me Woodstock feels as distant as 1918, both swallowed up in blackhole history 'til they are nothing more than a soupy echo.

    The poem feels the same way. It's beautiful but beautiful like a fading black and white photograph. You were simply stardust and you're 22, I must have been just sparkling stardust larva. (I don't mean to make you feel old, it's just that even 18 feels a long way away to me.)

    The poem only really got going in the second stanza, the first set the scene well but felt a bit limp and lifeless compared to what followed. Also I think "pacifist feet" sounds better than "pacifists feet" but if you wanna keep it the same then I think it needs an apostrophe after the "s".

    But otherwise it's a very good poem, thanks for sharing it.

    Icarus.
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      hello Selina,
    the opening: Woodstock right away you know where you are at. “somewhere in New York state” is a little odd. the seeds I can grasp of events that have happened in the past that came to fruition at the event. for well-established decades this could be the future after the event since it is all in past tense lain, lulled, established. and because of it being written today. so in that sense I can see two ways to look at those curious lines in as far as the view of time.

    stardust I get this tune in my head “we are stardust we are golden” I like that line who ran the circumference of the earth I see hippies moving all across the land “as carbon fell on that foreign mire”. I swear I get the strangest thoughts here Carbon based life forms ha ha don’t know if that fits.

    on the second line in the 3rd stanza has me wondering is leafletteers a word? typecast futures that is wonderful I enjoy that.

    that was both America and not America. I see that as the division in it and yet the rejection of insane nationalism in that day to a more global mind in a sense of peace not globalism. just like we have the patriot movement here today and the rejection of the lies today same game just different players.

    Jimi Hendrix enters the write, I like the hawk-taloned-dove superb! that is a magnificent expression there. I had no idea he went to Vietnam. the last two lines make this poem even greater in my eyes and set a tune in the mind as it closes: “His flesh splinters on steel strings as he plays that rare, raw moment through time to us.” Jimi playing the Star Spangled Banner on the electric guitar. another brilliant piece!

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      good poem. is hard to find anything not right. this line

    where seeds had lain lulled in the ground

    drags when i read it. 1st, 3 past tence in had lain lulled. 2nd, lain lulled is a tounge twister. maybe

    where seed have layed dorment in the ground

    in the 3rd stanza, burnt doesn't fit for me. i don't have any suggestions. i love this line

    His flesh splinters on steel strings as he plays
    that rare, raw moment through-time-to-us.

    u must play. takes someone that does to understand that. bleeding may work in stead of splinters... but splinters works very well.
    punn
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by punn | [ Reply to This ]
      Im giving you a Wow on this poem because it made me read it aloud. This poem thrust me into the setting. The last stanza especially...

    You sound like you actually read lots of poetry, which is hard to say for most. Most just pick up a pen and go. It comes through strongly.

    I'd get rid of the semi-colons, but thats just me.

    Looking at the world through these eyes, from the small carbon atoms and photons to the big picture, NYS, Vietnam, is a nice juxtaposition.

    You break up stanzas in the middle of thoughts, sentences, whatever, and i love that but i think itd be cool if you did that throughout, rather than start after that first stanza.. but then again the first stanza sets it up and you continue with "I was just stardust..." .. I cant decide.

    One last thing, Im not really a fan of the use of hyphens in the last line..
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by watered_down | [ Reply to This ]
      I have seen this poem before and I definately prefer it to Armistice Day the message is one of peace and it is a definatie fav. The image of the seed lying dormant until awoken by pacafist's feet is incredible and that you were not born at the time of Woodstock and Vietnam. Is Iraq a new Vietnam - possibly so there has been as much wasted life. The allusion to Universal Soldier is well done apart from being a song that I have always loved and
    the image of the crowd joining in the harmony

    that was both America and not America,
    that was set to the tune of Universal Soldier
    Is this footage all that is left of 100,000 faces?
    100,000 memories of unwrinkled
    flesh and dreams. And 100,000 photons

    Also, I love the way you describe Hendrix as a

    'hawk-taloned-dove, fresh from Vietnam'

    Altogether, this is a very moving and beautiful poem and I can understand why you posted it today. Love and Peace
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.