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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Something must be.......dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mon28
    ASL Info:    29 /F /Montana
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 176/59/14
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1087
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900



    Description:
       A rewrite and different placement. I hope it is better this go around.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSomething must be.......dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Something must be said about my feelings toward you. I have held on way to long without due progress, emotions lay in the depths of boudries, this area of which I may never distinguish a foot path.

    Something must be uttered for the intense pressure that leaves me gasping for breath when your presence gains my immediate attention.

    Something must be expressed for the words that do not seem to come when my current thoughts are flooded with that nervousness of mine.

    Something must be realized for each encounter that elevates me to the clouds, and those memorable moments that keep bringing me back.

    Something must be determined for the times that I notice you looking at me and I wonder if your thoughts mimic those of mine.

    Something must be gained if I tell you the truth of how I feel, and ask you to do the same.




    Submitted on 2005-11-11 18:13:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Reads more like poetry, compared to the original, although the content is the same. You have a way of describing emotions that I really enjoy reading. and I see you took your comments onboard and used them well. V.good.

    V
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very nice write. Filled with honest and sincere emotions and very heartfelt. I can feel the longing in your words. It is always wonderful when you can feel this way about someone. They bring something to your life that you just cant find anywhere else. It sounds to me, like you have a bit of frustration as you arent sure of this other persons feelings. Anyway, you have expressed yourself well here and just a couple spelling errors noted that have already been mentioned. Nice job. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      this was more captivating. i liked it. i thought it was pretty cool as i said before. this sent the feeling across in a more clear way.

    so yeah. keep on writing. peace.
    | Posted on 2005-11-13 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      i have to admitt that im not afmailar with that style of poem, htough i am familiar with the emotions described in it. to be completely honest thoughyou have left a sort of detached feeling instead of longing, whether this was to recreate the feelilng of attachment you hae, wanting someone that you dont think will ever want you, i dont know, but that is how i interpirtated it.
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you've done a great job expressing yourself with this one. I didn't read your old version but this one is really good. There are only a few minor spelling errors but that is no biggie and could be fixed easily. I really don't see any need to change anything..

    Mikki
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
      I went and read your first one and I do like this version better. It's cleaner, more lean. Just some minor spelling errors:
    have held on way to(o) long without due progress, emotions lay in the depths of bou(n)dries,

    the rest is fine. I don't think I would change anything else. It would detract from it. It conveys your feelings and it's clear and quite poetic even though you use fairly plain language. This new format you've given it makes it more clear and easily read. I think you've done a fine job. nice work.
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]


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