They both lay in bed
Starring out the window
Parellel to them
They watch as the rain falls.
But even though they both
Can see the skys tears
What they see is different:
But They both see the past.
As The rain pours down
The streets fill with water
To her, its refreshing
Hes reminded of his flaws.
The lightning strikes
Filling the sky with electric lines
Shes reminded of his guitar
Hes reminded that he gave it up.
The thunder booms
To her, its like drums
Both the sight and sound:
To him are dull reminders.
They night goes on
The rain doesnt stop
They lie together
Holding each other close.
The thunder booms
He hates the noise
Cuddling closer to her
He feels the fear fade.
The lightning gets worse
She starts to shake
She curls up into his arms
To her, with him is safe.
Tbey see the rain so different
Most other things as well
But their head over heels in love
That they see the same.
I think the idea of what you're trying to write is really good, just every stanza you have seems like its own short story to me. You kind of go from one setting to another in here too fast and that is what makes it seem like this is like a series of short stories. Maybe you shouldn't have separate stanzas and make it all one big stanza. It might make it easier to follow what you're writing. So give that a try if you want. What does "Parelle" mean? I've never seen that word. lol. Then again I don't have the biggest vocabulary but oh well. There were some missing punctuations that should be in here. Ummm I really don't think there's anything else to say on this one. I hope to see this one edited again and re-posted. . ttyl.
A couple of spelling/grammar errors. This is lacking a sense of flow, maybe because its so long and it doesnt have a pattern, (no rhyming or anything that gives order to the poem) which is really important for this kind of work. Overall, i'd say it need some more editing, maybe even a re-write. Its not bad, just not great.
Submission Name: Rainfall
. ttyl.