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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Wanton Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CaramelCandy
    ASL Info:    37 Female NYC
    Elite Ratio:    6.07 - 118/144/57
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1095
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1402



    Description:
       Hmmm, I have recieved some interesting critique on this piece, some were horrible and others helpful. For the next reviewer, what is your opinion on this piece? This is the reason I have included my personal quote :'The end of criticism
    is when a person ceases to exist and life begins to fade.' Constructive criticism and plain ol' criticism bear different meaningns, which will you chose to use? , All comments received, but be constructive about your criticism....

    A mental note: I have combined this ABECEDARIAN ACROSTIC with ALLITERATION, which was done intentionally.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWanton Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Accentuate an atmosphere of crimson colour;
    Brand the beckoning hour which vibrantly burns.
    Cannons burst in mid-air; come rescue this cunning fair.
    Despair creeps day to day; damned the nights that slowly set.
    Ever-longing for you; evanescent dreams evade me while
    Flames frolic frantically through thin air.
    Graciously spreading through space and time;
    Hover over the ocean waves; haunt my flesh horrendously...
    Invade me, I beg of you, my love; invoke the passion within us.
    Jolted bodies, let them roam, beneath the sheets they do belong.
    Keep me safe within your arms; keep my heart abreast yours.
    Love me; devour me with your tongue...my
    Macerated heart abounds. I'll be your fool all year round.
    Never-ending desires nourish my soul, are you the one, I need to know.
    Overwhelmed loneliness plagues afar; torrential winds drag me along;
    Poignantly roaming through unseen eyes.
    Quaintly presence strides by
    Restoring my hope on a riverside. Crescendos' tides well up inside
    Sachets of love surround me now; salvage my forsaken heart.
    Thrust me not in the Dead Sea
    Uniquely
    Vivid
    Wanton eyes
    Xpress
    Yearning
    Zeal.


    Saby J.R., 11/12/05, All Rights Reserved.
    Revised 11/16/05




    Submitted on 2005-11-14 08:18:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      To be honest, just looking at this poem without even reading it affects me in two ways...
    one, my interest is piqued as my skimming eyes can see both the acrostical and alliterary value of this poem. Alliteration is one of my favourite literary devices, and this excites me. Acrostics however have never really excited me much, though they are cute, and this poem appears to be a very mature representation of of a genre that is so usually linked with children'spoetry. So overall, this seems rather exciting.

    However... first looking at it, one is not very tempted to read, simply because of the way in which it is spaced. Though the word are beautiful, the way they are placed on the page do not represent their true beauty. Rather than tempting th reader to read them, the spacing and format is uninspiring and a turn-off.

    I will have more to say about this poem later, when I actually read it thouroughly, so far, all I have given is my first impression of the poem. This first impression was takken from randomly skimming th poem, as well as noting the poem's appearance on the page.

    All in all, an interesting and exciting effort...

    ciao bella

    Penny
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by barefootangel | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. Pretty cool how you arranged it as an alphabet acrostic. I've seen it only once before on this site but each time is still amazing. I personally couldn't be bothered but it's nice to see others having a crack at it.

    I'm glad you want to better yourself as a writer... most would like ego-stroking praise but this is not the site for it in my opinion, which some fail to realize.

    My nitpicks: originally I was going to say space this out as it's one big block and it's a pain in the arse to read. After seeing it was an acrostic I'm not so sure now. Seeing as this is about 'eye's' how about splitting it in half? Two eyes etc... into two parts of thirteen... easier on the eyes and it expresses the twin nature of seeing properly.

    Another nitpick is your preponderance of words ending in 'ing' - I had a comment earlier that said that words ending in 'ing' only serve to make the poem sound artificially pretty... that it's far more rewarding and sonically purer to get rid of as many 'ing' words as you can. Contract it and change the syntax on some... of course you can't do that with all of them but you can with some. But that's just my opinion.

    Here is an example:

    'Accentuate an atmosphere of crimson colour
    Brand the beckoning hour which vibrantly burns'

    I still kept 'beckoning' but ditched 'accentuating' and 'branding' - do you see what I mean now? Less flowery and more concise. Again, totally up to you.

    You've missed some hyphenations like 'mid-air', 'ever-longing' and 'never-ending'... just little visual things to tidy this up.

    Yes, I really think you need to get rid of at least half of those 'ing' words... they really don't do this justice. Think about your use of tense when changing the syntax/grammar around.

    'Macerated heart abounds, I'll be your fool all year round
    Never-ending desires nourish my soul,
    Overwhelming loneliness plagues afar; torrential winds drag along'

    Deleted 'my darling' - that's a bit off-putting (personal opinion). Shortened it to 'macerated' and 'drag'... just some more examples of tightening this up and making it more concise.

    But of course, these are all subjective opinions. You did say you wanted a proper critique so I tried my best to identify areas that I think need revised attention.

    Good luck if you do decide to change it.
    Hope this helps.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't dissect ones work but I will let you know that this is one of the most passionate pieces I've read in a long time:) You have used such an array of words- it was wonderful to read something with such substance & emotion. A job well done. Bravo!
    ~Tonya
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Akai_Ame:

    I do appreciate you complimenting my work, but I would like a more subjective and objective perception of my work.

    My ultimate goal is to continously better my poetic writing through critique. I want to be published someday. You commentary was rated equal to a bad comment and I didn't know why would the site do that, but I understand now.

    Honestly, it was great reading your compliment! Thanks, Saby~*~
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hehehe, i love this. Very well written. I can almost feel the passion flowing off of it. I look forward to seeing more like this. ^_^ Welocme to the site. Do enjoy it and if you need anything feel free to look me up
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Akai_Ame | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    80924

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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