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    dots Submission Name: the woman I amdots

    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1117
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1021

       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe woman I amdots

    before I was the woman I am
    I played in a dusty garden
    between the rusty cars
    and lavender
    and made the world my own
    the grass was high
    and the sky
    held the hum
    of a solitary plane
    and the buzz
    of foraging bees

    before I was the woman I am
    I held my children to me
    and for a while
    they played and sang
    under sun filled skies
    and saw the seasons change
    the breezes blew
    and brought new
    life to where the
    leaves had fallen
    and unhurried
    beetles scurried

    and now I am the woman I am
    but not the one you see
    but if you're still
    you'll hear my voice
    in the spider scuttling
    or in the sea bird's call
    and know me
    in the traffic's thrum
    or on the open road
    trees blurred against the blue
    each day with something new
    this world I made my own

    Submitted on 2005-11-12 11:29:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I'll guess, Mother Nature? Well then the Fairy God Mother? My final answer; My mother-in-law ?
    Just who is that mystery lady, we seem to have met yet never noticed.
    Answer these please, and I'll still like this regardless of the response.
    All three women were worthy to do-see-do with.
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      Thats so pretty. I love all the images... and especially the happy ending. It kind of gives me hope or something. I dont know. The wording is great and its original. I like it a lot. Great job

    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      So you finally posted something good. No, I like the one I fav'd. It hit a soft spot.

    I never get tired of saying how good you are at incorporating details into you work. You make little things relevant and poetic. I also like your use of a refrain here it is particularly effective in the first two stanzas at setting up the impact of the last. Don’t think I didn’t notice all the rhyming scattered through out the poem. It adds depth to the poetry of the poem.

    In the first stanza, the way you incorporate concretes into the imaginary realm so that thelater is super imposed on the other is fantastic. It is a great description of a child’s imaginary play. It literally took me back to my childhood and made me say ‘yes that is just what it was like’.

    The middle stanza changes tone nicely, and your words become nurturing and maternal in the second line of that stanza with held, children and "to me". Then, the comparison with the fallowing line, were the children run of to play, is telling and remarkably efficient in the stroke of years that are encompassed. The remaining lines of that stanza play nicely into times progression, sweeping through the millions of details those years must hold. It now occurs to me how universal you have kept this. Omitting those very details to permit a larger pattern to emerge. This is the generous first person, a universal first person.

    In your closing stanza I found "...not the one you see" to be piercing and the way you deposit womanhood in the world at large amplifies the universality of the poem. There are some brilliant transitions here from spider to sea bird to traffic and a speeding car. The imagery is abstract in association but concrete and nicely phrased. It leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. For me, the spider deposits woman on earth and the sea bird in the sky and the sea the traffic in the society that generates it and the speeding car a representation of the journey itself the journey that is being a woman.

    Another very interesting element of the poem is how nature is merged with elements of modern life. In all the stanzas the imagery is a juxtaposition of animals and urban/modern icons. The two ends of the human universe tugging at each other for a piece of the fairer sex.
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      A very good write
    The words you used displayed beautiful imagery
    I can tell from your write you definately care about your family and the world

    It has carried you to a place where you have found piece of mind
    Dont let that go it will carry you far
    Take Care
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Very sweet and delightful images. This is worthy or repeated reading.

    I love the picures this paints in my mind. They are vivid and not cliché... I like that.

    I think I would appreciate any poem with lavender in it. In this case the poem matches the soothing feel I associate with the herb.

    Nice work!

    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]

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