Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: living in dreams( edited again)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1406
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 812



    Description:
       another sonnet ... this time with the first line rhyming (almost) with the third...I don't know how it went unnoticed for so long...all better now..i hope


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsliving in dreams( edited again)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    In dismal darkened streets he stands and sighs,
    Then walks past closed-up shops and closed-down bars.
    Where dirty sulph'rous lights smear earth and sky,
    The dingy glow obscures the midnight stars.

    He longs for sleep and yearns for warmer days.
    He needs to feel again last summer's sun;
    To leave these streets where once he used to play,
    To live in dreams where she and he are one.

    In sleep she sweetly grants his one desire,
    And makes the sun shine on the coldest night;
    Brings life and love, until his heart's a fire,
    Within her smould'ring eyes, and burning bright.

    Though winter may be dark and dreams untrue,
    His nights are light as day, and summer too.





    Submitted on 2005-11-14 09:47:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ya I like this one, I don't agree about the sonnet love bit but hey it is what you make of it. The romance is soft and infact the poem is more about what keeps us going than a love. You spend most of your time describing the environment seasons turn. And there is little evidence to suggest that the love is reciprocal since it all occurs in his head. I am of course taking this more literal than a personifiaction of winter which is the other take, but I don't like that one too much. I rather lean towards the lady hawk bit myself. I found some verses soft on originality and brilliance (L8, L11 and L12) but well executed through out. I sort of feel like him and you these days, dreading the cold.
    | Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      *applause*

    Now THAT's iambic pentameter, a perfect sonnet, even about love, as all sonnets should.

    Simply excellent, i hope you catch the sonnet bug, and of course, you can use iambic pentameter or heptameter or whatever to make your normal poems flow great too!

    Proud of ya! Well done!

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      ...you see, this i really like. Very good flow, great imagery....i really like it. I'm glad you changed it, it's so much better now, i mean it just goes nicer, keeps the reader a little more into the piece if you know what i mean.
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
      I'll reiterate the praises below. Wonderful work! The theme was continous thorughout, and you seem to have kept within the "sonnet rules". I love the story it tells.. and your expressive writing. The images were just clear enough to undertsand.

    I agree, this description was quite good. > Where the sulphurous street lights smear the sky With a dingy glow that obscure the stars "
    - As was it all.
    I enjoyed the read.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      No, I don't find this obscure at all. This is another nice one, ertha. You make good use of alliteration in "Where the sulphurous street lights smear the sky." I think it might need to be "obscures" in "With a dingy glow that obscure the stars," but I admit that I'm pretty out of it today. Well done, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      it's great it's great it's great! very very well done! i've been on kind of a sonnet kick these past few months, and this is awesome! beautiful imagery, beautiful contrast between waking and dream, i have nothing but raving compliments for this piece. daddy like!
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      This was excellent! You need some punctuation, but other then that BRAVO!

    I love the story that you told here. And I love the strength being exposed. For even though the darkest day may come...the light has to eventually shine.

    This was something that you should be proud of! Great job!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      There a couple of lines throughout this poem that i love completely, and others i don't care for too much. All in all, it's a good poem, but i think it could be better...it just seems so redundent, the sun part, leading up to the end that just didn't fit...i don't know maybe i'm being too critical, but it's just me opinion.
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
      Where the sulphurous street lights smear the sky

    I love this line....marvelous imagery ....

    poor bloke... I'm guessing you've had a cold snap there - two winter sonnets!

    now again, no iambic comments, but I will say L9 sticks a little for me, slightly less smooth than the rest.

    In sleep she grants him his yearned-for desire
    She makes the sun shine on the coldest night
    She brings life and love, his heart's on fire
    Lit by her smile and her eyes shining bright

    ah dreams of warmth and sun, of love, of fire - wouldn't it be wonderful if we could order such dreams? especially after winter's greyest days when it seems the sun will never return and we will never be properly warm again.

    you know I'm suppose to be doing a painting of a sun as a wedding present, and its kinda cold today (and grey) perhaps I will get on that, get a fire going and warm this place up....
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by glasshill | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    80931

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry