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Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

untitled

Author:	manicsmuse
ASL Info:	28
Elite Ratio:	3.69 - 146 /161 /55
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Poetry /Love
Total Views:	865
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	577

Description:

I have never used this format, honestly I think it is made up. But it really just seemed to work for the poem. I have had some suggestions that imply that this does not flow well, which I disagree with but am looking for you to help me with this . Also someone thought that I should swap the last two parts, ending with, Abandoning every contant I ever knew to be true..... What is your opinion overall as to how I can improve this, no one has suggested the wording does not work, just the format.....HELP!!!!

untitled

With
unfathomed
reality
I
have
been
awaken.

Sleepwalking
in
a parade of underetsimation,
I
am
clarified.

The
concrete
truth
has
sparked a longing in me,
to
breath it
to
believe it.

Abandoning
every
constant
I ever knew to be true.

To
wade
in
those
eyes
for
a
moment
or two.

Submitted on 2005-11-16 09:58:30 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

i definitely like the format, it worked for me.
i also think the last 2 stanzas should be swiped.
having said that, it's deep and it leaves a feeling of..coming up from the bottom of a pool. refreshing and not quite exhilirating.. but grateful.

very nice piece.

| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by onepieces | [ Reply to This ]

This format was incredibly original and accurate in this context. I am impressed by the way in which you have managed to create a seemingly random structure work for your words.

The ending made me laugh:
"one
or two"

I took it too literally, and it is true, you have two words at the end! (Mathematical joke)

This poem needs a title though, and maybe some more elaboration on your thoughts. But well done!

| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by HansRik | [ Reply to This ]

I believe this was a very personal poem to your Lord
At least that is how i read it
It says to me that you have been enlightenend and have found inner peace in Life
I really liked it
The way you wrote it did not bother me at all
In fact
It created more imagery because I want back to read the lines several times to find the flow
Good Write
Ron

| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

...i like it...though it's a strange way to present it, it makes you read it faster, making everything a little more...ummm...rushed but in a good way. I like the very end of it. Sorry i ahve no real criticism or anything to improve it, i like it as it is.

| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]

as always kinda deep.
format=nothing wrong.maybe a few different thoughts being tried to be wrapped into one=title and more elaboration would be in order=u already know this though.
all of this suggest longing=2 me anyways.

ur very articulate with ur words=more so than im able to achieve.
more elagant i thinks toooo

a make 4 a great write.
i already enjoyed it 2 comment

toyysruss

| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]

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