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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The gamedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 268
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1193
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1626



    Description:
       I wrote this when my daughter was born.
    This is my first submission so just testing the water so to speak.
    Hope that you like it.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe gamedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Game by Vastmark ©

    Thrills down my spine
    As you entered my life.
    An eternal smile in my heart
    The song of my soul sprung into being.
    You are the sun and the moon
    That make my days complete.
    A reason to go on,
    When all around bow to defeat.

    The future holds nothing
    That any can see.
    I will do all that I can
    To help see you through.
    I will give you my love
    And my life if needs be.
    Until the light at the end,
    Until victory we see.

    For existence is a game
    To die happy, the goal.
    To play this game well
    Certain truths we must know.
    The world is not easy.
    This world is not fair.
    Grief, regrets and despair.
    Are burdens too heavy for us to bear.

    Great trials you will face.
    Attempts to subvert
    And lead you astray.
    Keep true to your heart,
    And trust in your mind.
    Your destiny is yours,
    No-one else’s to find.

    That the world is not great
    Is no reason to frown.
    For life is too rare,
    And too fast to look down.
    There are great things around you.
    Reasons to be
    So simple, so basic,
    So easy to miss.

    And I will be here,
    Dear heart of mine.
    If, like us all
    You find it too hard at times.
    But if I am taken away from your world.
    Know when I met you,
    For the first time.
    I knew, from that moment on
    That victory was mine.





    Submitted on 2005-11-15 14:39:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hello Phil,
    my reviews are not the usual ones I try to get very deep into these. you will see the term “means to me” as oppose to just “means” I will draw out any depth that I can in this write. I hope I give it honor.

    St1: I like the excitement of the opening stanza here showing the strength of love. eternal smile on the heart is a nice use of language. the 4th line is very good it means to me that a new song is a great joy that fills one with a sense of purpose. the sun and moon stresses the importance of something while also implying in a deeper sense; a light though good and bad times. in the journey of life for those who walk any path to have someone signify the sun and moon means to me that how important they are to that person because the sun and moon are of great importance to life in general. to use such imagery to define one’s magnitude of love is always great for me, someone can also use the more personal “breath” as in “you are my breath” and still achieve a level of importance in how they describe feelings for someone. now with that intense joy from line 4 comes the more plain “reason for being” I do like jumping into the figurative and plain in writes that does keep me more alert. the “all around the bow to defeat” can mean those close or a macrocosmic look at society.

    St2: here in line one the tone changes to a more bleak outlook little lost on the any can see part maybe it is just an illustration of people in general. the confidence in line 3-4 is great even with the bleakness of line 1. and most of all the love of line 5. the commitment is more solidified on line 6. one focus here I take is until the light at the end that gives me a near death or death tunnel vision there. funny in both birth and death there is a tunnel experience. the inner strength that victory awaits has me thinking along spiritual lines but is could always be something else.

    st3: the first line I think about how some view life at times. some think it is a test, others a game, perhaps a riddle wrapped in an enigma inside a question mark lodged in a mystery, and to some even a show. there are many ways to view it and most I tend to agree with to one degree or another. life is what we make it and is also how we perceive it. now here “to play the game well certain truths we must know” that makes me think of two things one is a moral type line of thought to be true to ones own morals and follow a code and another thing here I think of is the truth about one’s own desires which leads to ambitions and goals. the two often collide with each other and cause people to make tough decisions. now in lines 5-6 I do wonder if you could put reality in line five so as to read “reality is not easy” then continue with “this world is not fair” I just thought I would offer that to you as a way to eliminate the other “world” in line 7 you can strike the period at the end and add a comma change the “A” in line 8 to a lowercase “a” yes, the unfairness does tremendous damage. it is good when people have others or something to turn to in times of hardship.

    st4: here is it nice the trusting in the heart and mind. now here I do sense a more of a pep talk if you will to a new love or life. without the description I cannot tell you if I would be thinking along those lines. sometimes I like when there is no description other times I do think these writes need them.

    St5: on the first line here I wonder if you could have put seeing instead of that. I will write both for you with the next verse and let you decide which is better. “That the world is not great Is no reason to frown” ~or~ “seeing the world is not great Is no reason to frown” or perhaps you could also put “finding” all up to you of course I just give options. ok now the “too” and “so” words not much you can do there but I do like how it sounds when I read it so that is nice. the point here is well taken some of the nicest things in life are often missed and sadly disregarded like time spent with others. it does leave me sad and yet hopeful here a complex mix.

    St6: I do like the first line and really love the second line with the “dear heart of mine” now here the victory is more defined could still be a spiritual thing but more focused on the life of someone they love.


    overall I think it is a great piece is was excellent in figurative language primarily in the beginning and tapering off toward the end, still a powerful piece. reading it was pleasant throughout. take care and well done,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem is lovely, I think you should get it printed off and framed, it would look lovely on her bedroom wall and it would be a reminder to her that her daddy has loved her from the second he saw her. My favourite bit is;

    To play this game well
    Certain truths we must know.
    This world is not easy.
    This world is not fair.
    Grief, regrets and despair.
    Are burdens too heavy to bear.

    How true is that and a life's lesson well taught.

    Take care. Mel.
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really positive and very well thought out write
    I really liked the idea of this one
    A fantastic Write
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I so wish that my daughter would have had a daddy that felt this way towards her. Instead I have one that lies, and stands her up, never buys her anything, doesn't call...doesn't care...

    Excuse me while my eyes tear up...

    This was wonderful. It is good to see a father that handles his responsibility. Your daughter is blessed.

    God bless you too.

    Much love,

    Li
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a lovely poem inspired by the birth of your daughter. This is such a personal poem to her that I really dont feel the need for critiquing this. These are feelings that she stirred in you and words you have chosen to say to her and for her. This is very heartfelt and you should put this one in a frame so that you can give it to her when she gets old enough to appreciate it for the beauty that it is. Lovely. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      The song of my soul sprung into being.

    Reasons to be
    So simple, so basic,
    So easy to miss.

    These are awesome lines. The poem was seemed sweet and innocent and lovely, like a hot water bottle on a cold night.
    The poem was very coherent and the simple words and phrases you use are, in the main, an asset, although I would suggest they are a little overly familair at times.
    The only way I can think of improving this poem is to use the specific things the persona likes about this love, that would make it more personal and intense.

    Keep in touch,
    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      For life is a game
    To die old is the goal
    To play this game well
    Certain rules you must know

    these were my favorite lines.. the rest was nice.. butsomething is lacking.. im not really sure what.. maybe its the repetiotionof words like life twice in an almost rhyming way.. or the lines
    This world is not fair
    And grief is to heavy a burden to bear
    are a bit off.
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
      Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-
    that is THE sweetest thing i think i have eva read-

    Oh- good work a job well done- i cANt say nothing bad about it- i love it to peaces so much i am adding it to my favs cuz its just awesome- if that was about a real gurl- she is LUCKY!

    Awesemo work man

    (Y)

    Peace Out

    ME :) xx
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ]


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    81098

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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