Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Missivesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 959
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1058



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMissivesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    mold your mouth to this bite
    feel where the skin is torn
    feel where I’ve drawn blood

    --I will devour you whole--

    this is no longer flesh
    this is plum-darkened tissue
    red-ripe

    I will pull it from you in strips
    I will carve out a motherland
    in the hollow of your hips
    building a home there

    --I will be inside of you--

    I’ve watched you move for
    thousands of trip-hammer heartbeats
    I’m going to stretch your borders
    I want to lengthen your half-life, baby
    feel it, feel it

    I’m going to burn you up
    top down, bottomed out
    follow this singe-fire trail
    watch me trace your
    crests and condyles

    I’m going to make you
    glitter, tumble, shine

    you won’t know what hit you.







    Submitted on 2005-11-14 22:59:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      o0o0o0ohhh damn. it's a good thing i'm a horny young male or i might not be able to read to much into this lol jk.

    i like the words you use and the intensity behind them. makes the pleasure almost painful or the pain almost pleasurable but either way it's wickedly good.

    it's a shame what get's responses around this place. it seems people want something easy that can't be read into farther than just the words that pixelate themselves on my screen. although i'm not to sure wether or not this can be read into i'm gonna try anyways cuz well, i want to. if i offend you i can drive to your house and let you slap me around a bit. hell even if i don't offend u.

    the violent udertones in this depect a morbid view of sexuality, not so much in a manner of it being a bad thing but almost a celebration of it, which i actually find to be refreshing. seems to be a little bit of suffering driving this write and giving it some of it's intensity but not enough that it turns into a pity party, just enough to make it real.

    there's my stabbing in the dark, if i made you bleed i'll sharpen a blade and you can take a turn on me.

    later

    skilless

    | Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your poem very much; erotica is a good way to go when writing, and you rolled with it well. I can’t think of any structural problems or the like, so I’ll just point out a few lines I was partial towards. In line16, I believe, you used “half-life” in a way I didn’t quite understand. I know the term “half-life” can have biological implications, but to “lengthen” it doesn’t quite make sense. Also, in line 14, using “trip-hammer” adjectively to describe “heartbeats” is counter-productive to your tone. When I read “trip-hammer", a picture of a jackhammer-like-machine pops into my head. Since you seem to be going for an eerie, almost sadistic, impression, I’d consider replacing “trip-hammer” with a more fitting word or phrase. Finally, your descriptive sense is a little vague throughout the poem. You did well regarding the raciness of the piece, but there is no imagery to give the reader a general account, or idea, of what is taking place, other than the obvious (maybe using more non-sexual imagery might help). These are minor things, however, and despite them your piece was decent and atypical. Good rhythm. I liked it.

    Later,
    Luke
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by thescarletabyss | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha, you vampire you! Very turgid and gothic-sexy in my opinion. Oh behaaave! Hahahah!

    My only nitpick would be your lack of capitalization of "I" - now it wouldn't worry me if your persona was meek and inferior-sounding, but you're obviously not here... you have a strong, overbearing identity in this piece so little "I's" don't do this piece justice. Psychologically and visually speaking of course.

    Lots of original phrasing in this makes this rise over other gothic-type sin-fests in my opinion... it oozes darkness and twisted freakiness hahaha. I could go on about these parts individually but let's just say I like it, ok? Yea lol.

    You're not like this in real-life are you? You'd scare the hell out of me if you were! Or perhaps it might secretly get my juices going... shock horror, did I say that? Yes, I'm a twisted noodle too hahahah!

    I also think that some well-placed formatting will give this piece extra silkiness and stand out more. It wouldn't hurt to italicize your singular line sentences too....

    But these are just my opinions.
    Hope this helps.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    81039

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry