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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: As the Lightening Burns- Pt. 2dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jinx
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.37 - 44/58/26
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 192
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1219



    Description:
       this is part 2 of the potentially 5-part series about two lovers who hold together as the gods try to tear them apart. or maybe they won't. it depends on my mood when i write part 5.

    It's not really 'finished' yet, but i'm a little stuck; i feel as though my quality of writing isn't very good at the moment. so here it is, for anyone who's already interested. It will make a little more sense if you read part 1 first.
    -Jinx


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAs the Lightening Burns- Pt. 2dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The hem of her skirt is dampened;
    It clings to her legs
    As the water creeps ever higher.
    Without warning, the waves;
    Envious and enraged
    Ambush the monolithic lovers
    Who stand knee-deep- No-
    Waist-deep in the icy foam.
    But nothing shakes
    The steadfast couple.
    The ocean begins to froth with rage
    And finally the sky
    Turns a furious purple
    As it breaks and splits and tears
    Exposing deep gouges of white light.
    The sea shakes and
    The beach trembles in fear
    As blasts of jealous roaring
    Penetrate the heavy and covetous air.
    But the pair remain stonelike;
    Unmoving in the hateful water
    That swirls monitorily
    Around their necks.
    The rain attacks from all angles;
    Freezing as it cascades
    In vicious succession
    From the rips in the sky-
    It strikes hard, threatens
    To pierce through them
    The way it slashes through the ocean.
    But even still,
    As the waves splash furiously
    Around thier mouths,
    Their noses, their eyes
    She and He remain
    Firmly anchored in the hostile tide.




    Submitted on 2005-11-13 12:14:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, in parts of this your writing is amazing, and in parts a little less than amazing.
    The hem of her skirt is dampened- I don't know why but I really like this beginning. I think because you open this second part with a description of her, making her instantly much more important than her surroundings, which are secondary in this piece. It keeps you, by which I mean readers generally, focused on the steadfast lovers.

    Who stand knee-deep;
    Now waist deep in the icy foam.
    I feel like there should be something separating these lines, it sounds a little repetitive put together like that.

    The ocean begins to froth with rage is a brilliant line, it calls to mind rabid dogs, mindless creatures filled with an insane uncontrollable rage. Very descriptive and powerful.

    Turns a rich, deep purple
    As it breaks and splits and tears...
    The beginnning line is not a very threatening image, and so with the next one sort of gives a wierd feel, like it takes you by suprise, sort of jerky and unexpected (sorry, I'm c.rap at putting my feelings into words!), which I both liked and didn't. It was good in that the usually gentle sky, which is how I thought of it in that first line, is furious now, so it makes a good contrast between the expected and unexpected, and thus the divine intervention, if that makes any sense. So actually, yeah, I like that part.

    The beach trembles in fear
    As blasts of jealous roaring
    Penetrate the heavy and covetous air
    is one of those lines that send a shiver down my spine, that is an Oh My God good line.

    The pair remain stonelike- this makes me think of dead people. But that could just be me. Perhaps a change of words there, one with connotations of loyalty, faith etc or whatever would work a little better. But I could just be being morbid with that line!

    The rain attacks from all angles... The way it slashes through the ocean
    is another beautiful description.

    She and he remain completely unfazed- I think a stronger ending than this would help the piece, the words used seem a little mundane, but then I don't know what's coming next do I? So use whatever is appropriate, only you can know what with your foreknowledge of the poem.

    So besically a great write that could do with a little polishing here and there. And vivid, fantastic description. I like it.
    And it's great to see you back and writing.
    x
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by AllyRose | [ Reply to This ]



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