Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Illusion


Author: crazygothchika
ASL Info:    15/f/oh
Elite Ratio:    2.36 - 21 /36 /9
Words: 261
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 635
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1682



Description:


What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


Illusion



Look into her eye's
you'll see her tears
and the pain that she's been feeling
for so many years.

You'll know how she feels
she's screaming inside
you'll see all of her secrets
that she's had to hide.

Look at her heart
it's been broken into
she can never go back
to that life that she once knew.

It's left in peices
they lie on the floor
she know's that her life
won't be the same anymore.

Look at her scars
she makes herself bleed
by cutting her wrists
she hopes to be set free.

She knows that after
it just makes it worse
she's trapped in her mind
she can't stop the curse.

When things get bad
she does it again
and looks forward to the day
when her sadness will end.

Look at her life
she didn't want this
look at her sitting there
cutting her wrists.

She missed so many years
she grew up too fast
she can never forget
that she can't change the past.

Look at her memories
none of them are good
they won't go away
but she wishs that they would.

Look at her tears
as they flow down her face
she feels nothing
and just stares into space.

Her pain is taking over
there's nothing that she can do
you can see her
but she can't see you!






Submitted on 2005-11-11 18:20:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Such a serious piece. Alot of raw emotion. A wonderfully writen piece. Each line flowed well with the next & each paragraph went with the one before & the one that followed (you did no jumping around as some tend to do). Well done:)
~Tonya
| Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
  the last 2 lines of the poem were the best. the poem flowed nicely and also you didn't lose interest after the first few lines. the poem makes you feel like the person in the poem is somehow defeating her sadness, i'm going to go read your other poems...nice work

++My Pain++
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
  the poem is a bit too close for comfort for me. The poems is very well done. It flows well. Its very mature poem. Its seems to be written out of exprience.
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Bloomsbury Set | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmm...better than the last one, i must say...this was alot better. the only thing that i didn't really like about this, is the last line. everything leads up to the last stanza well, it all flows, etc. but the last line of the whole thing didn't really conclude it too well...you should add a strong ending theme sentance. if you know what i mean...something to tie it all up.

In poetry, you are trying to portray some sort of meaning throught the poem. i don't have any specific suggestions that could help you, but i am sure you will think of something.

Good work. remember...your writing will improve.

-nathan
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  crazygothchika, this is a very well done write and there weren't any spelling or punctuation errors.the subject matter is very serious and i guess you could say that there is some kind of message there.i really hope that you wrote this to try to present some kind of opposition to suicide.it went on for quite a while and i now feel more able to think about it in a more detached way.whatever it was that motivated you, certainly produced results.good luck and fare well. SoNNy
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



80670