Reads more like poetry, compared to the original, although the content is the same. You have a way of describing emotions that I really enjoy reading. and I see you took your comments onboard and used them well. V.good.
This is a very nice write. Filled with honest and sincere emotions and very heartfelt. I can feel the longing in your words. It is always wonderful when you can feel this way about someone. They bring something to your life that you just cant find anywhere else. It sounds to me, like you have a bit of frustration as you arent sure of this other persons feelings. Anyway, you have expressed yourself well here and just a couple spelling errors noted that have already been mentioned. Nice job. Take care.
i have to admitt that im not afmailar with that style of poem, htough i am familiar with the emotions described in it. to be completely honest thoughyou have left a sort of detached feeling instead of longing, whether this was to recreate the feelilng of attachment you hae, wanting someone that you dont think will ever want you, i dont know, but that is how i interpirtated it.
I think you've done a great job expressing yourself with this one. I didn't read your old version but this one is really good. There are only a few minor spelling errors but that is no biggie and could be fixed easily. I really don't see any need to change anything..
I went and read your first one and I do like this version better. It's cleaner, more lean. Just some minor spelling errors: have held on way to(o) long without due progress, emotions lay in the depths of bou(n)dries,
the rest is fine. I don't think I would change anything else. It would detract from it. It conveys your feelings and it's clear and quite poetic even though you use fairly plain language. This new format you've given it makes it more clear and easily read. I think you've done a fine job. nice work.