discarded (dis)illusions by Someones Epiphany

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Submission Name: discarded (dis)illusions dots

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Author:	Someones Epiphany
Elite Ratio:	8 - 4400/2047/147
Words:	74

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	453
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	529

Description:
ok... the punctuation on this one sucks... feel free to help or offer any suggestions...

this was initially inspired by the soles of shoes... here on the streets are SO many pairs of worn out shoes... its crazy and then soles became souls and there you have it...

seriously any suggestions are very greatfully appreciated... hope your all doing well...

discarded (dis)illusions dots

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worn souls left by the way side,
discarded and forgotten possessions of society
these angels without portfolio,
too gentle for this world of illusions,
seem to paying added penance for original sin.
yet while the subtle lies of humanism
slowly creep in
a malignant sadness is manifested
in the faded sighs
and eyes that never learnt to lie
of these angels without portfolio,
discarded and forgotten,
too gentle for this world of disillusions...

Submitted on 2005-11-14 01:59:18 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  ...oh the punctuation is only off if you want it to be.
you strike me as being someone who can write effectively with immediacy or restraint - it is how you feel at the time or, for that matter, how we feel.
in this case you get it down and it works as is but a surprising amount of effort goes into the description...

which i had no need of because i got what i wanted without it anyway but

worn souls,
left by the wayside;
discarded and forgotten possessions of society
(these angels without portfolio),
too gentle for this world of illusions,
who seem to pay an added penance for original sin.
yet while the subtle lies of humanism
slowly creep in,
a malignant sadness is manifested
in the faded sighs
and eyes that never learned to lie,
(of these angels without portfolio),
discarded and forgotten,
too gentle for this world of disillusions...

this is a tight window in on the reality of getting by and it is eloquent and there is just enough of it - just like there is not much horseradish required.
ever...
take it easy,
k
| Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  it's strange what inspires us. i find it so hard to look at something that "should" be inspirational and derive something from it. it's these tiny little collections, life's symbolism that makes an expression valid.

i can't say that i really like this write all that much, but i love where it comes from. your mind would make a beautiful novel.

later
skilless
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
  That's sad about their shoe soles being so torn and tattered...if you think about it I bet a lot of their souls are too. I had a piece dealing with the "sole/soul" thing once. . .wait, it's still posted...Loosen Your Sole I think it is. haha It's crap compared to this though.
I like how you just use "souls" once in this. You could if you wanted to add extra meaning put "soles" at the beginning then add a "souls" at the end.
Wait. That might be too much. Yeah, I think that this is sufficient enough and very meaningful when you read it. Great job hun.
You are doing wonders over there! Keep up the excellent work! *Hugs*

-blt
| Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  this piece is a brilliant combination of traditional and modern day poetry...the imageries are beautiful...awesome word usage...
though in the fifth line its should have been

"seem to 'be' paying attention...

anyways great job...

cheers
as i am
adi:)
| Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by psychoneurosis | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really deep
You worded this beautifully
For shoes are sacred
They comfort are tired feet as we reach out grasping at all the beauty in front of us
And they go way back in time
For even the Bible describes Jesus wearing sandals to protect his feet
A fantastic write
Very Moving
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Your words and observations are from the heart of God and woman - angel and servant..."IT's" not always easy to see, first-hand, the truths of the world we've created and you in your work and words make a difference.
Great girl!
Love,Peace,Joy~Know,Experience,BE~~~
tif
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Jaydee,

It's been far too long since I made a trip over to read your stuff. This one is really nice.

I love the phrase "Angels without portfolio". These aren't the angels of Christianity, these are the more common angels. No agendas, no militant casting out, just calm, peaceful random efforts to do good. As such they are too weak to withstand this world's illusions (or disillusions).

Neat stuff,
Steve
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice! I love the way some things that seem so basic can be twisted and made to fit descritions of other things. Like this poem I read by cuddledumplin called "A Sock Epic". I like two faced things. (Just not two faced humans, you know?) Oh well I hope you're having fun in Africa...
-Claire
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Jaydee,

This is really good. Could be buffed up a little, sure, but I like the repetition of those three lines and the change from "illusions" to "disillusions". I think you mught want to include something of the sole idea in the poem... perhaps a line talking about how the souls are imprinted into the soil by the passing feet? Otherwise it is lost, and that is a pity. I like the idea of additional penance for original sin, but the sentence seems a bit unnatural. Good stuff friend.

Daryl
| Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the angels without portfolio line...I have no idea what it means but it just rings really cool. the whole piece reminds me of the lyrics of At the Drive-In. On the fifth line did you leave out "be"?

hope you are well and happy holidays:D
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
  I dont mind punctuation mistakes. But have you ever studied the beliefs of bhuddism? They shy away from technology and western society, they believe that a society without craving for material things is superior. And here, we as a western society look down upon the unsuccessful. For shame. If the world was Bhuddist, of course we would not have the technology, but the world as a whole would be a better place, and seeing as how nobody would yearn for a better possession, war would be nonexistent. God? People fight in the name of God? If God loves all of his creations would he want them to fight each other? Would he want them to take their existence for granted and destroy that world that sustains them? I dont think you'll say yes...
Drayke
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Drayke | [ Reply to This ]
  I do like this
but I am not really sure how to take it to tell you the truth.
It is rather diffrenet then most of the things I have read from you ...which is a good thing to expand...but it seems to be missing something...when I think of it I will let you know.

I hope you are well and safe

~shawn
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
  Brovo! Very,very good! I think you have a hit on your hands? Many people will come to read this and I am sure they all will be amazed?
Keep up the good work!

Your new friend Kelley
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  "eyes that never learnt to lie"= one of my fave lines in this poem. Nice work. It's a somber piece and I enjoyed reading it. Feels like a peom I could read when it's raining outside.

Cheers
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]

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