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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: more than just friendsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Thornful Rose
    ASL Info:    23-female-California
    Elite Ratio:    3.74 - 141/186/49
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 998
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 859



    Description:
       to that guy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmore than just friendsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I want to touch you in ways I have lately dreamed.
    But somehow I have created a friend box,
    Which I am left inside boundries unseen.
    Your pressence surrounds my every day,
    in such a off limits kind of way.
    I have no mind when I see your face,
    and you were the one to help me get away.
    Away from a relationship gone so wrong.
    I awake to find you crashed out in my bed,
    after a night of partying and yet no sex.
    I want to touch those lips of yours.
    I want out of this friend box.
    I want to explore.
    I do not know rejection and I don't know patience.
    I just know I fucking crave you.
    But I will sit back and behave.
    Being just a friend isnt so lame.
    So I will maintain our relationship as is.
    I just wish we were more than friends.




    Submitted on 2005-11-11 15:01:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really like the way you did this. I think the feeling are quite common and it is great to give them a voice. I see this as being written in a diary. Sittin on the edge of the bed, first thing in the morning. It says so much about our feeling and the ways that we don't or cannot express them.

    Good job!
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      You sound a little impatient to replace someone from a bad relationship with a surrogate, a 'knight in shining armor' whisking you to a happier world and soothing your misery. However, because the details you relate are so superficial, the tone of the poem comes across as escapism and obsession, not love. I have to agree with the other posts, you need more details of both the failed relationship and the way the new relationship fulfills you. I'd revise this and resubmit, because the germ of an idea is here waiting to be fleshed out. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the idea here that you have written it as a simple poem, that expresses your emotions, and sort of in a way remindes me of ones i had before meeting my boyfriend. i know sometimes it doesnt always seem right, wanting a freind so bad, but there is one thing you have to think about, if you decide that you have to let him know. is it a calculated risk, and how will it change your relationship. with my boyfreind, we were almost best freinds, in fact, i counted him as my best freind. the only thing it did for us was amde it closer, but other freinds of mine i dated, it didnt go as well.
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this

    You are letting out the desire you have inside thru your write

    I understand what you are feeling but just make sure before you make any kind of move you dont lose someone who seems like a best friend to you
    Take Care
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      the friend box got my attention.and then u refered to it again.=i liked
    the words or phrases u choose is quite unique=this is attractive.u went to saying all to common,2 everybody,but u went about it in an uncommon way=i say congrats.
    i had to scroll back up to see what category u put this in=good job on that.because u went from a little poetic,to full blown rant.dont get me wrong=im attracted to rants.thats when u really get 2 know the writer
    and thats what u are.
    i believe that the writer in u,is like me.
    not the best at poetry=but something other in the writing venue
    u read drean to seem=no uniqueness there as in this.some of my others are quite only=toyysruss
    as sense of longing for with a good twist of impatience=colorfull metaphors=lol
    cool

    john
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a good topic that you were trying to get out and it sux having a good friend who has no clue that you want more...which they may in fact want too. anyway this was an OK write...there really wasn't anything wrong with it poetically speaking, the flow was good the structure was mediocure. I think maybe there could have been more emotion and description in this write thought. nice effort but It just seemed to be missing something.
    Peace
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that maybe you are being a little too impatient with this person you're waiting for. I know in here you said you don't know patience but you got to cause if you don't it won't get you anywhere. Maybe this guy isn't ready to be more than friends yet and he wants to take his time. I can tell you right now I'm not that patient myself but I am when I have to and may not want to. So just give it some time and maybe he'll get rid of that "friend box" and let you guys be more than friends.

    About the write itself, it was ok. I noticed you kind of rhymed on and off. I don't know if thats what you intended but if it is you should keep to a rhyme scheme so it sounds better and keeps a better flow. Otherwise yea this was ok but not bad at the same time. I just have a feeling theres something missing and I can't put my finger on it. But anyways thats all I had to say.


    Brenna
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, missing something! What kind of feeling does he envoke in you? Does he make you melt, your heart race, palms sweat, or are your words coming out wrong when you speak to him? You have such a great start to a worth while subject. So many girls out there have this "friend" and it is so hard to get hooked up! You do not want to loose the friendship but you do not want to watch him with someone else... If you watch Ross and Rachel on friends... that feeling just ozzes out in a couple of those episodes... ( maybe some ideas will come to you from there) Anyways just a thougth!
    Monica
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by mon28 | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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