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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rainfalldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: miss__smiles
    ASL Info:    16/f/Soo, Ont
    Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 117/110/20
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1161



    Description:
       Alright, I posted this before, but as I read over it, I realized it was lacking a lot.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRainfalldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Rainfall:

    They both lay in bed
    Starring out the window
    Parellel to them
    They watch as the rain falls.
    But even though they both
    Can see the skys tears
    What they see is different:
    But They both see the past.
    As The rain pours down
    The streets fill with water
    To her, its refreshing
    Hes reminded of his flaws.
    The lightning strikes
    Filling the sky with electric lines
    Shes reminded of his guitar
    Hes reminded that he gave it up.
    The thunder booms
    To her, its like drums
    Both the sight and sound:
    To him are dull reminders.
    They night goes on
    The rain doesnt stop
    They lie together
    Holding each other close.
    The thunder booms
    He hates the noise
    Cuddling closer to her
    He feels the fear fade.
    The lightning gets worse
    She starts to shake
    She curls up into his arms
    To her, with him is safe.
    Tbey see the rain so different
    Most other things as well
    But their head over heels in love
    That they see the same.




    Submitted on 2005-11-14 11:02:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the idea of what you're trying to write is really good, just every stanza you have seems like its own short story to me. You kind of go from one setting to another in here too fast and that is what makes it seem like this is like a series of short stories. Maybe you shouldn't have separate stanzas and make it all one big stanza. It might make it easier to follow what you're writing. So give that a try if you want. What does "Parelle" mean? I've never seen that word. lol. Then again I don't have the biggest vocabulary but oh well. There were some missing punctuations that should be in here. Ummm I really don't think there's anything else to say on this one. I hope to see this one edited again and re-posted. . ttyl.

    Brenna
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      A couple of spelling/grammar errors. This is lacking a sense of flow, maybe because its so long and it doesnt have a pattern, (no rhyming or anything that gives order to the poem) which is really important for this kind of work. Overall, i'd say it need some more editing, maybe even a re-write. Its not bad, just not great.

    ~Kane~
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Kane Martyr | [ Reply to This ]


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