Under The Weather by lmz

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Under The Weather dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	lmz
ASL Info:	37/female/USA
Elite Ratio:	8 - 3416/1524/84
Words:	162

Class/Type:	Prose/Nature
Total Views:	974
Average Vote:	3.0000
Bytes:	1150

Description:

Under The Weather dots

-------------------------------------------

Exposed to harsh frozen breath
in endless days of early December,
Nature caught a nasty cold.
Her face, once full of autumn color,
lost its vibrant sunset smile.
Plain gray masked her usual blue sky personality
as bitter chills overtook her warmth.
The song bird charm in her voice
silenced by dry irritated hoarseness.
Her weakness resulted in failed attempts
to produce a healthy cleansing rain.
She remained ill.
Old Man Winter had noticed the absence of
the color-splashed skies,
and despite his frosted demeanor,
showed compassion.
He immediately arranged for a shower of
peppermint snowflakes to ease her throat,
and summoned his warmest cotton clouds
to insulate and comfort her chills.
Realizing her need for rest,
he shortened daylight considerably
and recommended she relax.
She was moved by his sincere concern
and to show her appreciation,
promised him a beautiful Spring
filled with all the magnificent colors of life
that she could create.

Submitted on 2005-11-16 09:21:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is a good poem, no wonder why you got so many commentaries. Good expression and precision. Go to the poit and expressed a well poised loveliness.

"and to show her appreciation,
promised him a beautiful Spring
filled with all the magnificent colors of life
that she could create."

those are my favouritest lines hehehe.

-flick-
| Posted on 2007-01-02 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey. I liked how you selected your words wisely, making me feel like the person you described. Though the weather conditions you described, I would have loved... but thats not the point. The point is that you have, yet again, done a brilliant job in expressing your self

Abbas
| Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  you perceive the incarnation of earth as a real person, and due to that can characterize her. you did a pretty good job on this poem. Nothing in the poem itself to complain about. If you had done more research on it first it would have been alot better!
| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by trent | [ Reply to This ]
  Intresting to say the least. Easy to picture the thoughts going through your mind when writing this piece. I have never taken the time to view the changing of the seasons in such a light.
Around here Mother nature is in a constant battle to keep the warth alive. I don't think she actually ever takes more than a few days off at a time, lol. The temp just yesterday was in the sixties and has now plummited into the 20's.
I guess it would be more of a roller coaster ride if I were to write on the same topic.
Very enjoyable. I would like to be a bit more critical of your work but you leave me no choice in the matter. Good job.
| Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Man in Black | [ Reply to This ]
  lmz

this is a very enchanting tale of mother nature and father winter. i just wish i could have read this earlier so i wouldnt have to be last to comment. i like how you give a reason for spring being beautiful, in your case winter is not bad guy...cool. your story is very detailed and i like it. nicely done.

jo
| Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Little_Woman | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a very interesting poem here. I've nevery read anything like it! I loved everything about it and it's just so creative! I don't think I could have come up with anything like this. The way you portrayed Old Man Winter just made me smile and it kind of gave me a warm feeling. Everyone else always portrays him as some mean fellow. You did very nice on this.
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Raindrops | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow...

This makes me feel very warm. I love what you have done with the images. This is clever and tight.

I think this is a good example of what poetry should be. A fresh look at things combined with feelings that are imposed on the scene.

It is a clear, smooth and comforting read.

Very, very, very nice.

This was a true joy to read.

Chrystine
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  this is cute, it made me laugh a little... at first I was thinking someone being sick, definitely didn't expect what it was really about... I really like it though, I enjoyed the way you explained summer to fall and fall to winter, and then promised a beautiful spring... excellent work, thanks for sharing.
Vicious
| Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]
  this is about, mothernature. summer had dried out the flower and the grass. the heavy drought? like this. may, i put this as a fav? cool, I shall. thanks for your wonderful writing here for me to take and steel as my own lol j/k
peace
| Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
  yeah i should have comment a long time ago cause now there is nothing left to say

your imagery was wonderful and i could see NATURE and WINTER in a loving embrace once spring finally came around... this is just great

thank you

PEACE and LOVE, greg
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello Lorna ,
As always such beautiful deep meaning words of pure thought , a wonderful piece , makes me want to write but only wish my stuff was half as good.
just beatiful Lorna
take care
Elaine x
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow!, this was great. It was filled with so much imagery and spirit. I loved the flow and the way you made us think in terms of literal humans, and not just the elements as they are to us everyday. I loved this! Great job.

Maggie
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Loved your imagination on this one! The chills of winter, giving mother nature a nasty cold and then showing compassion and offering her a blanket of comfort,,beautiful
I like winter myself, if I'm able to stay warm when need be. My lil farm home, by the fire would always feel cozy in the winter. I miss the old home place, not sure how winter is going to feel in a trailer this year...

Smiles and laughter,
Linda
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
  awesome imagery. this is a really interesting take on the way the seasons change. I really, really like it. It seems to blend several myths and stories into one tale that is uniquely your own. I love it. Once again, great job.
J
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
  well somebod is famouse around here because it seems like everyone has lined up to comment on your work.
Being that I live in the Windy City I have never been one to enjoy winter at all and this one puts a face on such a common an exsperiance. you are a powerfell writer and I can tell you have a good spirit. You should think about publishing one day.

Janese
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by Chi-Town Rose | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna this is a beautiful piece - you certainly commune with nature! You should be proud
look howmany comments you have!

It was nice the way old man winter who is so cold and blustery warmed and showed his sensitive,
nurturing side.

Nice to read your stuff again - just reference my PM LOL

Steve
| Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna,
I really enjoyed your poem "Under The Weather".
Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the ills of our Mother Nature could be so easily corrected?
But this was a beautiful way to describe a family issue, Mother is ill, the family of children including "Old Man Winter", came to call and help to relieve Mother's distress, and Father Time came in to make sure she had enough rest. Everything stops when Mother is sick.
I liked the part "in endless days of early December", I know endless days sounds sort of odd, but then when you are getting sick, it feels like the days will never end, your wish is for the morrow to bring your health back.
It made me feel comforted, like having someone bring you chicken soup when ill. Although you may not really want it, you drink it just because someone cared enough to make it for you.
I really liked the way you used all the metaphores to describe this families stressful days of illness, what better way than nature?
God bless, great job, definitely a work of art.
Yvonne
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by dycrain | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh how can this be fixed?
Oh if its my fault you can kick my A$$
I'll send a few cute messages and give
it a try, OK
Any way it so hard to read such a wide
page
I guess it didn't work
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh how can this be fixed?
Oh if its my fault you can kick my A$$
I'll send a few cute messages and give
it a try, OK
Any way it so hard to read such a wide
page
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  Simply amazing. The way you personified the seasons was absolutley stunning. Old Man Winter had noticed the absence of
the color-splashed skies,
and despite his frosted demeanor,
showed compassion.
He immediately arranged for a shower of
peppermint snowflakes to ease her throat,
and summoned his warmest cotton clouds
to insulate and comfort her chills.
Realizing her need for rest,
he shortened daylight considerably
and recommended she relax.

This is my favorite part of the poem, because i can relate alot to seeing the pain in others and trying to help ease their pain. Now only if i would get promised a beutiful spring. This definatley to me sounds like an epic tale of love, written in a most interesting way. Excellent work. This is going on my favorites for sure.

The only thing that is a bit confusing is that old man winter is the kind one, but all the terrible things about winter in the begining would build him up to be the bad guy. Either for a twist, or simply something overlooked, it is quite petty to the meaning of the poem.
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Visionary | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this a lot Lorna, it almost reminded me of a myth from a more native culture to explain the seasons.

Great work.

Steve
| Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  i really liked this. you show such good imagery. i have always like poetry about nature, and i loved how you went about with this! goodjob
| Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by roxygirl | [ Reply to This ]
  LMZ:

You have just described CaramelCandy undergoing the lost of her voice about two weeks ago!

The way you intergrate the seasons with a mere cold is outstanding and takes great skill.

The images are vivid and stark metaphorically. Winter is as chilling as influenza.

I enjoyed dear, love Saby~*~
| Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
  LMZ:

You have just described CaramelCandy undergoing the lost of her voice about two weeks ago!

The way you intergrate the seasons with a mere cold is outstanding and takes great skill.

The images are vivid and stark metaphorically. Winter is as chilling as influenza.

I enjoyed dear, love Saby~*~
| Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
  This is nice; I like the imagery a lot. You know, I think it would be kind of cool to call this "Over the Weather" since the sky is above clouds, and could be seen as an overseer. I always like poems about the sky, and I've written enough for a book. I think I'd flip "The song bird charm in her voice/ silenced by dry irritated hoarseness" into "hoarseness silenced the bird charm of her voice" (I don't think you need to say "irritated" because irritation is the usual cause of hoarseness). I also think that "Her weakness resulted in failed attempts/to produce a healthy cleansing rain./She remained ill" is a little wordy. I don't think you need to say "She remained ill" at all because it seems understood. Maybe you could say something like "She was too weak to produce a healthy, cleansing rain" (I'd add a comma there because they are two adjectives of equal rank). "Cotton clouds" is a bit common; perhaps you could think of something else that clouds resemble. I also don't think you need the words "sincere," and since adverbs offer less meaning than any other words, I try to avoid words like "sincerely" (along with very, quite, and the like). I'm sorry I'm just a minimalist, and I believe in pruning poems like trees. This is great though. Mucho kudos, Amy
| Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Well I was positively surprised and delighted that the poem was not about what I expected from reading the title. so I felt the need to somewhat comment on this gem of a poem.

I like how you played out this dynamic relationship between the seasons - how these seemingly battling oposites can be seen to be dependent of each other, how their cycles can flow in harmony so to speak. You do this in a refreshingly vivid imagry .. and I could almost feel that dry insulated, soft snowy touch of winter. I am going back to norway on thursday, to have a white christmas and new years with my family. Over the years of living and studying in New Zealand I have grown to love the cold norwegian winter over most things .. and even if I miss most of the summer in new zealand .. to me it is well worth it ... hibernating inside an insulated house, next to a crackling fire place , while the cold is biting everything outside and the snow is hanging heavy on the trees ..

..But yeah I think the most important message in your poem here .. at least to me .. lies in the notion of how contrasts or opposites are dependent on each other.. and how .. as it is with nature .. they can live in harmonic cycles. How ..without darkness .. light would be an intolerable constant assault on your eyes .. distracting you through your eyelids as you sleep .. and vice versa .. How activity only becomes something that adds to complexity , that is 'good' useful and fulfilling .. if one is rested .. if you ahve hada period of no activity .. or little .. i'm sure you get my drift here.

The only thing that struck me that I didn't like about the poem is its form. Your language is very vivid , serving images that build on each other .. but they also introduce new elements that needs some thought .. some reflection. At least .. i think they should .. the one stanza brick of lines is often good to use when a poem is more prose like or rant like ..but for a more visual poem like this one I think the opposite form would serve it better .. stertching it out so that the spatial and visual mind can take part in the processing more. I would actually want to see this poem with two line stanzas in many cases . .. or more specificly ..how I was reading it :

3, 2 , 2 , 2 , 2 , 1 , 2 , 2 , 2 , 2 , 3 , (after the lineending in relax .. l 23 i think) either - 1, 1, 1, 2, or 3, 2 or .. 5 for the last one .. I kind of like the idea of stretching this out into a 1, 1, 1, 2 , thing for the last bit .. ..this sort of giving it 15 very small ..sometimes one line stanzas .. I just have a feeling that this format would much better express the voice and the pace of this poem .. at least how I had to read it to fully appreciate it in my own way. These are of course just suggestions and my own personal opinion ...

cheers for a wonderful poem,

Christian
| Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
  First of all what the hell has happened to your page?

From time to time I find myself at your oage reasy to comment on something but there is something that alway shoves me away.
Maybe it's the fact that I really don't know what to say.

There are a few writers on this site that are as good as this and that is the truth.

Winter time is a real drag for I always get sick during it for most of it.

~shawn
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
  Well this is just brilliant...really! How did you ever come up with this? I think it is very well written and I like it so much I'm gonna put it on my favorites list so I can easily find it.
I really enjoyed read'n this one Lorna,
Thanks for sharing...
!doc`
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
  What a beautifully crafted concept and an excellently written description of changing seasons,this was an absolute joy to read thank you
Graham
| Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by gd66uk | [ Reply to This ]
  Thats HAVE a good weekend, and pardon any more typo's(xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo"S
That was just for the satisfaction of the site monitor! But i got a kick out of it myself.
X's & O's to you too.
| Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  The old ladie you come to know out there in the west has a distant and very disturbed cousin living out east! She can cast evil spells and roll you over in a thunder clap with nor a thought of being moved by compassion. And secondly the grouchy guy we call old man winter has twice the twisted demeanor of her.
All in all, we just hide out in a warm fleece blanket beside a roaring fireplace and try to not look them in the eye, it just provokes them into blowing through and frosting our attitide about when and "if" spring will ever be left out of the dungeon where its been locked away under guard of Frosty the Snowmans evil twin brother!
You did know about Krusty the Snowman? Frosty's younger brother! Yes, he was always left out side in the frigid cold with out a hat or scarf to even take the chill away. He joined up with the weather nuts and now enjoys getting even by standing guard over Lilly Springtime and Dan De lioness.
REALLY, I'm not some nut case here, and its only my good nature that lets me share these little known tidbits.
By the way -HI! How a good weekend yourself.
Further more I did enjoy your poem, and it must have inspired my mind to sputter and spit words out like a fax machine eating alphabet soup
| Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  this is wonderul! Old Man Winter in his compassion
brings his beauty to Mother Nature.. i love the way
you've described him shortening the days so she
can rest, and then she promises him a gorgeous
spring.. very very well done and unique in its
presentation. i love it!

peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  I love stories... I really do... I like them more than poetry to be truthful and I am a deep poetry addict... but stories are the best for my taste and here you do such a great job of making them blend together that it made me smile... It is trully awesome how you made a story about people with powers to shorten days and make it rain and snow and make plants grow... I like it how you said that she got sick and was gray... that is how most people feel around this time... how the snow helped get rid of the illness... it does not snow in the part of Georgia where I live so... it is kind of really depressing during winter... but then it gets all colorful in spring... great write

Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
  This struck many chords with me ! The way you described the events into a little story and the imagery was very good. You have much talent.
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  You personifications are very well played here. They remind me of something like what you were attempting in “waiting…” the gender parley is a little more subtle here although by no means discrete. I would however take issue with “Nature” in L3. It is a conceptual problem in the order of scales. Nature encompassing winter it seems curious that winter could encompass her, as in the part consuming the hole. I know that by nature you mean the natural ecology, so how about the woods or Earth or land or vista or something else. Sorry, philosophy is my thing. I know I am the only one, but that’s ok. I like peppermint snow flakes. Cotton clouds is nice as well. I don’t like recommended, I would like to see him settling her down whether she wants to or not (the it’s for your own good little miss so don’t fuss bit)

There is also the other problem, he is the cause of the cold and yet becomes its medicine. I know you mean viral cold not chill cold but your personifications lend themselves to it.
Your take on it is fresh. It goes against a great many preconceptions of the seasons change and becomes a wonderful experiment in an extended personification scheme so much so that the poem becomes a complete metaphor for a human story.
| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a great poem. And a wonderful idea. Gosh how I hate winter. But it does have it's beautiful side away from all the shivers it brings. Anyways I like the end how you put in how spring is promised. The good thing about winter is that the sunny weather comes after. I think this one shows that you have a love for nature the change of seans the whole nine yards. But i could just imagine how old it would get w/o the change of seasons. I think you used great imagery too. Great job loved it. Can't wait to read the next one

Mikki
| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is really cute, and i think every comment before mine says it all. i myself loved the thought of peppermint snowflakes. too cute.~~tracy
| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by tmullins | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a wonderful read! This was a very interesting way of looking at winter and the relationship with it and Mother Nature! The peppermint snowflakes to ease her throat-that was adorable! The whole write really was wonderful...and a message to anyone to take care of our wonderful Mother Nature and in turn she will always take care of us! Great job!

I've also come to the realization, that I really need to get in here and make my comments early or it may take me awhile before I get the chance to even dream about making a comment. At least this wasn't as long as the last one, to get to the comment box that is! lol
Keep em coming Lorna!

Candi
| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  hello Lorna wow personification on almost every line here. alliteration in this will be bracketed by the letter in parenthesis. on line 2 (E)x2 and (D)x2 on line 3 (N)x2 and {C}x2 . line two I would take that as a hyperbole for the endless days. line 4 (F)x2 and in line 5 (S)x2. sunset smile great usage there directly tying into autumn color (red and orange) now that I’m looking at this with nature having a sickness I see symptoms to it: the loss of color, then the chills, hoarseness, and weakness. also how the sickness symptoms double in meaning one for the sickness and one to represent her effects. line 6 (P)x2 this reads nice as winter, the caretaker of nature’s ills. in 15 I see (D)x2 and also I like the language of that line, “and despite his frosted demeanor,” 17-18 these are cute, arranging peppermint snowflakes, little white soothing lozenges, nature meets the halls of winter, splendtastic! this winter seems like such a gentleman. In 21-23 I like that needed to rest part the dimming of the skies and letting her rest. in line 19 I see {C}x2 and in 21 {R}x2 the end in lovely as nature promises the gentlemanly winter for all his affection a magnificent and beautiful spring. well done Lorna,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the compassion Old Man winter shows to Mother Nature here..very clever!!

Realizing her need for rest,
he shortened daylight considerably
and recommended she relax.
She was moved by his sincere concern
and to show her appreciation,
promised him a beautiful Spring
filled with all the magnificent colors of life
that she could create.

Only one change would I recommend and that is "Plain gray" to "Dismal gray" only because seems more descriptive, perhaps?

Winter hit with a vengeance yesterday in Kansas City, windy, cold and blustery days are ahead.
Wonderful write, great crafting and choice of ideas, thanks!

Nan
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Great personification and a perfect read for me on a day when I feel under the weather!

I liked the story and the imagery was really lovely and I'm glad ole' man winter helped save the day!

Great!
Love,Peace,Joy! tif
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  This has a real sweet tone to it w/o being too fake or saccharine. Some minor wording changes I'd suggest [see below], but other than that, excellent work!

Exposed to harsh frozen breath
in endless days of early December,
Nature caught a nasty cold.
Her face, once full of autumn color,
lost HER vibrant sunset smile. – SHOULD BE ‘HER’
Plain gray masked her usual blue sky personality
as bitter chills overtook her warmth.
The song bird charm in her voice
PALED by dry irritated hoarseness. – I’D SAY ‘PALED’ OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT HERE
SHE failed to produce a healthy cleansing rain. – CONSOLIDATE TO 1 LINE
She remained ill.
Old man winter had noticed the absence of – SHOULD HE BE CAPITALIZED?
the color-splashed skies, - ADD DASH
and despite his frosted demeanor,
showed compassion.
He immediately arranged for a shower of
peppermint snowflakes to ease her throat, - GREAT LINE!
and summoned his warmest cotton clouds
to insulate and comfort her chills.
Realizing her need for rest,
he shortened HER DAY considerably – MAYBE ‘HER DAY’ INSTEAD
and recommended she relax.
She was moved by his sincere concern
and to show her appreciation,
promised him a beautiful Spring
filled with all the magnificent colors of life
that she could create. – TERRIFIC ENDING!
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna
I am so happy to see a new write from you
I was running out of your writes to comment on (LOL)
seriously thou
This is a beautiful write
It actually brought chills to me reading the last couple of lines
You expressed a true love for nature
I too have that love
Just imagine
How cold this world would be without it

I loved it!
As usual you comforted me with your words
Thank You
Ron

By the way television was written with the theme that too many parents use the television as a babysitter
You were right on

Its so sad really
As I said in another comment I made to someone else
What ever happenend to the family sitting around the dinner table talking about life
That is probably one of the biggest things we as a world have Lost
Take Care
Ron
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I must say this is a terrrrrific write here.

How interesting to show that mother nature indeed can catch a cold and Old Man Winters can be warm hearted enough to sooth her throat with snow flakes.

I don't think that I have seen mother nature, Old man Winter and seasons portrayed this way. I agree that is one of a kind. Very original and novel write.

Great write

Enjoyed it very much indeed.

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  the nature of your delivery gave breath to nature's birth on paper( its was really good, if thats kind of confusing). I can honestly say i havent read anyone really add this kind aspect to nature as if it were a living breathing person in need of a good
hot toddy an the comfort of old man winter to get her through the winter.
"Nature caught a nasty cold.
Her face, once full of autumn color,"
this imprinted a very visual mental picture of natures color being flushed to pale winter white.

"He immediately arranged for a shower of
peppermint snowflakes to ease her throat,
and summoned his warmest cotton clouds
to insulate and comfort her chills.

again very imaginative and creative, creating a vivid picture.
i get the feeling you werent trying to create a poem about an instance in natures life, but a
reoccuring condition that comes an goes with the seasons... ( the naturall cycle of nature's nature)

nicely done from beginning to end.

keep luvin life... enjoyed the write....

one...
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by elohimswork | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautiful! and it tells a story. Nature personified. Not an original thought, but you have done something unique with it. "Nature" is ill, and gets doctoring from "Old Man Winter". Now, that is originality.

You have shown the imagined causes of the seasons. You have given voice to nature. You have shown the ill effects of winter, and the anticipated joy of springtime. I love that there is that bit of hope at the end. I would have said "magnificent", no need for "most". There is nothing to compare it to.

I love this, I enjoyed reading it. I think you have shown originality, and expressed it ina unique way. Many poems have been written where nature comes to life, but you avoid the redundancy, with your co-mingling of seasons. Very creative. Again I loved this, it was fun to read. I hate winter, but you gave me a bit of understanding for it all. Thanks for posting this.

Phil
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  How do you come up with these beautiful ideas and then relate them so well in a poem? Truly amazing. I love this story.. bringing nature to life with humanistic character. The emotions of nature.. and the compassion of old man winter.

"He immediately arranged for a shower of
peppermint snowflakes to ease her throat,
and summoned his warmest cotton clouds
to insulate and comfort her chills."

Quite clever and wonderfully written. I enjoyed reading it.
~Sandra
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  Nicely done little fable about the seasonal cycle. I have to say, Old Man Winter is portrayed a little more gently than I would have expected considering most cold sufferers blame him for their ilnesses. Some would even go so far as claiming he gave nature her cold:) Beautifully worded and structured. Nicely done.
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a beautifully artistic poem relating the nature behind nature and the changes of season. Just a couple of things I would look at;

he shortened daylight considerably
and ordered her to get plenty of rest.

Maybe you could put...and ordered her to relax...instead or rest because the word is repeated and just takes the concentration away a little. Or even change the line above...and realised her need to relax...or something along those lines.

Secondly you write;

promised him the most beautiful Spring
filled with all the most magnificent colors and life
that she could create.

Again the word most is written too closely and the second 'most' could be removed to make...and filled with magnificent colours of life..hense no need for the words...that she could create.

Overall though, I think your poem is really lovely and I have enjoyed reading it. Mel.
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
  My first thoughts were of what it felt like growing up in a cold place. Since I'm from florida I have to use my imagination, but i think you describe these images very well. I find myself right now looking forward to spring! So thank you!
| Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by Amber lee | [ Reply to This ]
  You personified the seasons very well. This poem is like a reminder. Nature is not only beautiful, but alive. The harsh cold and frost of winter and the blazing heat of summer are to be respected, and yet the sparkle of freshly fallen snow reflective glitter and the blossom of flowers are to be admired. Bravo.
| Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Silver20G | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh how can this be fixed?
Oh if its my fault you can kick my A$$
I'll send a few cute messages and give
it a try, OK
Any way it so hard to read such a wide
page
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.