o0o0o0ohhh damn. it's a good thing i'm a horny young male or i might not be able to read to much into this lol jk.
i like the words you use and the intensity behind them. makes the pleasure almost painful or the pain almost pleasurable but either way it's wickedly good.
it's a shame what get's responses around this place. it seems people want something easy that can't be read into farther than just the words that pixelate themselves on my screen. although i'm not to sure wether or not this can be read into i'm gonna try anyways cuz well, i want to. if i offend you i can drive to your house and let you slap me around a bit. hell even if i don't offend u.
the violent udertones in this depect a morbid view of sexuality, not so much in a manner of it being a bad thing but almost a celebration of it, which i actually find to be refreshing. seems to be a little bit of suffering driving this write and giving it some of it's intensity but not enough that it turns into a pity party, just enough to make it real.
there's my stabbing in the dark, if i made you bleed i'll sharpen a blade and you can take a turn on me.
I like your poem very much; erotica is a good way to go when writing, and you rolled with it well. I can’t think of any structural problems or the like, so I’ll just point out a few lines I was partial towards. In line16, I believe, you used “half-life” in a way I didn’t quite understand. I know the term “half-life” can have biological implications, but to “lengthen” it doesn’t quite make sense. Also, in line 14, using “trip-hammer” adjectively to describe “heartbeats” is counter-productive to your tone. When I read “trip-hammer", a picture of a jackhammer-like-machine pops into my head. Since you seem to be going for an eerie, almost sadistic, impression, I’d consider replacing “trip-hammer” with a more fitting word or phrase. Finally, your descriptive sense is a little vague throughout the poem. You did well regarding the raciness of the piece, but there is no imagery to give the reader a general account, or idea, of what is taking place, other than the obvious (maybe using more non-sexual imagery might help). These are minor things, however, and despite them your piece was decent and atypical. Good rhythm. I liked it.
Ha, you vampire you! Very turgid and gothic-sexy in my opinion. Oh behaaave! Hahahah!
My only nitpick would be your lack of capitalization of "I" - now it wouldn't worry me if your persona was meek and inferior-sounding, but you're obviously not here... you have a strong, overbearing identity in this piece so little "I's" don't do this piece justice. Psychologically and visually speaking of course.
Lots of original phrasing in this makes this rise over other gothic-type sin-fests in my opinion... it oozes darkness and twisted freakiness hahaha. I could go on about these parts individually but let's just say I like it, ok? Yea lol.
You're not like this in real-life are you? You'd scare the hell out of me if you were! Or perhaps it might secretly get my juices going... shock horror, did I say that? Yes, I'm a twisted noodle too hahahah!
I also think that some well-placed formatting will give this piece extra silkiness and stand out more. It wouldn't hurt to italicize your singular line sentences too....