I'm all for minimalism, but even I think this might be too vague (and I write eleven word poems). I think even adding "twenty years since I last saw you" or something like that might make the impact more emotional. This could be about waiting twenty years for your favorite style of pants to come back in style. I also think that this makes you ponder, and that's not a bad thing. I also think that writing is supposed to convey information, not be cryptic. Anyway, I'm torn. I do, however, think it's too sing songy, but that's probably intentional, Amy
nice and short. i think for me the twenty years was time apart form someone that you wish you were never parted from, and though i want to say an ended relationship, perhaps a death of someone close always comes to mind. i really liked the way the words formed the piece though.
Twenty years, twenty years could be anything. It could be a realtionship or how long ago that something occured. Gosh that could mean so many things. I don't know if you are a fan of rap but this kind of reminded me of that song called "Gold Digger" by Kanye West I think is who sings it. Cause he says eighteen years eighteen years instead of twenty years. But thats what it reminded me of. lol.
I'm kind of stuck in between of whether I think its short and sweet or maybe you should edit it and make it longer or write another piece thats a longer version of this. Cause to me I really like it even though its so short but then again it could be longer but it doesn't have to be at the same time. haha. Yea I'm weird. That'd be cool though if you did make a another version that was longer. Anyways I think that was all I had to say. I think this is great. Nicely done.
I made it to ten. Ten years? God help me. My favorite verse is L4, "...don't say it flies" is sobering and a solid reality check. The comparison between sighs and flies is solid and poignantly tragic. It properly sets the tone of the poem and rights the perspective. Tears. I geuss we could get dehydrated that way too. I know I can.
This was great "twenty years and two million tears" was my favorite line...this write had great imagry and desciption and emotion for such a short write but I would have like to see more...this is a magnificant start but it seems unfinished and leaves me wanting more you know? This was all in all a wonderful write. keep writing and I hope to read more from you very soon. You have alot of talent for what you put into such a small work. Take care, ~Jess *pEaCe*
At first, I thought it could be twenty years being with somebody, because of the seemingly cheery repetition of the first line. Then the second line made it sound like you'd been apart from somebody for twenty years. I think the "twenty and two million tears" flows really nicely and the effect is good, with the larger number coming second and thus giving an image of inferiority.
So much can be interpreted from such small pieces of writing and it gives me great pleasure in reading such pieces in which mind can wander such as your poem made me, and that was only what I thought worthy of commenting material. Great work.