Hazy Shade of Winter by Twilight

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Hazy Shade of Winter dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Twilight_Dreame
ASL Info:	15/f/Spokane
Elite Ratio:	6.23 - 43/37/17
Words:	170

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	306
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1182

Description:
This poem totally blows.. its random.. AND my ryhme scheme is totally fuckered up.. I"ve reverted to 8th grade.. but without those cool mix tapes.. :-S

Hazy Shade of Winter dots

-------------------------------------------

A hazed and graying sky
The cries of smoking fire
Dancing of bare limbs
Entwined within a summer

The moon is glowing brightly
A shadowed snowy grave
Breathing in a pain
A melody begins

Caress of deadened fingers
Iridescent blue desires
A path so warmed with daises
You cannot reach the fire

I’ve lost today’s tomorrow
No more left to give
Sittin’ in this cold
Sinners corrupt grins

A kiss from your beloved
Against a heavy dream
Weeping, torn, so dire
Temptation in a scream

Plush in levitation
Inviting and so cruel
A mask to bind your heart
A caged and wicked duel

Who is it that you trust?
A war within your soul
Thrust and play at midnight
A twisted binding role

So dance and sway my lover
Play a wicked tune
Format to the blackened sky
A raven’s blood, so soon

I shall lay in darkness
Waiting for a time
Watching, ever closely
Your spirit will be mine.

Submitted on 2005-11-13 22:18:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  YAY! i like this one!

a kiss from your beloved
Against a heavy dream
weeping, torn, so dire
Temptation in a scream

just ONE of my favorite parts!
i think all of it goes together, and there is a great mixture of romance and darkness:

So dance and sway, my lover
and play a wicked tune
Format to the blackened sky
A raven's blood, so soon

all of this is beautiful, and, dare I say it... Poetic!

Wonderful piece!
CinnamonT
| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
  Perfect! You didn't change much, just what I suggested. I am usually am pretty annoyed at poems that soumd so random, like in the verse:
"Carres of deadened fingers
irredescent blue desires
A path so swarmed with daisies
You cannot reach the fire"
but it just seems to fit!
The name's better too.

And by the way, Elton John wrote "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms" ?! I don't the so. Nice try.
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Jenniffer.
You did a wonderful job on this. Your rhyming, I loved, it wasnt too obvious. It was very suttle yet made it flow.
It had a nice tempo, quick & short lines.
It was a simple structure yet really deep meanings within.

The last stanza was my favorite, a very eery line, yet one that will stay with you. It leaves you looking behind your sholder.
Very cool.
Again, I think you did a great job on this, dont be so hard on yourslef.
Your very talented
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wachtoo talkin' 'bout? This is great! Dont' be so critical! Forgive me if my suggections suck, I'm feeling tired. There are just a few things that need work, but they stick out a little, and are pretty easy to find. Just look it over.
The rhythm is great, the wording is spectacular, it screams with originality. And color. Fix the third from last stanza to match the rest in rhythm. Please don't change to much. It doesn't make sense on one level, but speaks to the inner poet on another. ( * in singsong*)It's goin on mah favorites! Its hard to pick out a best verse; it's all great. Oh, change the name. Makes me think of what bullies do to a new kid.
| Posted on 2005-11-13 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.