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    dots Submission Name: Revelationsdots

    Author: RequiemOfDreams
    ASL Info:    20/M/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 97/140/38
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1394
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1071


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    I lied alone in bed at night, wondering of life
    How alone I felt; how abandoned I had been
    How he had found her, how she had found him
    I lied alone at night, wondering of life
    Vibes of desire shook my mind
    Feelings of need drowned my body

    I lied alone, wondering what was missing
    I saw him with her; her with him
    Knowing that something was missing
    I thought, I pondered, I imagined
    what is gone, what is missing?
    A gap, in my heart, a rift in my brain
    A void that you filled, but I did not know

    He and her had become them
    And still I wondered of life
    Than my thoughts turned to us
    Yes, we joke; yes, we kid
    But we always had fun throughout the night
    So as I sit here, next to you, I know we are right
    To be together, you're my bridge across the rift
    And you're my heartstring, to fill my void
    Now I lie not alone, I lie with thoughts of you
    Just wait... I'll prove my devotion is true

    Submitted on 2005-11-11 15:23:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good look at the place of contemplation and the feeling of lost loves. You portray the aloneness and contemplation well.

    I am a bit thrown off by the switch from third person to second person references. I am not real clear on what switches the him/her/them to you.

    You begin talking to the reader and end up talking to someone else. You are alone and then suddenly they are sitting beside you. Maybe I am just thick in the head.

    I like the poem and the wonderful images and feeling.

    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this write
    To me it sounded like you were seeing who had the most love in your heart and you decided on the one you were with
    I believe this was the right choice

    Very Good write

    Take Care

    And thanks for your recent comments My little sister is my rock
    I thank God every day for bringing her into my life
    Take Care
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      "vibes of desire shook my mind" I loved this line the most...great description and imagry. This was a great write overall and was easy to follow. I can't think of a complaint for this one...the flow was beautiful the structure was great. This seemed really personal and you invited the reader on in. This was a great capturing write and I hope u keep writing.
    hope to read more from you soon.
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]

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