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    dots Submission Name: David deardots

    Author: sushi wok
    ASL Info:    19/f/australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.12 - 64/67/13
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 708
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 581

       finally a poem i wrote that's positive!! i hope it lasts.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDavid deardots

    All day and all night I think of you,
    I can’t get you out of my mind.
    What on earth am I to do?
    What with that smile yet so kind.

    You brighten up my dark nights.
    Take me in your oh so strong arms
    And hold me tight.
    Please don’t let go.

    My heart hungers for your love
    What can I say?
    My love is a pure white dove
    So come what may.

    My heart beats ever so fast when you’re near,
    Because you’re my David dear
    Tell it to my heart.
    If this be love?

    Submitted on 2005-11-14 03:35:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      David is very gifted to have you in his life
    You showed us your readers just how important
    His Love is to your life
    God Bless You Both
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very endearing. I think that maybe if you took a little more time into the piece you could come up with a better creation. I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes writing a simple poem really describes what you feel at the time. Love isn't suppose to be complicated...so why should your expressions.

    This was a good write. I am just helping when I say that I think you could have taken it up a notch.

    Good job!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      the truth...i don't like it, not at all...it jsut reminds me of some ditsy unpoetic teenage girl in love for the first time and thinks this is the guy she's going to marry...i just don't like it. I mean, i won't lie and say i'm not drawn to darker poems, but i do like some happy and upbeat poems...but i would turn my back on them if they were all like this...it was so..."la-ti-da" there was nothing else there. I think you're a better writer than that.
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
      I hope you dont take my suggestions wrong...its not that i dont think this is nice or a good piece...i just think that you could find a sushi orginal way of expressing the same things... lol...stormy
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this and im sure that it expresses how you feel exceptionally well...but can i suggest, without it sounding awful that much of this has been said so many times over ...in other words it is cliché...try to find your own way of expressing the feelings that are obviously there and very strong...i would also suggest that some of the ryhme is forced...but thats not to say i dont think you have done a good job overall...i like it the way it is..i guess im just suggesting to dig deeper...its in there :) ...stormy
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sweet. Nice to read your description and realise that you are writing something happy and it is because of this person in your poem. It is amazing how one person can come into your life and make such a difference in your world. Love has wonderful powers and makes all the difference in your outlook on life in general. This poem is very simple and concise, you could have gone more in depth, but what you have here is still very good expression of your feelings. Very good. Take care.

    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good I really like it, it's nice and sweet, I hope your partner appreciates what a beautiful person you are.

    Well done

    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]

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